First let me say; after much writing and writing on this blog; Something is stopping me; a gap resides between where Im at and what I want. I dont have the courage to face. Im like a little kid stuck in his chair scared to rock the boat or Ill be thrown away so I wont ever move. Freeze mode. a constant freeze mode with flashbacks that keep me in my place and its all the bad things ive been through in life that people have taken from me; meaning my life... and it happened when ever I was present or seen. So; Ive learned not to be seen. But hiding didnt help me.
Im not facing what I need to face to move forward; Im stuck or scared or frightened ... Terror. Ill have to work with God on it.
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Im like the guy that buys a hundred guitars; always claiming Im going to learn them and play in a band; but it never happens; I dont want to deal with the stress of dealing with the other band members or the pressure of having to learn things and perform on time; stuff like that. So I go home and hide in my room for the rest of my life but that doest work either; Im stuck in the middle with all these horrible rage filled thoughts. CPTSD. All of this negativity;
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But something happened working with God and it might be possible for me to do things again and have freedom; and now Im exercising the possibility; but Im damaged and in n out of negative thinking and positive possibilities. I dont yet know where to start... Im stuck in a chair terrified. And I dont know what to do. Im working with God; because the gap is right in front of me; if I take one step forward; Ill drop off a thousand foot cliff. Some type of experiences are needed that I can feel their is ground; safe ground under my feet for me to start out on; for me; that means defending my ground; and I dont know how to do that; Ive never cared about anything enough to defend anything... Ive never been strong enough; I always got pushed around never fought back...
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So; the next thing I pray for is direction from this chair; new thoughts. New ability to make movements. Im like a robot that was trained out of using his arms and legs; I did only what the bullies told me to do and played passive the whole time; much like if a bear was going to come and sit on me; I played dead; thats what I always do to get out of things and I never learned to develop or use my arms and legs to kick or punch or fight back or move forward because I had no place to go either way. I was still stuck in a life I didnt want. So; what kind of life do I want. I dont have the guts to believe its possible; I keep thinking bad things will happen if I even try; Ill be shot down by more bullies; so whats the point. Im passive... I dont know what to do about it; accept start taking it to God; thats what I did with all the other stuff... and Ill do it with this as well. ITs humiliating all of this. I mean; its facing my own coward ess to fight back so it doesn't put a very good light on me... Its hard to face or look at... or talk about; but Ill get started on it; This gap between where Im at and dissociating to some other level of grey out.
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I was controlled all my life by worthless people because they determined where I lived and how; and then I was thrown away. I had no development; schooling destroyed; I spend my time angry and hostile and then suddenly thrown out with no skills or schooling; under developed. Completely destroyed.... with nothing. I had no family; nothing; horrible all of it. I just erased myself from existence and some how held on.
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So; now; I would like to face what I have to face to feel safe again; to some how remember safety and not humiliation by giving my rights up to abusers. That infuriated me but I had no answers; nothing. and they controlled everything and that was all that was on my mind; watching my life get destroyed over over over n over over with no way out; being led to the plank to being pushed off into the ocean with the sharks. No way out and no future; I spent my life defending myself or avoiding and closing down; and then then I was thrown way unto the streets you might say...
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So; here I am now trying to get myself back to gather; my dreams and feel safe dreaming; feeling safe dreaming is the number issue I face.. I dont feel like I have any free space or safe space; nothing; its all being violated; So; I have to work with God on this issue so I can feel safe again.
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Im already triggered. Not sure.... Ill keep working with God for what I want. Im not blocked; well maybe I am; with pictures of those down my space or lane violating it; making it unsafe. I have to look at the realities of where ive been. Where I've been violated and where I need to go to feel safe to practice feeling safe in safe spaces.
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This is a horrific issue. Concept.....
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How do I face them one at a time and come fourth from the bullies; I dont know. I want to dream again and feel safe; Ill have to work with God on this.
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I don't like to admit any of this happened to me; it wasn't suppose to happen to me; I was suppose to have a safe life. And Im mad I never felt safe or capable of fighting back; I did not. I was frozen and petrified and did not know what to do... or who's these filth were doing this to me in the first place; I went into freeze mode and never came out of it... I could not go back home; I had no more home. I did not know where to go or what to do; I still dont.
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Im still traumatized just like before. Nothing has changed....
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I have to remember the places I go; they are not safe. I must protect myself and expect nothing; for I go to those places to live because I have no life.
