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OMNICELL
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Contempt; Might trigger!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Apr 01, 2014 8:01 am

Writing these blogs has saved my life; here and other places. I can safely let things out! If I were to talk to others, I would be verbally ran over! In writing, I am safe!

I am weak, I need my defenses up, no protection!

I have to trust God!

Contempt;

Lets say a women likes me! I run from her, I don't like her, she's no different then the women who hurt me when I was young, those f#cking bitches.... OKe, who are the Bitches from my past that Im speaking of; My Mother; and she is no real mother, my Grandmother, aunts! Best friends mom and sisters... And others....

And its not me! in this case, these are people that could or should not have been trusted... They were bad bad ######6 ruthless people! and I was not protected from them.

Am I suggesting all women are bad! I will rephrase this; I do not see things in contents of a single group. I would say all people bad! I would say yes, that is the overwhelming feeling I get! None of the human race can be trusted; they have proven themselves worthless beyond the animal kingdom. Some animals systems raped each other for production purposes and other environmental issues.! but humans do it with regard for contempt to others for personal satisfaction and gain! Theirs no real need for it or reason! They create victims for the use of fun! They could find better ways to create thrills; instead they eat their own kind! F#cking monsters!

Ive been ran over by all people! Those people that have ran me over are to stay away! They are mean people! They are worse then mean! worse then animals!

My sadness and fear with women is; I always end up with these crude people that run people over! what good does it do me! What good does it do me to have relationships with these type of people!

I went to church; a new church, I met 3 women, or I was confronted by them; I do not want to see these women ever again, or talk to them again! They are not safe, and they have contempt and think Im going to be their victim!~ Does this make their eyes bad because my I is good!

Im a nice guy, and Im sensitive person. Im starting to see, that I am around all the wrong people! And Im allowing the wrong people around me! as I wake up Im not sure where to find the people of integrity Im looking for! Im not sure who or what they are! and I have little boundaries to stand up for myself!

Im horrified and confused by the women Iv been around! Most are killers and nothing more! They want to destroy the earth as much as the men do! they are all f#cking worthless; both groups! I say blow them both to hell! I say this in evenness to the evil of it! I do not think the nice people on earth are not nice! Im saying they are probably hiding! certainly that is what Im doing! Their are nice people in the world!

Im a sensitive decent human being, I sit on the outside, the outskirts and watch this world self destruct. I watch the other half stay in denial about the other halts self destruction.

Back to women; Nothing I can do! The problem with women, or men, is the condition of the world. I am not one who wants to buy into it.

I have been ran over by as many women as men! both groups evil in my opinion! The animal kingdom is a much safer bet to hide in!

If I would rather be in the forest, then around people; what does this mean! I need love as much as anyone, but I am a peaceful bloke. Im starting to remember the kind hearted person I am, and the kind of person I really am..

Ive been a brutal animal from the mental conditions I was forced through! but the real me is a sensitive peaceful person!

Because I don't want to be alone, I end up with the worlds creeps! I mean this in a negative. These creeps are the middle class shallow people or beauty queens in the world with no depth! Its these groups that drive me to hang myself!

I don't fit in anywhere!

Ive had lots of girls like me in my life! most give up and go away! they settle for less because their hearts where never really in it! They end up with someone they can control! Someone that will allow them to be free and not say a word!

Women are very desirable creatures; they do drive me crazy!

Im not sure how to get back to my place in the world. Im not sure how a sensitive person like myself can survive, or who to survive with!

Im to sensitive for the general world! it runs me over every time! I mean nothing to the world; it doesn't even stop to look! could careless!

If I was not on SSi I would kill myself! This life means nothing to me! and most people have spit in my face in process of it! This includes all the good people that are looked up to by the community. This includes all the friends of friends of friends of everyone! All friends of the world have helped to kill me!

Ive had to stay alive! it doesn't mean much! its all poverty! Ive never had a footing in anything or anyone that cared! nor did anyone care if they ever saw me again.


In college, I attracted freaks! do gooders that use people!

No one ever cared who I was or my thoughts or desires; nothing! I had all kinds of love and interest in the world, it was raped out of me! And no one cared! And they still try!

