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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Coping with what has happened to me in this life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am

I can hardly believe what has happened to me in this life. Its hard to believe. Its hard to believe the horrible life Ive lived and all at the hands of psychopaths and their offspring.
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My life was ripped apart and ripped away from itself; Im lucky to be alive and lucky to be able to have any functioning; but not with out state help; without disability; impossible. I would have never ever thought this as a child; ever. and I have a hard time with it; accepting myself.
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Im mad about this; all of it. I suppose as I wake up; Ill get worse; Ill be extremely mad at my precious life being ripped away from me; stolen.
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My nervous system is ruined.. I had no protection when young; but looking back; I had nothing when young; I was thrown away and no one could care less if they ever saw me again. I was only kept around because of my father when young; but after he left; it was over for me; but I was not prepared for it nor did I understand this was going to happen to me; it just did; meaning; the psychopaths who did this did this; they have no fair warning; nothing. My father turns out to be a sociopathic rapist of young women; a liar and thief of sorts. But he masked it. But no madder; I was thrown away by the age of 9.
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I never would have thought any of this would happen. I had no idea or I would have been preparing when young.
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The problem was; I needed some place; any place to call home and some stability. but it was all fake; so I had no idea to prepare. It was all taken and no one cared after this point what happened to me. no one. I had brothers; they were complete strangers; later they would steal everything; all inheritance that I may of gotten; and are about to do this again. One is a sociopath. the other is some where in the middle of psycho trauma; but they were never friends of mine and didnt care either way.
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Im lucky to have any humanity left. but I had no idea my ability to make plans for my life would be ruined because I was ruined. But no one cared; I was dragged through a meat grinder; but no one cared. And they still don't; and don't care if they ever see me again; but then no one is really left anymore. I thought I had friends in the neighborhood I came from; not so; they were fake friends; they went with the neighborhood; they lost interested in me while I was still around; actually, they never had interest in me. I was being used. and then later; dumped. I just never knew and never knew this would happen. I was robbed of my dreams; robbed of my life. robbed of everything; it makes me mad that psychopaths have the right to be around children.
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No one cared about me; what an awful life; no relationships and no economics; nothing.
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Things are better now? I guess; different; Im old now; so things are strange; poor I guess; money wise.
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I never planned it this way; I had a chance at 14 years old; but it fell through; again; the psychopaths.
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I have a chance now; a kind of chance; but its strange. the people I associate with; everything. Strange. most are broken people in recovery; Im interested to finding more middle class people; but Im getting older and it all seems so strange.
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Im not married; never have been. Never had a real girlfriend; not one I liked and not one while I was able to feel. Nothing.

I feel Ive never been around the right women. Now; as I get older; I mean; I can get married I guess; but I was robbed of most of my married years or having a family; not that its not possible now; but still; no money.
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I was a brutally talented person; but no way could I function in the real world; all was lost. I was never able to develop. I look at other artist that are famous; Im more talents then lots of them.
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I had great plans; if no one interfered with my development; but they did. And I was severely destroyed.
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I was planning my life when Star Trek first came out in 1966. That was my time period; and that was stolen from me; I cant describe the destress of this; that was my generation. I was a kid; and that was my generation; and I would have developed along nicely into the world I wanted to be apart of; but it was stolen from me.
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Im hoping to get my life back; Im working with the universe; but the dam universe is taking to long; its agony.
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I've spent 2/3d of my life in 12 step meetings; I would have never expected this; Now; Im attempting to move beyond it; its possible. I have people working with me.
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My goals are creating an art show of some work and dating; those 2 areas; CPTSD causes most of the problems of attempting to achieve anything and dating.
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Im very scared of dating with long term PTSD problems; some times I tell myself; whats the use. Who am I going to find that is sympathetic to long term PTSD. I don't know.
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I don't want to get used by people.
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When younger; I had many women interested in me; I asked for numbers and took women coffee; but it was all a joke. no one cared about me. it was the wrong people to associate with; I needed more decent people.
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Im still interested in finding more decent people; still. this whole experience has been horrible. Ive been robbed of everything and my future. Ive been robbed of everything.
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Im now attempting to get control of my thinking. And Im thinking; I had control of it when I was very little. why would I need to get control of it now unless someone came in and ruined it; So; instead of living my life; I have to spend the remaining parts of my years trying to fix my thinking instead of making lots of money and having a nice home.
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I was never able to do anything in school; nothing; because of trauma. All of it ruined.
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All is not lost; As I mentioned before; Im working on 2 goals; and these are important; art show and dating; These 2 areas need to be conquered. They represent being part of and re establishing myself in the outside world. Nothing could be more serious then this. This could begin a positive step into the right direction. I can feel how it rips at me tho. It hurst; and grinds on me; to be exposed to the real world again; I can feel the pain coming up.
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Im working with the universe; Its hard; thats all I have to say about that.
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Im going through a transition. Hopefully a transition back into a person in the present moving forward with a life; not focused on the past.
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Its all very hard; I dont even had car; I cant afford one. and I really wonder about this; what does this mean; I mean; what happened here; Im working with the universe on all this stuff; still, its all so humiliating; Im smarter then this and worth more then this.....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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