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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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connection!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 14, 2017 2:10 am

The goal is connection! Im closer! The more my mind mellows out and comes back from the terror within it and what happened to it; the fear!, the more I can see possibilities for a future!
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The PTSD within my mind is PTSD! I have goals; they need to be stronger! I have a lot of convincing thoughts that help me believe many things; unfortunately they are all bad! all of them doomsday ! In fact, I don't believe them! I'm under the understanding that Im switching out and trading off one set of limiting beliefs with several others! Im hit with a limiting belief, then answer the problem of it with another limiting belief and another set of beliefs come up or pop up that explain my situation in a negative fashion! No positive view! very little!
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I know that if I want a great life, I've got to think a great life first! it all starts in my mind; all of it! that means, no mixed sessions; messages! It has to be positive and aligned!
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What do I want? thats a great question; this is the basis; thats what the journeys are for; that is the ultimate goal; the ultimate question! I work with source energy ; what do I want!
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The goal is to keep processing! I was thrown away when young and I have to process it out and get out the evil or bad thoughts about it! the anger and worse; the evil twisted thoughts that it creates.
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I was taken advantage of; now I would like my life back! It can happen! Direction is extremely important; what do I want; where do I want to be! Where am I suppose to be! I got derailed when young and Im trying to find those train tracks I got derailed from and get back on them! In my mind I want to know where Im suppose to be and what Im suppose to do in the outside world!
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I have to keep working with source energy! Also, keep doing work on getting happy or relaxed or less anxious! or to feel more secure!
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Relationship problems;
I have to work through the past; I have brothers and others from the past that are still alive; the key is to work through the thoughts I have of them! They were strangers and not my friends; they are enemies not friends! I have to forget about them and the family they came from; all of it and go my own way! My thoughts have to separate from them! I don't know them! they are strangers that will take advantage of everyone; not just me!
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So, I have allot of work cut out for me! IT hurts right now! if I keep working it, things will get better!
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I have to get the PTSD out of my system! This means, when I wake up and see myself at my friends house when young; all of that has to stop, my interest in it! my focus has to be on something better and not believing the lies of PTSD! Or the lies of friendships that never were! I wanted them to be; but reality dictates no one wanted me around from the beginning!
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Allot of people from the past tried to make me out to be a bad person! Many of them I loved or cared about! The psychopaths tried to; but that didn't exactly work! I knew what they were; after awhile! .
Friends or girlfriends that I liked or potential girlfriends! They tried to make me out to be weaklings or worthless or not worth knowing! now; looking back; I was dealing with filth or scum! that was the problem! and the problem was; how did I ever get around people that had no worth for me! no value! I thought they were people being mean to me; choosing not to like me! Now I realize, I never them correctly from the beginning!
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As for best friends! Well; lately as Ive gotten better Ive seen an interest situation; I dissociatively hallucinate! Im not sure if its combination of PTSD and dissociative disorder or where my mind is broken! the situation is bad enough that it goes from delusional thinking to small forms of hallucinations! For example; If I were listening to you in a group; maybe Im not close up to you; Im a bit away! and I watch you, and I listen to you; I might think your smiling at me and friendly and when its my turn to speak, you seem interested in me and respectful of me! and I see a smile on your face or a positive look or interest! Later, when my condition gets better, I walk up to you shake your hand, before I know whats happening, I look up and see your concerned and have fear in your eyes with a sober look of innocence! Your looking at me as if you've never met me! What does that mean; you've never met me or thought about me! You were not friends or friendly, you had no interest in me! It was my mind; I created a scenario in my mind that we were friends! This was based on what I thought of you and what you thought of me; I could see what you thought of me by your behavior! However, something is wrong in my judgments of you; I thought you were smiling at me and friendly, yet, when I walked up to you, you were the opposite and it appears you've always been this way; distant from me and not friendly but fairly cautious and fear based; not freaked out but cautious! Your definitely not my friend and probably never cared what I said, you were never interested! Heres the point; In my mind I saw you smiling at me or being friendly with body gestures! This cant be right! It simply could not have occurred; its from my mind or my thinking!
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I have evidence to show that many people Ive known end up not being my friends or best friend or best girl or first love or girlfriend! Many of these people do not know me or turn out to be close to me! they turn on me viciously and are on the opposite side of me! They were never my friends! With enough time I realize something was wrong; and I have no idea what went wrong! I thought they were my friends based on their behavior! However, much evidence suggests that Im not only delusional concerning my judgments of others but Im creating actual things that are not their; not in front of me; such as a smile or a positive attitude from others! Im not fully hallucinating, instead I have a smaller add on hallucinate component! This causes great damage and fear within myself of mistrust of the outside world!
