Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1013)
Archives
- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
Today
   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
More notes
   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

control

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 19, 2015 12:28 am

This is kinda funny; these blogs are getting so long! you could make them into a bridge and cross them on your bicycle! this is one long ######6 blog! good luck! I hope you read it! its all rehash of stuff Ive written before! but its important to me for my mental health!

This blog is about control; those who controlled me or tried to control me through my young years and teenage years! Mainly teenage years! 14 to 18! And the problems associated with it and the damage! And at 19 years old! I had to work; and did not want to; I could not handle anyone around me because I had been so violated; my life! And it went on for most of my earlier life! By the time I was 18; I could not function! And the PTSD problems were so bad I could not function! And the deep hatred and rage! I just wanted to go to war! I had so much hatred from being violated and watching my life being destroyed!

So; lets talk about my first love and what happened!

Everything was going well; I was 14 years old! I wanted her and wanted to protect her! I had fantasies of having her on my lap, stroking her long brown hair with a giant 3 foot hair brush! And as she was on my lap; I would read children's books to her! And then I would take her upstairs! Put her in a bikini; wash her, give her a bath! And then take a big towel and dry her hair! that was my teenage fantasy!

I would then lay her out on the sofa rub cream over her whole body and massager her! Then later when she was sitting, I would massage her feet, then turn and get a big bowl with hot water and rose peddles! While singing to her, I would dip her hands in the water, and let them sit, and I would message them in the water! Then have towels to dry her hands!

I loved her!

And I almost did these things; almost!

=========================================================================

The problem started with my mother; she was a psychopath! And simple words from her could remind me that Nothing was safe and I was in the wrong town and made a mistake ever living with her in the first place! I had already been abanden by her several years before! She did not care; she moved away! I did not know any better and tried to relive with her; find her and move in with her! I did! She had a job that required she looked good! She could not turn down underage kids or teens from living with her; meaning her own children! In those days; this would have looked very bad! She had to keep up appearances! Psychopaths do not care about anyone or anything; they're heartless monsters! Nothing more! They dont care if they ever see the children they borne'd! it means nothing to them! they are shiftless heartless ruthless animals with a smile on their face and a nice middle class Pendleton wool sweater to go with it!

She would violate my space and my personal life every chance she could! Finally I started breaking down again and again! I did not know what was wrong! And I began to revert back to being a lost little kid again!

I lost the girl up the street; my first love! I pulled away from her and everything else! PTSD problems were getting worse! I started overdosing on drugs! I would have never used drugs! I never wanted drugs as a child; its the last thing I would have ever gotten near!

I had to leave! I lost the girl! It was the pathological way this psychopath talked to me; her intent! I realized for the first time at age 15 to 16; the type of monster I was dealing with! she was talking to me as she did when I was 3 1/2 years old Im not sure what grudge she had against me; maybe I was supposed to be a girl; or I looked like my father or I was a decent person! not sure any of this could be it; It was my innocence! psychopaths do not think like other people! It could be; she was a psychopath and she was alone with me in a car, and could practice being sadistic on me; and get away with it! That is probably closer to the truth; it's not personal! These worthless scumbags are a site to be hold! No way to describe these types! You've got to be their to believe it! You get to get the hell out'da their! You must! It's not just words they spit at you! Its not just an abusive person your dealing with! these are unsafe monsters! you must leave! Its toxic and they are very dangerous!

This was the same person she was when I was born! She was a sinister Psychopath and nothing more! Sadistic in nature! At 16 years old! I was old enough to see it and categorize it or profile it! But I did not have a name for it! Her real identity was that of a murderer! Yet, it was the last thing on earth I was thinking about! I needed a place to stay!

But then I knew! And I knew I had to leave and never go back! I would not stand to be abused like this! This was to much!

If you know what Im talking about; the way A psychopath talks or abuses! It's not like other people or abusers! It's to control or inslave someone; kind of abuse! It's ######6 sicking! It's the kind of thing serial killers do or say to their victims when their victims are all tied up and about to be killed! It's the same kind of words and the same kind of sadistic actions! I simply went silent and prepared myself to get out of that town somehow! I no longer cared about the girl up the street or anything else! I had to get out of their! I was not loved by anyone in that house hold! This was a ######6 psychopath! And I needed to leave! It all was a ######6 nightmare! and I watched my poor life an dreams unravel into nothingness and real poverty based neglect and I could do nothing about it! Nor did I understand what was going on! It was all happening; the worst nightmare possible!

