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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1029
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (869)
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- May 2019
i have alot more to talk about
   Sat May 18, 2019 11:49 pm
I cant remember sex
   Sat May 18, 2019 4:32 am
Somewhere in time
   Fri May 17, 2019 6:01 am
Goals of being myself again
   Thu May 16, 2019 8:36 pm
In limbo land
   Wed May 15, 2019 3:32 am
Getting fat and other things
   Mon May 13, 2019 6:14 am
Childhood horror starting to surface
   Sat May 11, 2019 12:00 am
blessings; this is stating for me; to feel blessed
   Thu May 09, 2019 7:41 pm
resentments and negative thinking
   Thu May 09, 2019 5:43 pm
Im working on stories
   Wed May 08, 2019 8:32 pm
Dissociative people write blogs
   Tue May 07, 2019 6:18 pm
Coming back; no friends
   Mon May 06, 2019 3:50 am

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Connections

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 21, 2012 6:55 pm

Im taking more chances in the dissociative state. The chances are helping to sooth the path ways of avoidance that I stay present. Understanding that Im in a new environment not the PTSD environment means anything I dream is possible.

Im horrified of what has happened to me, a nightmare life as if in a prison camp..

I am one of the truly lucky ones. really, I am healing, I am remembering the sane times as a child when stability occurred through a father that cared; at-least for a while he cared. Im starting to heal up.
reconnection with people is very slow and meek and weak: Im doing it. Im working through the dissociation as it is occurring; the PTSD

The people of my younger life did not like me, did not like what I stood for. I had no idea I was hated at such deep levels by so many people. Arrogant ignorant people tried to kill me in a hundred ways. They were not playing games. the intent was death with no looking back. I grew up with a bunch of sociopaths and I never new it; yet the youngest child in me always new.. I had always been in a battle field of some type. I was hyper alert from the beginning..

I am disabled from my disorders.. I am 50 years old.. Im getting better... healing, feeling, slowly healing again.. Im coming back to who I originally am... The thoughts I have on this subject are horrible as I remember the people I trusted at younger years. Unbelievably, these people were never my friends. I thought they were my friends from a very early age. they never liked me or cared about me or cared if they saw me again ( including my family). This broke my heart and my life and my mind, and I never understood until a few years ago they were sociopaths... There are many type of pathological people living next door, and I was living among many of the higher Elite types and there families.. I never knew this until it was to late. I honestly and truly with no reservations thought I had good decent friends. I thought I had a best friend that would be like a brother till the day I died. It was not so, he wasn't a friend of mine, I never knew this. My first love was a dilution in my mind. I was laughed at, ridiculed and abandon by these people: they are sociopaths! I was treated brutally,. more importantly, I was thrown away permanently as they felt they were superior human beings to me in all facets.. Whats interesting is; they are and never were or ever will be in my league as a human being.. they are so low on the totem poll of humanity, Im not sure how I could have hooked up with them in the first place.. These people are privileged Elite, they don't have to ask question about other people to find the truth. The truth means nothing to these people. I was never liked or understood.. I was around a brood of vipers and I was getting attacked and bitten over and over and over again...

I have two lives: the first is the recovery life, the second is the past that needs to heal..

I am a very fortunate human being. My mind was fully destroyed; on paper... Nut-house approved. Mental health has those big stacks of volumes with my name on it. I was not suppose to get better. I was suppose to stay alive and be an invalid... It does not look like that is going to happen. I am repairing myself..

I will experience more sadness of what happened to me. ( I was tortured until my mind gave out and left me) I can never go back to the people or places I came from... Never again, ever...

I am finally able to approach people and give phone numbers or ask for dates: I've been working on this four 3 years, and its finally happening.. Connection!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/clinical Depression
lighter forms of agoraphobia
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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