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In almost all cases with people and places and things of the past; I was wrong! I thought I came from good parents; only to find out they were psychopaths! I thought my brothers were nice people; they were strangers who would take advantage of me as fast as possible! I thought I had a best friend! he turns out not to a friend; nothing! This means; the many hours I spent around this person were delusional. Im claiming this person was nice just to get something from me! and friendly, just to get something from me! In the end, he turns out to be the opposite of a nice friend or mean friend; he's no friend! he's a stranger who acts as if we are not friends! In addition to this; several times through the years that I saw him; he was distant or not present when I was around him; he was acting like a stranger in some elements! Finally, the last time I saw him; I did not recognize his personalty, its as if he had completely changed; I was shocked! he was not the person I remembered! But Ive never seen anyone change like this! from a friendly best friend to a pathological personalty of no color or human interest! He ends up treating me like a stranger and a zoo animal; as if Im worthless and nothing! Im being treated so badly or of such a low value, Im wondering how I could have ever met this person! His family treats me with the same contempt.
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Is it possible Im hallucinating; is it possible that my relationship with this person does not exist; not the type of relationship I think I have with him. Is it possible that in reality, this person likes me much less then I believe he does! Is it possible that my mind is creating things out of thin air! is it possible that this person is someone I hung around but did not read correctly or his family! is it possible they were negative hate family and I never saw it; altho I was around them for years but had delusional problems to a point of being the equivalent of hallucinations! Yes! Im afraid the component might exist! simply because a pattern occurs over n over n over with everyone or many people I meet! Im believing Im being treated badly or turned on my nice people that turned on me! later, the people are not turning out to be nice people! Meaning, I could not see that they were bad people to start with! I had made these people out to be nice people; in the end, they are the opposite! I had been hanging out with bad people that finally turned on me! Then with more discovery! I relieved, they had always been bad around me or possibly mean to me or indifferent and I never picked it up! and its this last component of not picking up the cues that these were people treating me badly; I consider hallucinatory! autistic! Something could be wrong here! So, lets take this one step further! are they bad people! I dont know! worse then " bad or good"; they are strangers! Im literally walking up or around strangers, initiating contact and attempting to create a relationship they know nothing about! From their standpoint; Im simply a strange person hanging out around them; maybe they are bored or feel sorry for me! I dont know! maybe they dont care! In some cases, these are not very good people! they are arrogant shallow people; but I make them out to be people that really really see me an dig me!
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Most of my early life is about waking up within my mind to a world outside me that is hostile that I could never see! It finally comes smashing down on me! when I turn and run for help from those I love; I find they never loved me! many of them acted like strangers that could care less about me and some of them were treating me like I was filth; as if they never knew me or liked me or we were never friends! I claim they turned on me! one theory is; I was around bad people and didn't have to know; I was naive. Another theory suggests Im hallucinating my relationships! Im actually creating positive attributes coming from these people when no such things exist! Secondly, they end up treating me the opposite of who I am! They see no value in me! However, their is a third problem! They are treating with a specific new type of behavior! Im treated with the indifference of a stranger they have never met! This is not contrived! They are treating me with a kind of fear or healthy fear that Im a stranger they should have some apprehension for that is ok to deal with at a distance but not close up! Im certainly no one they want a relationship with! Im not safe! and Im not wanted! They have a strange sobering attitude toward me; a fear based sobering attitude; almost as if I've been hanging around them without permission! Im this strange person showing up around them they don't like but Im harmless so they will allowed it for now! I have no meaning to them at all and never did!

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The most important aspect of dysfunction I've found around people is their lack of knowing anything about me or my worth! Ive been hurt so abruptly and deeply that I truly wonder who it is I allowed to hurt me! Was this an appropriate connection! What went wrong; what keeps going wrong!
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Metaphorical example; Imagine Im at a stop lite, the light turns green, I move forward through the light and get hit by on moving traffic coming from the right! I dont get it! the light was green, I moved out! I did everything right and I get hit by a car! what happened! later, Im out of the hospital; and it happened again! Im on my bike, go through a green light, and Im hit by a car! what did I do wrong! and after getting out of the hospital this time; it happens again! this is the third time! In court, they finally prove that Im actually riding my bike through a red light but I dont see it! Im hallucinating a green light when its actually red! The rest of the scenery is fine; The street, the houses, the road; Im not hallucinating these! but the light Im hallucinating! I Don't just want it to be a green light or feel that its a green light Im actually taking a red light and making it into a green light in my head! Im seeing whats in my head before I see reality! Im blanking out reality! Something strange is happening? This is not strange for a dissociative! I mean, Ive passed out hundreds of times from D.I.D. , but this is something I dont hear to much about in dissociative disorder!