In high school; Their were times that girls had to come through the window and leave through the window of my bedroom; 10th grade; they could not use the front door! I was my mothers object; and no one had the right to touch her object! When girls were in my room; she would go crazy; my mother, and start freaking out; she could hear us from the other room, and realized someone was in the house with me, up n down the hall ways of her house she would rant and scream! She did this to show who's ownership I was! Meaning, I was not my owner ship, and never would this girl in my room be my owner! My mother was the prime owner and she was going to make dam clear who owned this inferior male flesh object!

If you understand what and how the psychopath sees people as objects! Its 100% sickening! They see other humans as inferior objects to be raped, murdered, killed, tortured, or thrown away! Makes no difference! The psychopath does not see anything human in a humans because the psychopaths is not human; they would not know what human is! But they are possessive of their trophies! and I was a trophy object of a previous marriage! I was a souvenir from the past! but I was owned!

Psychopaths will do everything they can to make everything look normal! when trouble struck! and I wasted no time in wanting to leave; my mother offered boarding school; at a private school! I turned her down! she did not care about my schooling or my future or anything else! This was a psychopath trying to cover her tracks! This would be the third time I would leave her! this happened several times before! This psychopath and her weakling husband were not hurting for money! it was nothing to figure out a way of getting rid of me and making it all look legit! But it did not work! And psychopaths dont care either way! meaning, they feel nothing either way!

so; when someone defends that she bought me a bike or clothed me or tried to send me to private school; it all sounds good on paper! and that is what the sociopath or psychopaths is hoping! but it never works! because the psychopaths usually is hiding and trying to cover up a human crime against their victim! rape or physical abuse or abandonment or turture possibly! ritualistic rape! who knows!

I had to leave that area! I knew something horrible was wrong in all corners of life! I was not wanted their! Something was wrong!

Because I was so young! 16! And in so much pain from the past! I had no idea what was being thrown on me! And no one cared! I had no future! I just wanted my family and love and my way of life back! It was all stolen from me and I had no place to go!

All I could to is go back with my Grandmother and Grandfather; a petaphile! Who was the creator of my mother! This is another story; of more problems and PTSD issues and rape!

Between all of this and being molested at an earlier age! I could not function in relationships! I was not thinking about women or relationships! I just wanted to go home!

I finally tried to live with my best friend! This did not work! I found, His family did not want me! they were strangers and never really wanted me! I lived their, but they saw me with suspicion and contempt! And treated me like a worthless second class citizen! I was shocked! Im not shocked now; Now, I understand the evil of people!

So, I buried the feelings for the first girl I loved and got out of their!
--------------------------------------------

At later dates, I came back again to live with my mother! I was more mentally ill and did not understand and had no choice! No one wanted me or cared who I was! I would go from place to place to place! No one ever ask me what was wrong or why I was the way I was! I was a complete stranger! And no one cared if they ever saw me ever again! No one! I was being shuffled around like a foster kid! It had been going on like this since I was 10 years old! I was very ill; and my mind was gone and I was very confused!

At different times I went back to live with these people; On n off up into age 27! I could not function, nor could I work! My nervous system was destroyed and PTSD was inflaming everything over the top! I had gone through a horrible depression over the loss of the girl and drug overdoses and school losses! I was 16! This lasted 1 year; the depression! I could have killed myself a thousand times; no one cared! No one got me any help! It was bad clinical depression! 1 stait year!
====================================================================================
Work;


First; Im not really explaining every detail in my blogs of what actually happens on a day to day basis! Im writing in these blogs; what I need to write to get the truth out as I see it and feel it and saw it from the past!

I was violated; my space, my time and my life in every way and everyday! The only time I was not violated; my rights! When from ages 4 to 8 or 9! My father was around and would not put up with it from my mother! But. I was his object; so he was not going to allow her to violate his property! he was no different then her! same profile but from a different angle! He was a narcissistic sociopath; a real one! dangerous!

But my mother still tried to sneak in and be sadistic! One time she burned me in the tub! At other times she would get me alone and tell me what an inferior no good person I was! That no women would ever love me and that I could forget about ever having a model or a beautiful women; That was for other people! Not people like me! I was 6-7-8 years old! And she talked in this nature when I was 3 1/2! When she could get me alone!

And at age 16; nothing had changed! As soon as she could get me alone; this type of sadistic talk would start! There is no way to describe it! It's not coming from an insecure abusive lost mother! It's coming from a sadistic psychopath that hurts children with no conscious! This is nothing but a predator and a monster! She is like all psychopaths in history! Same anti human nature! And many things happened, and many things she did!@ But in my case, abandonment was the worst!

AnywaY! Back to the story! Work!

They; her new 5th husband; tried to take over my identity and tell me or force me or stomp on my identity and make me into their own image; even when it came to work! I was already ruined!

