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Consumer 6
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- July 2021
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The hard work of things.
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continues movements in a direction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:22 am

My mother abandon me when I was a young boy, later part of 9 years old! She was going to get stuck with my fathers children ( I never trusted her, never!), nor was she going to be stuck or humiliated by taking care of what she had most contempt for " the male human race". My mother disposed and dropped this family and closed up shop as fast as she could ( she abandon the family)! She set of on a new opportunity to find an engineer and marry him; a ready made family with 2 kids!, I was not invited... I was no more! My family, place of origin, hope, friends, history, town, everything was uprooted and disgraced and erased. This person cared little if I succeeded, or if I was raped or killed! She wanted never to see me again or my brothers! I meant nothing to her! This person jumped ship as fast as possible. She was no better then a murderer. And I shutter to think that my poor brothers and I were exposed to such worthless vermin or filth as this! I did not escape the abandonment, I was destroyed! My small innocent mind could not take what was to unfold on to it " pure evil"!

Unfortunately my mother owned everything, she was the only one working; I had no idea. The house and neighborhood was created by her! She was complying to my fathers wishes. She was attempting to keep up appearances, it had nothing to do with me or a family system. My mother was a worshiper of a greater family system. She was owned by her origins and those with that last name! And being someone in that system is what she craved. That was a family names spanning 150 years. Her family background meant nothing to me. My father protected me from her for several years!

My father worked at times, He had worked the land, he never got underfoot in society! He was a good father for a few years, However, when I got older he left and never came back! He told my mother she could take her children and go to hell! He was no better then she! neither were human!

No mother, no women's guidance:
Every child needs a women's guidance or they will not exist. a women's guidance helps a man or boy down his journey! it is a women that helps complete the journey, she is the guide ( she does not complete him, she is a guide that pulls him out of self sets him on a journey of discovery). It is natural! it is the natural way of the jungle, of a thing, it is the way God created it, that children stay safe and adults continue to grow; working with each other.

When you have been severally or permanently abandon, you stop growing! You grow into yourself. You might survive, yet you do not grow! You do not grow normally! You move inward through defense and stay stuck in self; In giant fortified walls of confusion sorrow and fear!

When a person has worked through or worked out abandonment issues, or worked them enough: Getting to the truth of a thing!, Then, one is ready to consider moving forward again.

When Ive been hurt by my mother, I will not seek out other mothers! or anyone like her! I will abstain from such people ( I do not want to get hurt)! I cannot afford to get hurt! I will dissociate at the idea. For safety, I concentrate on the confused loss of my mother, I am not interested in the present! my mind is consumed by the pain of loss from the past!

When Iv established a relationship with God, that he take over my life in the place of useless family systems, and I work the recovery process, I begin to feel, deal, and heal. At this point a strange thing happens... :

I naturally begin to move back into relationships. For me, this occurred four years ago!

I was completely dissociative with massive PTSD long term problems and agoraphobia and everything else that goes with a ruptured sunken weakened mind! After 4 years of specific therapy for these specific problems, I begin to wake a bit! I had a hardcore relationship with God from my 12 step group experiences! 12 years of the stuff!

I began to study dating material; I bought hundreds of dollars worth of dating info stuff and DVDs on approach theory, and comedy and other stuff associated with communication and interactions and dating.

I changed: I learned how to dress, get into shape and cut that hair like a navy pilot, yet, give my style to no one but me! and this style showed in my clothing and my grooming and the new way I held myself together when in public. Those were great shoes I strode and my finger nails were cut short and shiny!

I Talked the game, and I attracted many people. However, at one point I realized, I could go no further! I did not understand what to do after attraction. The next step was approach, interaction and the coffee shop; always make them laugh, never laugh at your own jokes. Status must be established.

I could go not further then the dissociative disorder would allow; I could not get close to people! I could create attraction from afar, I could do nothing up close!

When I let go of mother figure, when Ive worked through this mother concept enough! when I see it for what it is and with Gods help I can move forward ( getting over the deep hurt and confusion), it is women that I turn to that guide me under there wings to the next destination, I am consumed and adorned and directed into there world to learn from them, and they from me! It is they that pull me out of the center of nowhere! They pull me out of self! and are the moving path I am pulled down. They do not rescue me! that is Gods business and my choice to work on; it is between me and God and the therapist and the 12 step group.

After the child in me has seen enough with Gods help to understand that the mother figure is over rated, and Im ready to move out of center past, it is women that will do the biding to pull me into the next worlds and landscapes, for this is there job and there expertise. Women are the experts of relationships, men are good at mechanics...

When a man is truly eager and ready to change, the first sign will be his new interest in women as friends.

So it begins: Ive started to go with women on coffee dates! Ive been on 4 so far!
I am at this point, and have been on several coffee dates with my new women friends. I hang with them at Walmart, or walk with them walking the dog down the college path next to the river.

In the mornings I will banter back n fourth with the women and understand that Im being pulled again down a frosty journey!

The girls I spend time talking with are not my mother or romantic girlfriends, and they will not connect at that level with me, in fact they can be rude, ruthless, mean, stuck-up , angry, snobbish, controlling, misleading, In other words; they are friends!, not romantic friends, these women have significant others in there lives.. Therefore, it is not an easy grind to be around them, I do not get my man needs met ( romantic relation stuff).. I must learn and take what I can! I have the opportunity to learn from these women and I will! The greatest opportunity is my freedom to turn to them for help! a more human expression need! I need community and connection and although they have not suggested this directly, they are helping with this personal community need.

I believe I am a child, and I need the whole of the village to help me grow up! women are children and they need the community to help them grow up. We are children together and we need each other to grow up; hand in hand!

Many times the women are not thinking about me; only themselves! It gets lonely being around them at moments! Its hard work, I am to learn how to concentrate on someone other then myself! If I want this situation to work, I must work at it and not be lazy! lazy does not work in relationships of this nature! I have to be present and trust God for a better future! I will keep working on " Now"!


Small town antics:

Although its working; most people in this town are not people I would invite home, and they would get rid of my torrid rant personality! I am not appreciated; this has saved my life.

I will not be appreciated at the level I need to in this small town!~ but thats OK. What is not killing me is making me stronger and healthier, and I have God. However, at some point I move forward away from these people to a better situation of more refined decent people! I wait upon Gods graces for such things.

I must wake up!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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