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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am

Im starting to get it. I hang out at meetings with criminals; basically they are all criminals. One of the new girls who is just getting off drugs likes me... She is shady and beat up looking and not very pretty' 8 month ago. Some how after watching her innocence toward me; and I fall for it; I start to fall in love with her and accept her. However, Understand this. She smiles at me and says hi but I do nothing about it because Im still too sick; dissociative disorder. And I blame her for this? I seem to think at that moment she knows what she is doing. The fact is; if I wanted to go out with her; I had my chance at that time. But I never took it. IF I wanted to go out with her or felt it was safe enough I would have. I was waiting and waiting to see what happens; it never occurred to me she would go out with someone else secretly. but then I forgot or didnt want to understand that she was a criminal. why wouldn't she be dishonest and covert.
Please remember; Im not a criminal. I used drugs from the age of 12 to 17; mostly mild drugs; I was thrown away and had no family; nothing... By the time im 17 Im beginning to try harder drugs and end up in the hospital on an overdoes. The point is; im still a middle class kid experimenting with drugs.. mild criminality; mischief. Im trying to make a point... Im not a hardened jail recipient at DOC. This is important; very important to the story.

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Later after completely loosing it; im in my 20'es; I start to drink. And at the end of my 20's I have a drinking problem; I tried to kill myself because of the pTsd; I end up in the hospital; later I get out; Im introduced to recovery and the rest is history; Im in those meetings for 25 years... Im 57 and now finally getting better.
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So; 8 months ago; a young women is in the meetings and she likes me; she should; im an excellent speaker and not a criminal; must have looked nice... I originally am from a middle class background. Im an InTp introvert.
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Before I was put on social security;
when I drank I was almost homeless and then homeless for a year; not able to have relationships or work; DID/CPTSD/AVPD. I didnt drink while homeless; I had no money; and was already done with the idea.
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So; I ended up in allot of 12 step groups where I was safe from killing myself; I didnt drink anymore. Drinking was a problem because I had no other life... I was dying inside and drinking slowly picked up but not that bad. But just enough to throw it over the edge; So; technically I have a problem.
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In meetings I quality to be their; only because I have a desire not to use anything or drink. I never told anyone I was a criminal like many of the others; or a sociopath or narcissist. Because; thats who's in these meetings; the chemical based addiction meetings; or alcohol. Im probably the only person who ever went to those type of meetings who has never cheated on anyone ever in his life. I havent. Most of the people in those places did not believe me. Remember; im dealing with full criminals here.
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Ok; on with the story. So; Im an intellectual person; lonely; not able to interact very well with anyone; that is finally changing because of the work with C PTSD and success based thinking.
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So; this young women is getting recovery; and she likes me and I pray about it; and I started liking her after a few months. But I didn't say anything or do anything. As I felt better I wanted to approach her maybe; but not yet; but she never showed up enough; and I thought; if she liked me; why wasn't she here all the time to see me. And their it is; In fact; I could stop this story right there. Because their is the inconsistency to show something is not right here... its murky; So I just wrote her off. And later interacting with her will be murky. Remember; Im not a criminal and Im in a room with criminals and Im acting like everything is fine and everything is safe; and this is trauma bonding from my parents the psychopaths. For, nothing is safe; in fact; if I asked normal people to hang out in these places; they would tell me Im crazy; if I told them to pic up the women in those places; they'd tell me to carry a gun first...
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So; later I finally start to reach out to this women and talk and say hi. I run it in my imagination; and so I see her outside; and sit with her and talk and shake hands and say we are friends; and I do the same with this other chick.
These women are from the Christian aid center... no jobs on deferred prosecution for felonies...
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remember; im not a criminal. Im in a room full of criminals. I fell in love with this girl; this criminal. I allowed myself too... it hurts saying this because their is no real person for me to fall in love with within this girl; she is probably a narcissist predator . I thought she was sent from God just for me... I mean I thought God sent her to me. I thought God sent me to her to help her and love her; she didnt even look very good; I didnt care; I loved her unconditionally because of the way she was acting with me.... she sincerely liked me. I could see it; it was like she was in love with me. Cdptsd is playing a big role in this delusion... and most of this is delusion; its delusion to walk into a meeting of sick criminal based addicts and try to fall in love with them out of loneliness and start a relationship but never talk to anyone about it...
