God/universe sends women to me; I freeze up; I dont ask them out; they give up; They are taken by another man.
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I come home; I feel safe; but the child in me is wondering why I didnt ask them out; they were sent by God and the child within me knows it. I the adult am scared to death; coward-ess and I loose the girl. Or its the other way around.
C PTSD/Dissociative Disorder.
THe child in me wont let go. THe adult has to take over if I am to date someone. THe child stops everything; every time. This has been going on all my life. Im o so frustrated. Just lost another one. I tell myself all the horror stories of the person. But in reality; she would have been a dedicated nice girl for me who would not have caused any problems. But I would not take a chance and find out. I swear; Im making a plan; and the next girl that God sends me. No more thinking; just run up and get her number and start dating; because the child in me comes up with every excuse from the past of what will happen to me; all the PTSD comes up... Nonsense. I have to learn about the dating game; first I have to date her before Im making dating decisions; not before; being cautious is ridiculous. People who want something in life take chances; its that simple. I tried to tell myself she wasn't safe; but the child in me and God told me she was my best friend.
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Heres the deal; I wanted her from the beginning; next time; ask her out; period; no thinking.....
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Im making decisions on people based on nothing. I must go out with them and find out what happens. That might hurt; but it hurts having women like me and then I give them no response.
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First problem; what if they say no; What if Im wrong; what if they dont want to go out with me; I just think they do..... The point is; if I think they do; then ask them out and go out with them and then find out;
I will watch them and calculate if they are going to be safe...
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Im addicted to being safe because I will get hurt. The problem is; It matters not; because Ill never ask anyone out anyway. I just wont. So; Im addicted to caution
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I see myself going out with this intellectual girl; nice; introvert; never happen; Why? because its all based on thinking. What I need to do is a healthy does of real dating; all kinds of women; that means dating... dates..... more than dates; sex; dating, all of it. girlfriends. all of it first.
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I have to shut down the caution buttons and go for it. So; that is the goal. As I write this; more caution buttons come in from another side.
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I was imagining telling this last girl how I really felt; I was looking her in the eyes and face and pulling her off to the side and saying; " I know you were my soulmate; I was in love with you. You were my best friend; I know that" " I know you would not have hurt me. I know you would not have gone out on me. I know that"..... But when I say that; something horrible rises inside of me; swells up; its a part of me that is trapped; the raped child in me; and he closes the system down. So; I must keep it open so I can live again.
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Its hard and its simple. I have to say yes to women that want to date me... And I feel the fear and anger and the humiliation from the past. but this is not the past. this is now; and I have to learn the hard way or any way I can. IF I want to go out with someone; I ask them out and keep the thinking down; dont think; nothing.
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I create a complete scenario in my head of what will happen.
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Im not suggesting all of them are safe. I dont know. but I have to work to get to safe people and then ask them out. Something .