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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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creating music as activity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:00 am

My mental illness destroyed many areas of my life; 2 specific areas; the ability to get involved in activities and relationships!

I bitch about the situations I have with women! the main problem is; Im never able to interact in time to save a beginning relationship! what does this mean?! She might show signs of interest! However, to feel safe, I wait; at that moment Im finally ready to make a move; she is with another man or she is aligning with other men; mirroring them! and for me; its over! I pull back and wont go any further! Ive got to be with people I trust! and I don't trust that behavior! and I never will!

Activities; A huge problem arises with activities! I have interests! makes no difference; I can hardly perform or get involved in anything! Im trying to change! Im working it with a therapist! meaning this! Im an artist and Im taking the small amount of work I create; Im taking it into the therapists office to discuss it! Im attempting to find out whats wrong! why am I not able to get into my work! I can only make art when Im at a 12 step group with people around; I feel safe! when the meetings over, I wont work on any art!

Music; I hardly write music! I like to write music! I don't feel safe writing music! I don't feel safe! I could or would love to write music all day long! but I don't! or wont! and yet; I like doing it!

The goal, working with the therapist; find out why Im creating so very little music! what happened to me that I cant do what i want to do on a daily basis! I would create music 18 hours a day if I loved doing it! part of me loves doing it and can see an end in it! However; What is the end goal! this is a problem! I have no vision for my music! or the music! I have many problems associated with music! my mind is blank and shut down and shut off, and confused and abused and dissociative!

Some people like to work on cars; some like to dance; some like to write music! but i cant write music because the end result will not justify the means; the work!
I seem to want fortune and fame from it! I want to look good! be popular from it! I thought I liked making music! I wanted to be popular! If you take the social end of things from making music; would I like making it! I don't know! maybe it causes torture! thats how it feels! lots of PTSD is brought up!

I hope I can come up with answers!

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The same anger resides through activities and relationships!

The same inability to be a part of relationships plagues my ability in the activities! the core is tortured and torched and in rage level pain! I have no tolerance any longer for games by anyone for any reason!

To interact with things is very difficult! and I don't know why I'm not actively committed to doing what I love to do! maybe its a self hate philosophy! I don't think Im good enough or worthy of success so I cant do anything! I know something is wrong!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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