CPTSD and dating
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Im a child in a mans body; but Im to scared to act like a child when around her. In fact; I hide it; but as I write about it; I should let that child out when Im around her; thats what I want to do; but Im scared; and Im scared Im going to be an angry child around her. Im going to be mean or lash out with anger; words or an attitude of abuse; but downs; when in reality; Im just protecting my fragile state. I want to love but I dont trust. How can I learn to trust.
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How can I learn to trust; I take her on a date and flirt with her and practice; but something scares the hell out of me; that process of dating; going after the date; going to get what I want instead of being taken care of by my mother; I want to be loved by my mother; I dont want no date; I just want to be loved by my mother. I want to be taken care of and developed. I want to be developed. I want someone in my life to play with so I can be developed. I want to be developed.
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Ill work with God on what I want; I want to wake up. My life was stolen from me when young; the decent level of development; it never happened; I did not get any; nor the opportunity to be around the right families and people and connections when young; now I would like that to change; Im not sure how; but Ill work with the universe for it to show up.
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Ive been hurt when young; horrible maimed and scared. Im not thrilled about it; not happy about it. Not sure what to do about it; but Im starting to remember who I am or who I was. I have to keep working at it. Keep telling the universe what I want.
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I would like to believe again I can be the person I always wanted to be without any interference from anyone. I was thrown away so many times; by people that were supposedly good people; I did nothing wrong... nothing. I was innocent; possibly thats why I got thrown away; I was at the wrong place at the wrong time; never accepted no matter where I went.
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Now I must retrace my life and look at what I want; let go of the grief; work through it and learn with help of others to face fears and take this to the universe; keep working at things; dont give up.