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OMNICELL
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critical voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am

The horrible damage of being around a continuous voice of hatred and horror when young a voice abusing me and continually telling me Im more useless then the unborn and thats where I should be unborn or never to have been born; worthless and no good. And Ive heard this from several areas. In fact; I heard this from the people I lived with when 18; to the point that; I wonder if someone from my Grandmas house didn't call them up and tell them something about me that was not true; for this hate toward me came from these people and my Grand parents and my parents; all of them; all three. And later the school system.... Who told all these people these negative things that never existed; I told my friend I was being abused when young; he didn't care; his family said I deserved it because I was a bad person; a bad kid; but I was never a bad kid ever. Im still not. I never a bad kid anywhere. ever!
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After telling my friend I was being abused; he did not take my side. why? Why was he making me out to be a bad kid. Why was his parents not helping a child that was being abused. This does not sound right or safe. In fact; non of these people sound safe. I was called a bad kid by these people ; but I was never a bad kid ever. So; my decency opened up the truth in these crooked systems and those in these system ran for cover up; making themselves out to be saints and making me out to be a bad kid and a liar that deserved to get what he gets. How can any decent human being say something like this; that this kid; “ me” deserves to be abused by adults? what? This is insane at its best and sadistic.
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When I lived with these people; I was made to feel worthless and less then; I was never talked to; no kindness; no one greeted me at the door; nothing; no one cared who I was or what happened to me. Later I understand why; no one was on my side because they were evil. I never knew because I was 2 young when I first met them.
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These are all bad people; all of them. And Im around more of them now. I read something that said; a decent person opens up in a family of sociopaths and states the truth about them; but the family system then protects the family system claiming their sane and the one speaking the truth is the trouble maker; and I couldn’t say it any better.
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Did my Grandmother call up the people I lived with and tell them bad things about me; or did my mother; I know my mother did. Why didn't the people that allowed me to live with; why didnt they take my side. why? These people knew I was mentally ill while living with them; they told their son they knew I was mental; but they didnt do anything ; in fact; they could careless. What does this say about them.
So; you have three sadistic family systems; all trying to look good on the outside. Non of these people are safe for me to be around; including the school system.
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Im o so confused concerning critical voice of cPTSD. The critical voices in my head always telling me and controlling me; and I look around and realize; no dating, no women in my life, no work, no career; nothing; no money; no future; its like Im in a cage; trapped in a cage by my abusers. and it never ends.
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Im one of those guys that said; I want to be an artist; and that was 35 years ago; the problem is; Im to one of those guys that just talks; Im actually a talented person that has been held back by CPTSD; and I didn't know what to do; Ive watched my talents die and my life drift away without stopping it; Now I know why.
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So; Im wanting to do more work concerning critical voice; flashbacks and CPTSD>
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Im not sure where to start; or; Ive got to learn to just listen to one vid at a time and slowly do the work to gain my mind back under my control and not the voices in my head; its like Im brainwashed. And Im starting to remember when the abusers didn't have control of it. Ive had many control it; mother father. bullies. school systems; lots of people. And I want it to stop; I want my mind back.
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Ive had allot of talent and would have done something with it if I could have made up my mind because I enjoy it; but my thinking stopped me; it wasn’t the real world; it was my thinking.
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ITs not like I was performing and got tired of performing and writing my own music and creating; I never got anywhere; never started; never created anything to perform.
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So; I would like this fear to stop; the fear of doing something with my life; by listening to these voices Ive gotten nowhere; so much for listening to these voices brainwash me; thats all its been; I've never made up my own mind on anything.
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I can see my mothers voice telling me that Im no good and never amounted to anything; just look at what Im interested in; and it shows and proves Im a loser. And thats what these voices do to me; and Im going to face them some how; its hard; its almost like facing them and walking into them into a life that was never good enough for the people around me; but its a life that would make me happy. I was scared and intimidated. To scared to leave the abusers.
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The problem with the critical voice; I think I can over come it; just one more day and lll figure things out; but it never happens. And its not going to because my anger is part of the brainwashing; I get angry because of the past and wont budge; All of that is brain washing; Its all keeping me from becoming what Im suppose to do with my life. The problem is; it always creeps in; always; so I have to learn to make it stop.