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I want to write more; God will tell me where to go to love. Im now working in my imagination re learning how to love my first love who I abandon. Later; I claim their were reasons for it; I could point out how she acted against me later; at a later date; but I never abandon her at a later date; I abandon her when she was innocent; and that caught me off guard that I did that. I know what influenced me to be like that; it came from the damage of the psychopaths I was exposed to. But the girl did nothing wrong to me... Nothing; and I turned on her when God had originally sent me up to her in the first place to love her and God was not wrong. But I turned on God out of hatred and took over; I wanted to be God so I could take my revenge out on others but it backfired and suddenly I destroyed or let go of what I loved; that was not suppose to happen but I was worshiping 2 house holds; Gods and Satans and when I got a hold of Satans; I lost the reigns of Gods house hold.
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So; Now; I have to get back inline with God and what God intended; and the first thing God wants me to do; Go back in side within myself and fix what I originally broke. I broke it because I was angry and wanted revenge. God does not care why. God tells me that Im back inline with him; all things will be restored to their rightful place; thus I must go back into my imagination; face that girl and make it right. re right the script that I follow through with the energy of God in its rightful place; and thats the work I have to do. And its hard work; and heartfelt work. I can no longer hate what God ordered me to love.
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Hate is a ruthlessly bizarre task master; I ended up hating everything and everyone regardless if they did anything to me or not; I was going to look for something I could create against them. I wanted to feel safe. The problem was; they were never safe in the first place; But I was ordered by God to love them; sent up around them to love them; and I was to follow through with that love. And now; Im learning how to follow through with that love because God told me or made it clear; God is showing me how to follow through with that love; it must be done; I cant hate and expect to get the same results; it does not work. I wanted to criticize and blame and hate and be rescued by the same people I was judging.... But it didnt work; they just pulled away from me. Either way; I went back to God. But I have to let go of the hate associated with these people God originally sent me to; cant be both ways. I must love them period; and do nothing else... Do this until Im broken from thinking or feeling hatred can get me what I want. It cant.. Im not sure why Im hooked into hate; but I know why it happened; not sure why my intelligence cant let it go. But it wont. I like the hatred; I love the hatred; it gives me power that I did not have before but its taken everything else from me. I dont know how to love anything anymore; I dont trust the process; one reason; I dont have any love in me to start with; not like when I was young. I believed in love and loving things. I believed until I realized what I was loving were monsters. I was not safe... Anyway; I have to quit judging those things Im suppose to love; thats the problem.
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All I know; a power exists called God and that universal power ran through me to love this girl when I was young; and as I followed that power that directed me; I was extremely happy person. But then I broke away from that power; I stopped believing; and I was empty and hollow inside and I lost everything.
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Now; God commands that I follow that energy and fix what ever I did not follow when younger. We will see. Im not suppose to divert to anything else until this Is fixed.
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I have to learn to stick to one thing. Its interesting how I divert to other things when Im suppose to face one thing. I dont face one thing; I divert. Im suppose to finish one thing and I will purposely divert to something else instead of face this thing Im suppose to face. Ive notice the coward-ess; its all part of the same hatred; its not love; its this inner core self hatred to deceive myself or sabotage myself; by facing these things; its the same thing as facing bullies. Its horrible. I hate it; its like way over my head; Im petrified scared. Im scared to face the things in my head that represent the real world; thats why they are so affective. thats why the imagination is so effective.
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if I faced what I was or am suppose to face and finish; Id be much more successful; but I am learning some lessons about things right now; why am I not facing things; Im avoiding and I must look at that. But Im learning this; What God wants me to finish I finish; So; under Gods care and direction; I pray for the courage to follow through... And I will. I seem to want to divert from Gods care and direction...
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Im noticing some things Im afraid to follow through with; with God; and their it is; the hatred form the bullies is so powerful I wont work with God on it; I bi pass it. So; their is something wrong here... I must turn to God to gather greater strength to believe in something other then power and hated. I have a pure character flaw... I have many; but this one is filled with lust and greed... a lust for power and hatred over love.
I was enticed with love; and turned on.. enticed with hatred and turned on. I bought into it as a way to gain power instead of through love. So; I cant serve 2 masters.... Im under the control of the bullies and not God; and that is within myself and I dont know how to let go of allowing them control; Im scared of them or fear them or love the hatred toward them; their authority over me. Something. Im not following through with God; Ive noticed that. or noted that; the bullies and my fear of them; and fear has taken over for that.
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Its the passive aggressive hatred within me... thats whats taken over instead of facing God and doing right with God. Im being blocked... Im not following through. So; I have to look at this...