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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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creating music as activity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:00 am

My mental illness destroyed many areas of my life; 2 specific areas; the ability to get involved in activities and relationships!

I bitch about the situations I have with women! the main problem is; Im never able to interact in time to save a beginning relationship! what does this mean?! She might show signs of interest! However, to feel safe, I wait; at that moment Im finally ready to make a move; she is with another man or she is aligning with other men; mirroring them! and for me; its over! I pull back and wont go any further! Ive got to be with people I trust! and I don't trust that behavior! and I never will!

Activities; A huge problem arises with activities! I have interests! makes no difference; I can hardly perform or get involved in anything! Im trying to change! Im working it with a therapist! meaning this! Im an artist and Im taking the small amount of work I create; Im taking it into the therapists office to discuss it! Im attempting to find out whats wrong! why am I not able to get into my work! I can only make art when Im at a 12 step group with people around; I feel safe! when the meetings over, I wont work on any art!

Music; I hardly write music! I like to write music! I don't feel safe writing music! I don't feel safe! I could or would love to write music all day long! but I don't! or wont! and yet; I like doing it!

The goal, working with the therapist; find out why Im creating so very little music! what happened to me that I cant do what i want to do on a daily basis! I would create music 18 hours a day if I loved doing it! part of me loves doing it and can see an end in it! However; What is the end goal! this is a problem! I have no vision for my music! or the music! I have many problems associated with music! my mind is blank and shut down and shut off, and confused and abused and dissociative!

Some people like to work on cars; some like to dance; some like to write music! but i cant write music because the end result will not justify the means; the work!
I seem to want fortune and fame from it! I want to look good! be popular from it! I thought I liked making music! I wanted to be popular! If you take the social end of things from making music; would I like making it! I don't know! maybe it causes torture! thats how it feels! lots of PTSD is brought up!

I hope I can come up with answers!

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The same anger resides through activities and relationships!

The same inability to be a part of relationships plagues my ability in the activities! the core is tortured and torched and in rage level pain! I have no tolerance any longer for games by anyone for any reason!

To interact with things is very difficult! and I don't know why I'm not actively committed to doing what I love to do! maybe its a self hate philosophy! I don't think Im good enough or worthy of success so I cant do anything! I know something is wrong!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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