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Well; here's the deal. Non of the above matters when dealing with a criminal. Criminals do not think like normal people; they have little of no conscious about such things. She was acting like she liked me; but it was spontaneous and expressive for the moment; nothing she cared to remember; thats my opinion. No one loved me here. maybe it was excitement; like throwing someone off a bridge is exciting to people like this.
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Later; I will ask her outside and talk with her again; but something was wrong and it was already wrong; she was already checking out others guys; and I did not like this; im worth more then this. But I had not asked her out so.... But still; I did not understand her behavior. I thought she liked Me; why was she giving attention to other men; hm; lets see; she's a criminal and lawless....
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The next time I asked her outside; she was with another women; and they both sat down; this throw me off. but I did open up to her; my point was to show her I was opening up to her... I then tested her about something; she flunked the test; I wrote her off.
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Later; im on a camping trip and I get stuck on a boat with her and other guys and girls; did not want this to happen this way; she ended up sitting next to me; I pushed her away Because she was still checking out other guys; I broke down and went inside myself and did not come out of it. I stayed away for the whole trip. I never really talked to her again; Id had enough.... she still tried to say hi to me; but I wanted nothing to do with her; she was checking out to many guys; F her... she acted like nothing mattered; no conscious; nothing.
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So; I still like her; she's still trying to get my attention a little bit; and then one day a new guy shows up; and this guy is checking her out and she is doing her girly stance while he looks at her.... well; later they will secretly start dating... she is still Checking me out a bit; but not really; and ive completely shut her out totally by this time... and that has never stopped since; the whole thing makes me sick.... And this adulteress behavior is why I never went any further with her from the start.
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So; now Im kind of bothered by both of them in the rooms; they are together; happy; could care less who I am; Im now looked at as a weirdo weakling that no one should care about. im being played and played like a fool. This behavior of theirs is narcissistic predatorily; they have no respect for me; nothing; they see no value... she sees no value; nothing; why? because im not a wolf; in her world its strong or weak; if your weak; you can be trampled; if your strong wolf like; you should be revered. And Ive seen this nonsense in these meetings for many many years; its completely satanic and in humane.
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They appear as happy as can be; Im miserable. I was used completely. and then dumped or discarded. Now im looked at as a weakling.
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And today It was just as bad. I ignored them until it was time to go and they just had to get in my way as I was leaving or jump out of my way and ignore me like I was wasnt important enough to be part of anything.... So; a split has occurred between her and me; its a fundamental split between good and evil between decency and satanic like hedonistic lawless criminal behavior. The lines of indifference have been drawn. In fact; this girl sees no value in me at all; nothing; Im like the weakling in the school who should be shunned and bullied as a goofy idiot. Its sickening to watch but quit revealing.
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Heres the final conclusion; I hate them; both of them; worthless filth scum. .. Wait a minute; They were already worthless filth scum before I met them and they were worthless filth scum when I met them. And they are both narcissistic scum but act important.... they are both bad people trying to act normal and im nothing in their eyes now; her eyes. But I am someone; im a great someone. but why would I be defending myself or feel I have to while in their realm with their people of their lawless criminal tribe. What am I doing in their tribe....
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Heres the deal; I purposely am going into a room full of these sociopathic criminals but dont seem to feel it. im working on CPTsd stuff around them; these are the type of people that caused CPTsD in other people; including this women I liked. But I cant seem to accept it and grow up.
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Im in her world; I went into her nest; not the other way around and I got put in my place? She is a criminal; im not. Im laughed at and thrown out. just like satan through out the strong man from the house; God he knew; Jesus he knew; but who is this strong man; and satan through him out of the house.
