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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Contempt for that women list!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 23, 2017 5:47 pm

Im working through the processes of coming out dissociative disorder! its very confusing! it feels like Im a victem no matter what direction i go! and one feels contempt and entitled to everything because Ive had a hard time of it!

The reality is; as a victem Ive categorized the whole planet into a bunch of judged packs! like different wolf packs!

If I felt good about myself; I would not have to do this; but Ive been horrible scared and emotionally and psychologically destroyed! This would be OK if I was going to spend the remainder of my life in a wolf pack or on a mountain bike or siting in front of a computer screen!

What happens when I want a girlfriend! O man! everything changes!

Here I am the worlds greatest hater of everything! and Im very close to heaven and not close to anything on the earth! and a thought comes to mind; a desire! Id like to have a girlfriend!

Suddenly the want of a girlfriend means everything inside of me must change! I have to become a new man to have a girlfriend! I cant be the old me; its impossible! what do I do?

In a state of panic! Ive been working on all the changes I can think of, so I dont hate anymore or have contempt for the human race and experience! one has to put in his 10,000 hours of work for this! its horrible hard!

Im working on it!

---------

The list;

The list is a women demand list of a man; what she is looking for in a society man! Ive always felt I could not match up! I have nothing! I dont want to be laughed at! why bother thinking about it! Im now thinking about it because I want a girlfriend! so, now I have to really think about whats on that list!

Im learning that I cant think and fantasize that I'm God to all women! Why? its a fantasy! in the real world, many women dont see me as God! and I have to get used to this! I have to stop caring what women thinking of me!

I come from a alcoholic family system? Im am adult child of alcoholic troubled family! of course its much worse then this! However, for political reasons on this site; I will leave it at that! You get the point! broken children and stuff like that!

I was destroyed economically with dissociative disorder! I was homeless! Could not work or have relatisohops of any kind! Im on SSi! This saved my life! Now that Im interested in relationships; Im horribly scared that my status has no value to anyone! Great, who cares what they think! ill be fine; until I want one of " them", the human race! I want a girlfriend! that changes everything!

It hurts so bad, that you want to impress the girl;! you want to be worth something to her; you want her to see it; your real worth! I dont want to be judged occurring to my economic situation! this causes contempt!


I feel like that list women have of the perfect man; I cant compete with other men! impossible! I dont have all that stuff; the house, the cars, the trucks! nothing! I just want to crawl under a rock!

I cant look a women in the face; I fear it! I dont feel good enough! but I know Im good enough! its that list they carry! I have a contempt for that thing! I cant compete! so why bother!

So, I have to get over the idea that I am this God without a truck! Im just a artist person who is creative without a truck and I will find the right people who are impressed with a person like me! but I have to stop acting like a cowboy or construction worker or football jock or what ever else I think women want in a man!

Ive been convinced no one will ever see me; the real me; the inside me; so why go through all this pain of being mismatched with the wrong people that have no sensitivity for me! sucks, all of it!

Why I dont feel better women will like me! I dont have the money or the social connections! why would a guy on SSi want to have social connections! Id be ripped to pieces through in accurate judgment! Id be crucified!

However, I want a girlfriend, so, I have to keep working at this and aligning with God source energy Jesus Holy spirit!

I have to keep working through the past! I have massive PTSD problems when up close around people and women! The more intimate I get with strangers that I dont know or dont trust, the harder all this is! I freeze up!

Ice breaker; Im learning about breaking the ice with people! meaning, the understanding that it will take a few months to get used to someone! this sucks! I have allot of work to learn in this area! How I get to know someone; when to hold'm and when to throw'm; meaning, stay in a friendship or bag out of it! This is a whole blog in itself concerning when to stay in a relationship and when to leave! This really scares me to talk about it; really hits a nerve!

So, Im learning how to let go of what others expectations might be and walk away from them; horrible hard for this personality dependent me!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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