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Ive found online stuff to work on critical voice; and I have to apply it.
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I went mountain biking for awhile and Im back; so; Ill repeat a few things I think Ive all read.
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So; lets say I want to be an artist; the critical voice tells me not to be an artist. Why? artists are losers; anyone with no education can be a lowly artist; but not to many can be an architect; if I was an architect; Id be praised by the critical mother and father voices. Also; these voices have contempt; they came from monsters that thought they were superior to other people. So; Im trying to live up to hating myself; the real me; so I can be loved and accepted by the monsters; that way I might have a way to survive and still maybe get to do what I want to do. In the end; Im brainwashed.
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I want so badly to be accepted as a good kid from my mother and father; but my mother and father are telling me I have to be better or more then Im capable of being. And this is a form of torture and learned helplessness and no way to succeeded; it breads hatred and failure; theirs no way in my position I can become an architect; In fact; Id have to start over from the beginning to become anything; so; starting with art is actually a good starting development block. However, nothing pleases those voices; they laugh at me with contempt and sinister hatred; they want me destroyed; thats why their present.
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So; Its all very confusing. But its not; I've got a clear enough mind; I just stated it; starting over at the beginning with anything is real. And realistically speaking; Im starting over. Meaning; I have to start over; In fact;
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Im starting from zero; Ive never started. So; the voices tell me about starting again or starting at better positions for social status and acceptance; the truth is; its all lies; Ive never started on anything before; nothing. So; the lies are all lies. I never had any position to start with.
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So; no voices are necessary; nothing ever started; and no one knows anything about me or my talents or dreams; nothing.
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One of the monsters read my story one time; checking to see if I mentioned them; I did’ but erased it; so they would not know; and it was as if I was a 4 year old trying to stay safe.
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So; thats what its like; Im a 4 year old trying to stay safe; trying to start over again; in fact; Im a 4 year old thats got these old tapes and their all I know; without them; Im completely lost; their the only thing I remember that was give to me; anything else is silence.
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I know this; I haven’t done anything with my life; for all my life. So; what will it take to break the pattern; really break it and be present and go forward with what I like; not with what I was suppose to be like because I wanted to be like others and fit in with them.
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When I was young; I didnt just want to create art; I wanted to be a lawyer and deal with math and science; astronomy. Did I know; I didnt do anything.
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The point is; regardless of what the critical voices tell me; its all nonsense; its all a lie. because I cant start at anything; i go into a rage. Why do I go into a rage; I dont feel safe; I feel abandoned. And I have to really feel it.
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The critical voice tells me to start only with that thing that is acceptable in societies eyes; not something weak like art. However, if I start with math; same problem; cant start with it; critical voice tells me Im stupid and have no abstract thinking ability or high enough IQ for math; man; Im looking at this wondering what those people did to me when young. my mind has been full brainwashed out of schooling or working toward something or believing I can do it; Ive been completely brain washed that Im stupid and not smart enough to do much of anything other then try for a GED if I was lucky; and I dont feel any smarter then that because of the critical voices smashing on me all the time telling me Im stupid and cant do anything. altho Im a college graduate.
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So; Ive got a lot of fear of stepping out; the voices tell me Im no good and cant do anything and that Im worthless and no good and should be stomped to death because Im worthless.
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So; Ive got this enemy within myself trying to destroy me. And I dont know what to do about it; but I kind of do know; because Ive been studying CPTSD stuff online.
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This is going to take work. The goal is; I want to be an artist; I want no interference from the past concerning my fun interests.
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The critical voice tells me that if Im an artist I better be a good one and Im not good enough to be a good one and that I better make as much money as an architect or Im a waist and worthless. And Im seeing my Grandfather telling me this; he was pure evil; he is the one that created the psychopath I dealt with.
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So; critical voice work; that critical voice attracting me from so many different angels; I can see where its coming from; from years and years and every angle and type of verbal attack; ongoing and on going and on going; never ending. No matter what they did; they could not break me; no one did; but I was crippled permanently.. My mind was destroyed and my nervous system destroyed.
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Im starting to see evil and arrogant evil for what it is.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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