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You cant put a criminal and non criminal together in intimate settings; it will explode very quickly. This women thought I was a criminal but a criminal that could speak very well. In reality she was wrong; but she would have never known that in the beginning. later; she begin to loose respect for me when I showed signs of weakness to her. In reality I was showing humanness and real trauma problems. Im in a room with criminals. I am not one of them. But maybe ive been their so long I wanted the status as one of them. But it backfired on me this last couple of months. I could not show up like a criminal and sweep her off her feet. She mentioned that those that give her attention are the ones she's interested in. I mentioned; those that have qualities like; Submissiveness, obedience to their own inner being; Loyalty, safety, trust worthy.. These are what I look for first in someone.
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In the beginning I did not respond to this women's advances because she is a criminal. No way im going out with some hypergamous filth that monkey branches from one guy to the next with convenience loyalty,.
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The point is. Im not a criminal; she ended up with a covert narcissist and shunned me as a weakling; I was not to be taken seriously but to run from. Why did she betray me? she's an adulterer; thats why; but how could she be like this? well;' shes a criminal. she's in recovery but she is a criminal; lawless. why does it hurt so much; because im in love with her; why? because I live in some kind of false fantasy that even she knows cant be real. And she destroyed that fantasy after I started getting into it... I thought she would join me; I was wrong; in the end I was used like a pawn; I never saw any of this coming. nothing.

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Heres my point; And this is God helping me; I will get crucified by these people... no win for me ever; I am trauma bonded to my mother the psychopath; and so I seek out others like her... Its not working. The criminal women in this story does not recognize me; she thought she was getting a normal criminal to have as a boyfriend; instead she got a decent guy; she choked and bulked at the idea of being with a good man and became defensive and stood her ground with the other criminals. She looks at me as an outsider wierdo; weak and of no regard...
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I am the pathetic outsider in those meetings and should not logically feel anything for this criminal women. its not fun and its not romantic; I crossed the line. ive had the valuable part of me trampled under her feet and tore into pieces; that is what ive gotten for associating with these type of people.... This is crazy on my part and I need help to get out of all this... and im waking up and receiving help.
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No one liked me; this women did not like me; she likes criminals not nice people like me; and has no staying power for men of my worth for she cant see any worth in me; when she found out I was a nice person; she wanted nothing to do with me... Altho she professes God; it is from her limited criminal minded background; so; she sees nothing wrong with victimizing me. And I realized concerning her ramblings about God; she is still a criminal.
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The fact im getting victimized should say something about this whole venture. I am in great pain; I loved her and for absolutely no good reason. I need help to get out of their; find my sensitive real people in life and go out with them; this is the wrong pond to be fishing in... im learning again the hard way.
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Im amazed that after writing this; the child in me is still taking over and doesn't want to see anything of reality; the adult knows this is a horrible problem of mine; but the child cant see it... So; I need more adult please so I can stay alert and stay out of pain.
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Ill truly miss this women; for I truly loved her; she was a true love of mine! Was she? really? NO! she was part of a trauma bond and nothing else. And my mind must wake up; I must get the help to stop doing this.. its killing me.
This women is a complete stranger and has nothing in common with me and doesn't know anything about me.... She sees nothing wrong with her behavior regardless of who it hurts or scorches. The point is; the person I think that is hurting me doesn't exist; All that exists is what existed before; this criminal girl... she is not what I thought she was; I was 100% completely wrong and it hurts; I have to use radical acceptance and accept everything that happened to me.... She doesn't care who I am; its a game for me; she is now using me as the scape goat loser in the meetings. Should I be mad; hm. No! why? because they dont exist anyway; and I dont exist to them. it is their fantasy to destroy people like me. If I dont like all this; I should not go to meetings with criminals. Im trying to make a big point here.
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Its crazy to be in a room like this where some girl is giving me attention and I take it personally; this is simply crazy.... insane.... delusional.... in reality; it's a narcissist predator that is setting me up to take a fall; thats all this was. And when it happened; im in shock not knowing what happened; not understanding.
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Solution to this; Work on flashbacks and C ptsd; This condition is making me unable to adjust to reality. the way things really are... I need to be completely awake when dealing with people in these rooms and im not; ive been a little kid in the first grade. Because ive been asleep im starting to get wipped.
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so; im working with online coaching stuff for trauma bonding and learning about being free of Cptsd... Anyway; I have no respect from these criminal... why should i. they do not respect human things... So; ill take it to God and attempt to move on.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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