Having girlfriends or women as friends that I want to date or be friends with and hang out with and do things with? hanging out and doing things with?; That is it; thats what Ive been so afraid of; living my life; doing the things I really enjoy doing and being myself outside with those that are like me. Im heading in that direction. Scares the hell out of me to start over; crazy unknown.
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Im scared of relationships; horribly; Am I scared of having a girlfriend; Yes; because she will see Im purposely not living my life. Im not so scared of her as girlfriend. I realized my fear of dating or insecurity around it or low self esteem is because I will be found out; discovered that I dont have anything going on; nothing; with nothing to offer. What I mean is; Im actually afraid to be friends with women I find attractive and go do things. ITs the " go do things" part that scares me to death; maybe because Im broke; From the breakdowns I had years ago; they put me on social security and Im proud of not having any money; I hate it and feel so worthless because of lack of money; I hate this part of things.
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Im scared to have women as friends because Ill be pulled back into a social life and found to be wanting or deficient and a hundred other fears. In fact; I have a phobia about anyone finding out about this; and its made me scared of women or getting started again in life. Having friends that are women is the start of a new life; I dont think I can make it or hack it.. Ill dissociate to much.
Ill have to face the things in life that Im scared of; and I mean it; Im terrified of all this.
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At least Im starting to define some problems here.
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Anyone relate?
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How does this apply to the laws of attraction; Im in the middle of a soulmate hunt; But I cant get her until I change socially. I have lesser forms of agoraphobia now; but its still powerful... The point is; Im developing; much like a teenager for the first time; Trauma shot me off to the world. I protected my self within a giant dissociated shell; now its time to come out of that shell and look around. And Im literally scared to death of the first few steps... and the grief behind them.. and; can I protect myself this time.