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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2019
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Control

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 28, 2012 9:50 pm

She liked me, she tried to talk to me, to get near me, then she judged that I was a lunatic Jack ass, and wrote me off. I was not a lunatic Jack ass... I was suffering from long term PTSD problems, AVPD, and Dissociative Disorder.

What do I do?

I don't trust her, she did the one thing I cant ignore. She judged me without caring. It was malice. Why would she show malice if she liked me. I don't think she likes me. I think she wants something for herself. Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who betrays you and doesn't care. I tried to be around her again. I walked up to her and gave her my phone number. It was the best I could do. I never heard from her... I tried to connect with her after disconnecting and it didn't work.

Im afraid the foundation is broken.. I cant trust her. She showed great interest in me.. Yet, there was this feeling of control. I don't want to attract control freaks. That is not love. I just wanted a friend. Why is this so hard. This person, wants someone , she wants to be loved and cared for. She wants to be swept off her feet. But not by me. She wants someone bigger and stronger, a neanderthal. Ive been through all of this before. Im of no interest unless I have something tangible in my hands. They want a modern relationship with all the trimmings, They don't want a friendship..

I would not bother to go back to this person for any reason. Something is wrong! What I need to do is forget and move on.. And trust God. Im mad about all of this. I liked her...

Yet, as I say I liked her, Im not feeling she is a big monster like Im making her out to be. Could all of this be the PTSD. IVe been told this before. That its the PTSD problems talking.

Should I take a chance and explain it to her. possibly give her a letter. I could, I don't feel like it. I don't care anymore. Im tired of this, all of it.. It seems like Im chasing emptiness. I don't understand.

or anyone one else that judges first without investigation. I understand that men and women do not think a like. However, don't investigators think a like.
-------------

Not really wanting her: to lazy to go after her. The PTSD is eating my brain alive all the time. Im married to it.

I don't think Im her type. Im not strong enough mentally; she wants a neanderthal... I just want her to want me. Some how, I don't think she does, Its all hard to deal with .. I don't trust her. I will never trust her again.. And she does not care. I care, and I would try to gain her trust back if I knew how. However, she has kids and I don't think Im what she is looking for, and I don't think Im her type. I think she realized this..

I just want her to want me; she will, with conditions. When I realized she had conditions, it was over. I felt like a fool that had no business going after someone with a less educated mind then myself. I felt like I had stepped into someone else's Christmas Basket and stolen the golden eggnog.. Eggnog that I was not proportioned.

I thought I could step in and have a jolly affair. I guess not. Im dealing with a human being with children and a difficult life. Still, I feel like I would try, but something is wrong. Something isn't safe. She doesn't see me as one person, but does not see the rest of me. The real me. and does not care. She may be more pathological then I can handle. I may have seen her as a nice sweet little girl. She is turning out to be more like a cell block boss at the prison..

Something has turned my stomach.. Something is telling me she is no good... What am I protecting!@, Is she really no good. I don't know. she came to the conclusion that I am no good and not worth her time. She never investigated to see what is the truth. I believe this last sentence explains everything. I do not want to be around pathological monsters that cannot see my worth. I could go up to her to talk with her. However, I have this feeling I will get my head cut off. Who ever I made her out to be is incorrect. she is not interested in helping me think other wise, so I am moving on. or Im bitching and grieving the loss until it is out of my mind and soul, that I be able to see things in a clearer perspective.

I think the therapist would tell me that Im sabotaging again.



When Im in my room, but traumatized by events, several things happen:

1. I cant get close to anything or interact with anything: music creation, lifting weights, cleaning things up.. I cant move because of stress.. I don't trust anything. My mind is to weak to participate, it stays in suspended animation.

2. When I go outside, the stress of being in wide open unprotected places creates shutdown through over exposure. I become PTSD zombie. My mind is weakn'd by such small things or traumas. I can hardly function when hit with any trauma. When heading outside, my mind starts to de compensate. My mind is 50% weaker.. Soon I have to return home. This is the reality of things. And all people that I was friends with have suddenly disappeared when Im in trouble. They are nowhere to be seen.

3. Hopefully I will continue to wash things and keep things cleaned up. Im trying to keep things organized.


4. I grew up around human animals. Betrayers of children and there own kind. This takes a heavy toll on me daily. It destroys my existence. Its hard to see what these people were tying to do to me. They were a bunch of white trash, nothing more.. Its so hard to see things the way they were. I wanted it to be different. it was not. Monsters are monsters... monsters rape, kill and destroy.

I am getting better. One of the most horrendous human experiences is the tragedy! the defilement of your existence by those that were suppose to love you and take care of you. Its beyond human understanding.. To come back from such places is truly a brutal under-to... Its truly a sad sick state of affairs. Its not about the few people involved. The whole society is involved. You feel that the whole society betrayed you... The whole of society never wanted you... SO now, after all this personal work to get better, you get better to re enter a place you never wanted to go back to.. A place you should have F@cking blown up... I will never trust this place. To me, everyone in these societies are murderers. To many kids and people in general are stripped of humanity and destroyed. Destroyed like those in a nazi prison camp. The camp can be a school system or there homes, or the general society ignoring them to the point of self mutilation.

Is it alright that child die that I live as I wish.. In America; Its OK.... !

Its not Ok for me..
--------------------------------

Im attempting to let go of the women at the meetings. My interest in her is fading slowly. something is wrong. Ive noticed this other girl next to me. I kind of like her. I might ask her to coffee.

I dont understand the other girl. she stares me,. tries to get my attention from across the room. flings her hair at me... Ive already approached her, already danced with her, slow danced with her. I walked up to her and gave her my number and told her to call me. Ive known her for 7 months. I don't get it. And Im getting F@cking tired of the games.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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