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OMNICELL
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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

D.I.D; let me introduce myself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm

ve never talked to much about D.I.D on this site....
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I get bent out of shape at times because dissociative disorder is always or regularly presented as one side; D.I.D. However, I also have D.I.D; I was diagnosed with it in 2008. And because of this correct diagnosis; Ive been able to get help; before this; I was diagnosed with everything else; or the general stuff you get diagnosed with from the state mental health facility; BPD, Anxiety, clinic psychotic depression; PTSD, agoraphobia, AVPD, obsessive compulsive. So; Im part of the trauma list; Skizo-effective type thing; running up the scale of dissociation.
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Anyway; Ive not really talked to much about who or what I really am; its actually freeing to talk about; Ive not had the need; so; I will let loose a bit and introduce myself.
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Hi; Im Brian's protector personality; on/off; and everyone else thinks he is the real personality; meaning Brian; but its not; He is the host but not the manager of the system; the manager is a boy/girl; 4 years old; she/he; hides behind book cases; looks around in panic; drops something to hide; hides it; then runs to the next book case to hide behind; looks around; hides something under the book case; then dashes off to the next book case to hide. She/He keeps the system in tact; Ive integrated. The original personalty was destroyed when young; thrown against the walls and mentally torn into pieces to many times as an infant. He did not make it. And some may not understand how I know this; but my system knows this; and the others aware within me when very little know this; and that information is stored in my genes; in my memories; deep inside me; Please understand that those with D.I.D or reporting what they see and know. I cant explain it anymore then this.
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The original personality was destroyed when very young; and then Brian was created to replace him and kept safe in the middle core walls of self; very safe and incubated. And the manager of the system woke him up and put him out front. She/he never comes forward as a host; she/he is silent. But her actions are our actions; and this has caused some very interesting things in the past when I was not integrated. I have one turbulent child in me; tween-ager in me; not integrated; The sexual assaulted one and he is still effected by bad people when Brian confronts and tries to deal with the real world. Im afraid Brian doesn’t always know what he’s doing; he’s a very nice person; A nice little robot; much like the old TV shows of the 60’s. He’s a clean cut very nice person. But not awake to deal with the trouble of a troubled society.
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Many times; I am present; I am the soldier personality; ON/OFF. I take orders; I watch and listen. I don't feel anything. Im a machine that takes orders from the manager; I am the protector personality; Not the manager of the system. I protect the host. I am the hosts tank. The problem is; at times; Im out pretending to be Brian just to see whats going on in the world; and some times people will take advantage of me thinking its Brian; and then I don't know how to react. Im not suppose to be out here. Ive had situation where I would have fought. But that would have caused great damaged to the entire system; getting it into hot water trouble. Ive been caught exposed; People thought I was Brian and could get away with abusing him. but it was actually me that was exposed; so I had to hide as fast as possible. And all of this term-oil disturbed the sexual assaulted tween; And non of our system wants to do that because its such pain we all have to remember; when we disturb him; all hell breaks loose and it feels like knives are being shoved through our guts to the deepest no end. But some of us are not connected to that; some of us are living out our lives through our memories and don't even know we are not in the real world. I have a close teenager popular 14 year old that is still waiting for his first love; living here with us; one of us. That is all he does. He sits on the end of the street and waits for her and re enacts his role with her. He sees the outside world as a blur as if looking through a blue marble.
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The problem is with the sexual abused one. He is angry and disruptive and wants to go off like a volcano ; And if anything is violated he gets scared and goes off; he hides in the bed he was abused in; he knows the door is unlocked but he knows no one lives their in that house anymore; but he has nightmares and he remembers; and he never leaves the basement. And its dark and he is scared.
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So; here I am; trying to manage the outside world when Brian is not present; I On/OFF; am present half the time. Its half Brian and half me. Brian is a bright chap; He’s an intellectual And comes off quit eloquently when around others; but the sexually abused one snaps off and disrupts things ; always bringing up the fact that his parents hated him and despised him and wanted him dead; wanted the whole system drown. In fact my mother tried to burn me in the bath tub. Remember; Im ON?OFF; but are mother is all the same for all of us. I was not present yet when that happened; that happened to little Brian and it confused him and hurt him. She would not stop pouring in the hot water from the faucet; Brians father had to come in and stop her; she had a smile on her face the whole time; a sadistic pleasure written all over her face. Brian was not aware that he was going to be destroyed; but our system knew it. But it would have been to much for Brian to handle our whole system when he was a boy.
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We were waiting for him to crack; we knew it would happen sooner or later. Brian saw things in a dream like fashion; much fantasy as a boy; and we knew he would be destroyed at some point; For we knew what we were dealing with; that hideous monster his mother. We knew the damage she could inflict on little children. The father was a nut case....
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The biggest problem is integrating Brian with the sexually abused one; Their is a strong gap; they are on opposite sides of each other. What sits between them is lava; molt and lava; always flowing like elasticity .
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Brian is trying to remember his mother; and he is taking a courageous attempt at integrating a much more likable view of his mother into his life and this might save this system and safe the sexually avused one; for he has come aware that he must fix all problems with his mother and father if he is to function; so he is fast at it; changing his mind on how to perceive his mother and father.
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When meeting women; another child shows up; the scared He/she 4 year old; I can see her dad droopy eyes; Eyes of fear; like “ what do they want; in the outside world”. she is very small; she does not talk. She is buried deep. She can hardly put hr hand out to shake someones hands it is so shaky. IT feels like a 4 year old is shaking he hands of an adult when I meet women...
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This is done for today

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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Re: D.I.D; let me introduce myself

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:24 pm

Hello, On/Off!
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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