Im still around those with no conscious who destroy the innocent! I see them on a daily basis!

I do not know who to trust! I know who not to trust!

Anonymity is important!

Women;

Im basicly scared of women; I don't want to be ran over or attacked. Its all about them! and getting back at someone! or being superior! or Im supposed to be MR man, and save everything and play out some fantasy they have! It makes me sick because I do not have the recourses for such things..

What scares me is interaction and constant time around each other; I have been the equivalent of a life in a jail cell! Ive been alone! How can I change!

I have nothing, and no one cares! No one cared that I was born, and no one cares if I die!

My mother was no mother, she was a major cruel sadistic criminal against children! and no one cared!

And no one cares about me, only what they can get from me! And at some point I disappear into the woodwork and never come back!

-----------------------------------

I think the goal is to stay away from troubled people, or people that cause trouble.

--------
In my defenses, I was able to stay alive because I felt nothing and was so mentally ill I was not present. Im slowly heading back to being in a weak weak state of reality! and I don't know if I can make it or if I should.

So far, all I want to do is die! have God take me home. My real feelings are to die! I have nothing real on this planet!

All it has been is being bombarded by deceivers.

Most arrogant people don't even see that Im poor! they are so full of themselves and evil! They are so self consumed they assume everyone is a carbon copy of themselves.

I have been over ran to many times for any ability to perform a task. Ive been ran into the ground!

Im not sure of Gods purpose for me! why! What is the point of all this torture and pain! I mean this from a real stand point not just emotional.

---------------------------------------------------------
The child in me is finished; destroyed at a young age! Finally, the only thing left to call out to God to go home. All of me was done here, and then I disappeared and never came back! My mind buried that personality and created another that I stay alive..

That suicide child is now coming out again! Because the environment is safe enough and Ive done the necessary recovery work, this death child is surfacing where he left of! exactly where he left of, and this can be dangerous. This child's life was over and 100% ready to die on the spot! That 100% surfaces in me when Im alone with God and the child in me cries out! with this child open, I am seriously in possibility of suicide! The problem is, I could care less about suicide!

At church this child came out; came out after some dumb bitch came up to me trying to act superior!; trying to use me as a pawn so she could feel she has superior status.. you would think these idiots could keep this out of your time at church!

I walked over to the far side of the church! I started to cry out to God to let me go home now! I did want anymore of these stupid b#tch dumb-f#cks around me, any of them! They are what is causes my blocks from God, they try to stand in the way; they catch you off guard! and make themselves feel and look big for that moment at my expense. I don't need it! I wish I could be stronger and ignore these people! I can't help them, I can't help myself!

ITs selfish. I think of all the people that wanted me to love them; the girls in the meetings, I could not. I could not because I did not come here for that. I came here to confront the death part of myself! That has to be dealt with or looked at or confronted or understood! That part of me is me! it is the innocent me that was downtrodden and violated! Violated by the people that were suppose to love and take care of me! they through me into permanent bondage! and I died there! And I called out to God to come home, and then I disappeared! Disappeared until recently! Now when I surface I want to die! go home from the terror that lay before me!

I have no problem with death! Ive had nothing! and what I had was taken from me! I never understood God! did not understand what he wanted from me!

How can I live with myself! I was stripped of all things as a boy! I had a life I was entitled to as a child! and it was taken! and never returned. I was crucified at that point into submission! My death was an excitement for others. I meant nothing to no one!

All of my dreams and fantasies and life were all in my head! All value based on how I saw things from an innocent perspective. It was all perspective, then I was thrown away permanently!

So it is between me and God! God is the living breathing water, only through him do I have another day on planet earth! for all other hopes have vanished. There were no hopes in people! that was a f#cking retarded joke; What a horrifying mistake!

I believe I can see the future a bit; its in spiritual respects! I see the 2 sides of self merging and excepting! I know one side will never accept this world and will want to leave! Im not sure what will happen!

I would like to get better that I fend of the predators in the world that look to put me down to make themselves look important! They have helped me get further into my recovery! The pain moves me forward. But Im not in such need of them anymore! They hit on me at the wrong times! it has all been necessary. As this little town Im in has been necessary! Ive been very lucky in my recovery process.
The child in me does not understand!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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