I was forced to comply ! I did not know what was wrong with me! I tried to work! It was horrible and ridiculous! I was an intelligent creative person! And the work they chose for me was for Un creative Un intelligent dummies! And this was done on purpose and with contempt! But it was not personal!

I was ignored; my identity and abilities and potential! everything about living with these people was abuse!

My step father was a ######6 creepo weakling; another she had suckered to get into his family! I was not the only one complaining about my mother! The daughter of my step father began to complain about her! she saw very quickly that my mother was a worthless bitch! or witch! My step sister was older; 27 or 28 at the time! she could not believe what she was seeing! my mother was stealing her father from her! My step sister was loosing her father! her father was turning on her! this never happened before! and my step sister was not prepared for this strange event! Yet, over n over my mother hated my new step sister!

My step sister was a very nice normal loving sensitive kind generous normal person! this is why their was problems! My mother looked at her husband as a object; her object for her own use! My mother saw my step sister as a threat to the use of that object! so, my mother with sinister intent set out to destroy the relationship between my step father and his daughter! it is truly horrible! she did this up into his death! my step sister never got to see him again as a father when my mother showed up on the seen!

My step sister had never dealt with anyone like this before; a psychopath! and could not understand at first; what was going on! My mother would manipulate everyone around her to her side! my step sister was being blamed for being insensitive and little girl like concerning the matter! Yet, my step sister stood her ground and made it clear that their was something wrong with my mother! that she was evil and a witch! And she was right! more right then she would ever know!

Its no ######6 game and no joke what these sycophants do to decent people and their families! they are extremely manipulative and masters of it; how decent people get victimized; like my step sister! I never had a problem with my step sister! I only knew her for a short while! I was oud'a their within a few years! I could not go back; I did not know where I was going to go or what I was going to do! I did not understand that I did not have a family anymore! my father was gone, and had been since I was 9 and now my mother is not a mother! and I realized at age 16; I had never had a mother!

What do I mean when I say " not personal"! This is exactly what the weakling or the sociopath or psychopath does! They do it with everyone they can get away with; they take advantage of people! However, at the time I did not know what they were! I wont understand till later after Im diagnosed! And learn more bout family systems!

My ability to work was destroyed! And violated; they " got in" In to my personal space and my soul and nervous system and my mind! And they destroyed it! I was forced out of my own identity; over, over n over, sadistically! ruined; like cleaning a carpet with blood, over n over n over until it is saturated with blood! and you cant get the blood out! Ingrained with blood! black blood, dark blood! until the fur rug is ruined! saturated with blood; totally over ran with blood! its ruined!

When your exposed to monsters of this nature coming in at every direction; over n over n over for years! and they are never what they seem and never tell the truth, but smile while they lie; Some 20 or 30 or 40 thousand interactions of this! You become advancedly sick; mental! My soul and nervous system and mind were poisoned by these people and their abuse!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Im now finally starting to wake up and deal with the high school years! Its just starting; very demoralizing and painful! But it's a good sign!

I had amnesia! I remembered nothing when they put me on social security! Full amnesia! Everything including my childhood! It was all blocked! Everything! My childhood, teen years, adelensense blank! 20s, 30s! everything! I mean everything! I knew my name; I kew where I had been born! I knew the name of my mother and my father! I could not remember interactions! I remember the name of my home town! I knew what time it was; what year! I could remember interactions of an event! I remembered my first loves name; I knew I had loved her! but was not allowed much more and could feel nothing!

Things are now starting to open up for me a bit! Its hard work! It's certainly worth it if I can get my freedom back!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, some how my mother was involved! involved; and when a psychopath is allowed to be invoked or involved in your life, something or someone is going to end up destroyed or raped or killed very quickly! they are not human! they naturally attack anything that is weak! they look to " take over" "control"! They will destroy if they are sadistic; its as if its the only way they know how to communicate with the world by torturing someone! sick ###$! you got to get out of their! never go back if you can! They take you hostage, break you, smash your identity and replace it with theirs! and turn you into a robot of them! You are enslaved! owned! And watch; they will do the same things with animals or pets! and watch! they will attempt the same thing with grandkids!
============================================================


Im now starting to deal with all the PTSD of that time period! Im now remembering!

ITs taken 2o years of work! that should tell you how serious this stuff is! being destroyed around a psychopath! its no game! no games involved!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 2423 times

Who is online

Registered users: Allcoulors, Amythyst, ArbreMonde, awibujulam, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], birdsong87, Changingbee, covertunsure, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, HeartMomtoDID, Johnny-Jack, LearningToo, LeroysRit, reinasof, ScottExeno, Stevendrupe, TeddyBear the helper, Williamreili, worrier42