April 2024
March 2024
Could it be th mental illness?
Where am I right now; Im coming to; mentally sobering up from mentally being buried. So; what does it look like? Its the fear that I did not want to face ever. My mind is broken and dislocated; my mind is damaged and cannot take pressure; it dissociates where the damage is.
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What am I discovering about myself. My mind is ripped to pieces... Its still damaged; the damaged; the long term PTSD; it remains. nothing has changed; its still damaged.
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Ive mentioned relationships and sex and women and interactions with people and places and things and schools and work and hobbies and money and economics and agoraphobia; and talents and attempting new things and working with others and going after dreams; why was I bullied so much and I could not defend myself. Whats the one key in all of this; what is the one thing that is at the center of the problem? My mind is damaged; I have dissociate Disorder/CPTSD
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My Mind is damaged.
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My mind is damaged and could no longer protect myself from bullies or do well in class rooms or even be in a class room, or be in relationships or participate in social things or have girlfriends; could not participate in things... could not practice something to get good at it; could not stick to it. Could not function; could not work; could not collect money or create it. Could not do anything.
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In fact; if you look at all the dreams that were shattered; I could not participate in life. I could not do anything. IT appears Im disabled... my mind is disabled; non functioning. In fact; most of the complaints from people is; They thought me insane... or crazy or mental or mentally ill.
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So; looking at the above information; One would assess from this that this be true; sooner or later the state would have to put me on some kind of disabled list because I didnt function; label me crazy. I mean; a person with these problems is disabled yes? of course.
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Ive been on a disability for the above things for 20 years or more. My mind has been shattered since young. and it hadn't changed when I got older and it hadnt changed when I was put on disability or homeless and it hasn't change now.
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The horrible or horrifying fact it; the terror of the situation for one to face; Nothing has changed. My mind is shattered now as it was when young.
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Whats the difference? Well; after being in the recovery process; I have hope. I have a relationship with God. Im learning how to manifest things through God within the constraints of someone on a disability. But Im disabled; its not going away; regardless of what I do. My mind is damaged to the point that I cant handle many things outside my apartment or in my apartment. With all the work ive done; Nothing has changed; Im still the same person; same damaged to my brain and nervous system. Nothing has change no matter how hard I tried to relieve it. Nothing has changed.
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All of this work is for one thing; to come into acceptance of this situation. If I could accept myself I could become a more mature person and gain allot more out of life within the real world. If could become happy with myself where Im at. Keep working to deal with my Demons created through PTSD.... deal with them until they are processed. accept the situation. Im damaged and Im not all hear..
Im severely damaged in the mind or Brain. No one likes to accept this. I can no more work now then in the 6th grade. My mind was ripped to pieces by that age... I was destroyed. My mind was a closed shop. I could not protect my mind after that from the evil of the world. My primary purpose in life was to escape at that point... escape all things.
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The friends I had when young; they do not want to be around a broken crazy person; they moved on. Were they my real friends? probably not. They were shallow and had no idea what was wrong with me or why and didnt care; they just moved on briskly...
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Im trying to make a point. With all that ive written; with all that Ive attempted to figure out about the situation Ive been in and all the problems; It all comes down to one thing; could it be the mental illness that is causing all of these problems; its not about trying to escape or women or fake friends or people or institutions I held resentments for or lost dreams. Could it simply be my mind was destroyed when young and it remains thus. And the limiting abilities of being able to deal with realty; it remains. The problems remain. How I interact with the world remains; nothing has changed.
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An example;
Its like having a crippled arm. its still crippled; it doesn't matter what kind of fancy shirts I wear to cover it up; It doesn't matter how hard I try to pose my arm and make it look strait and workable. ITs still crippled; Is it less crippled then before; No! its exactly the same. Can I strengthen the muscles around the crippled arm; yes and maybe; yes! can I learn new techniques with this crippled arm; yes; but it still remains crippled. No matter what I do; I still have the same old crippled arm.
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if I became rich
if I was loved
if I was hero worshiped
if I became educated and smart
if I used my talents
if I became famous
if I was looked on with respect.
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No matter what happens; My arm is still crippled. If I became all those things I mentioned above; would my arm be any less crippled; NO!
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So; concerning my brain; my mind. Its still crippled from Dissociative Disorder and CPTSD/agoraphobia
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I keep reading and hearing about cures and recoveries and.... And the list goes on n on....try this new recovery method and all my problems will be gone in 2 years. Funny; Im still crippled.
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"well" " change my language; stop telling myself Im crippled; start using nicer language and Ill get better". Funny; nothing has changed; Im still disabled just like before... Am I less disabled; no! its exactly the same. My mind was damaged; its still damaged.
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I mean; this is the answer I was seeking; whether I like it or not. And maybe its not the answer I wanted to hear.
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7th grade; a, I accepting of it; I had no business being their; I was mentally ill
loving with the abusers I could not protect myself from; I had no business being their; This is part of 6th grade. I had no business being there; my mind was destroyed and damaged before this.
5th grade; they damaged my mind... It started in the 5th grade when they began to dissolve my family life and my home life and everything around me. everything I knew and they were destroying me along with it. I became dissociated from reality; completely... not home anymore; I was separated from self; no longer here... I should have been at the doctors office or at a mental institution until someone could diagnose me properly and never return to my home ever again that I came from... Gone away from those monsters.
the 4th grade; extreme neglect in schooling; I remember; something was horrifically wrong; I was a brilliant person butt nothing... I wasn't doing anything; I was completely thrown away but I did not understand... now looking back; I was being purposely snuffed out as a human being by the people I lived with; I Wass being neglected out of existence...
In the third grade; it was hard but I as still me. But their were problems; I remember... It stems from being thrown away.... I didnt last long; maybe up to the third grade.
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Heres the deal; mental illness starts in the 5th grade; Im destroyed; From their; all things stop and I would have had to go to a place like a mental institution to get help and never return to those people or that place ever again. But that didnt happen because no one cared either way about me or what happened to me or what was done to me or anymore damage done to me; no one cared... no one cared if they ever saw me again; nothing... or that I was born. nothing. Horrible monsters I should have never seen or witnessed..
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OKE; So the point is; mental illness; Wrong crowd. Most of my life later; im around the wrong crowd. I need a special group of people to work with or associated with... I dont function with normal people.
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The real me is still the broken innocent kid that faces the impossible; Im being pulled from my home with no answers on how to survive... And suddenly Im not me anymore because I cant handle that reality; I cant handle being me because I have no answers and the pressure of reality so so great I dislocate; my personality dislocates and I become someone else because I cant be me anymore.
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And so; Im attempting to see myself right now during that storm that was so great I had to become someone else; Im determined to keep my eyes open and stay present and go general and back off if I have to before I dissociate; and slowly; inch by inch; learn to be me again through the storm and keep my feeling present and I present and my eyes here n how and open slowly... And just stay present and move through the storm. Learn to face whats in the way but still be the innocent me. I can see the blocks coming up.. I mean; I can see it; Im not sure how to stay present through it. We will see...
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