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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Damage

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 18, 2014 3:45 am

So I ignore the girl at the meetings... and she talked tonight. But that was not the offset..

I ignored her as usual. I got up from my chair and walked toward the door! She saw me; she was sitting against the far wall. The door is on right side, she is strait ahead of me against the wall, in the recovery rooms...

She sees me, Im heading diagonally toward her! and, she jumps, and her legs flail and her arms flail. And she moves backward... she was scared to death of me! she jumped backwards. Thats how much power I had over her? But it wasn't me! it was her connection to me! it was still present. When I looked over at her, she was glassy eyed, as if thats how she is being treated. She's mimicking me!
She purposely said the man with her was her brother from the VA, not a boyfriend... although the guy wanted to be her boyfriend; I could see it!

I almost cried. I took another stance where I was sitting and put myself against the desk to the side of me! I lay my head on my arms and looked through the window as others were speaking..

I preyed about the girl and asked God to forgive me for scaring her. I told her not to come near me again! I didn't mean it as a physical threat! I forgot about her past. It sobered me up when she jumped from me! it scared me that she was scared of me! I thought; O God, what have I done!

She hurt me, or I was hurt, It was a warning phone call, don't come near me again if your going to hurt people! stay away! But that was a few weeks ago!

I have this desire to call her! But I wont! because it will end as nothing; just boated words and empty promises.

Im interested in a women who is pretty and a bit submissive. I am strong and a bit dominant! I want a women that wants to sit with me and is a bit needy! I want a girlfriend... Someone who is attached at the hip a bit! Coupled up! A girlfriend... Im not looking for anything else. I don't want anything else! This girl will never supply it! I will prey about it!

I have not had anyone interested in me since childhood! It hit me hard! Im not sure what to do! I could call! but what good would it do! she might have a boyfriend! it might be the guy she was giving rides to when I new her! Why should I get involved. Im sick of dealing with unethical people! I will prey about it! but Ive dealt with this kind of thing before. I see pictures in my head that are not real representations of reality; just wishful thinking. She could be the opposite of what Im thinking. For a moment I thought she liked me! But I have to look at the whole of the picture.

-----------------------------
In the past; a girl I was in love with; she left me, and thought of me no more! I loved her with all my heart! she was my first love and I through it away. I was sure I was right. I was sure she would have thrown me away at some point when she found out I could not function; I would be a drifter. She would surely get rid of me! Was I sure, did it matter! I loved her, was this not enough qualification! I knew she liked me and she knew I loved her; I was 14 then 15 then 16 and things changed! But I did not stay with her; she was to rich! Theres no way she would have stayed with me! No way! but I loved her with all my heart, and I would not stay with her because I dissociated. And my mind was weak, and I was afraid she would find out who I really was and not be good enough for her! And I used this as an excuse never to see her again! I loved that girl with all my heart! and I could have tried! I have no real knowledge of what would have happened. It was all to much for me, I was an AVPD and would have hidden away! I had no business being in that town in the first place; I was living with a sociopath who abandon there family system with no remorse or conscious.

I had to get away from my present situation; I was being molested; all this when a boy! I moved into the house of this sociopath! I did not know the grave consequences of my actions. I was a teenager and did not know these people! Did not know what they were capable of, or who they really were! No one was on my side! My father was gone! as if no more!

But I did love this girl! Could my love for her sustain through trials or would she wonder away! What was I suppose to do! She became a stuck up bitch and never talked to me again! I suppose she started realizing who she really was and how much power she commanded! she was beautiful and a cheerleader and rich! but she liked me for a long time! I called her one day and she snubbed me off. Wanted nothing more to do with me! And I was destroyed! and the PTSD world came smashing in, and my mind was ruptured again, and the dissociative disorder took a massive turn! My mind was ruptured from this... My whole life has been horrible like this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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