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I used to get mad at people, horribly torn apart because they turned on me when I was a nice person! after inquiring about the situation; The real question was; these were bad people, why didnt I see it! How did I ever associate with these bad people in the first place! They must have been treating me badly yes?, the whole time! how could I have been around them so many years or so many moments and made them into nice people! Possibly they were wearing masks concerning who they really are; really?; masks?; possibly! However, I never saw the real person; I never saw their evil! They hid it well, until I realized, maybe they never concealed it! maybe they were evil the whole time and I could not see it when it was presented in front to me! I was dissociating the whole time! I know something has been wrong!
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My biggest compliant and horror as a child; the destruction and false reality of relationships that went bad; it seems no one wanted me or to be friends with me! and no one ever was friends with me! It seemed that the people around me looked at me as a stranger they never wanted to get close to me; and yet, these same people I made out to be my best friends! something is wrong here! Their is a hallucinatory component!
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I have evidence of a strong fantasy bond! A bond that kept me from seeing reality to keep me alive! Is it possible this type of dissociated bond continues! I have dissociative disorder! Is it possible that Im literally creating friendliness in others when its not present or creating strangers into brothers when no such information warrants such a move; meaning, they never presented themselves as anything other then themselves and Im turning these strangers into deeper relationships when their is no invitation to do so! Im literally delusionally creating connections or hallucinating relational connections that do not exist! Im creating physical hallucinations of invitations to others lives that dont exist!
Im hallucinating nice people when no nice people exist! Im taking strangers I know nothing about and hallucinating that they are nice people of a close friendly nature. I am hallucinating that Im with people that have taken a strong liking to me and want to be my friend based on mutual respect; and admiration; they admire me! see me my worth and want to be near me! However, years later, months later, days later, it all falls through; they are not nice people, and they are not friendly and they did not have my best interest at heart, in reality, they were never thinking about me and had no interest in me nor where they ever thinking about me! I had delusional-created-relationship offering.
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Im hallucinating that others are offering friendship or admire me or respect me! In the end when the relationship crashes; Im not finding someone who likes me or hates me; Im finding someone who is rattled and disturbed by my presence because they are complete strangers that wonder why Im associating with them or bothering them! They seem to be strangers to me as well; they are not turning out to be friendly as I originally thought! They are turning out to be strangers in behavior! They are turning out acquaintances not friends!
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The problem with relationships; Im a nice person; Im ending up around people that have no interest in who Im and do not seem to have ever cared who I am! Its as if Ive been hallucinating friendships with strangers! I've created friendships; Ive hallucinated the creation process; as if 2 of use agreed upon a friendships; when in reality, no such thing occurred! And no such party was interested in such things! I hallucinated they were as much interested in friendship as I was!

Ive been around people that were never friends! I was physically around them, but beyond that; Im not so sure I know what was actually happening! I physically saw them as being nice to me! Yet, their is evidence they were probably never nice to me. They were probably never interested in me! However, evidence would suggest I have a hallucinatory problem! Its possible its was all in my head over n over n over! I was around them; this part was correct! but they did not have a positive attitude about me or being around me! They saw me as a stranger hanging around them! They couldn't wait for me to leave! I dont know! They didnt need me; I needed them very badly!
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The outside world is a state of delusion for me! upside down! nothing makes any sense!
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No one wanted me around from the beginning! Does this suggest Im worthless! it doesn't help! but its not true! Im not worthless because no one wanted me around; it means Im failing in the outsides world to connect or believe I can connect to the right people that see me for what I am or who I am! Im not stupid; Im not suggesting the filth that would not accept me are not filth! they are worthless scumbags! or they are complete strangers! either way; the problem is; Im not able to connect properly or find my tribe of people! Im not sure who is out their that is right for me! Im finding myself around people that look good but in reality, I mean nothing to them; they never invited me to anything or to be apart of anything! Im finding them; turning out around strangers that have no value for me! no value at all! nothing! and see nothing in me! They see me with no worth! They see nothing in me! How did I get around them! how did I associate with them! why would I associate with such people! Im finding they are strangers; and this makes things much scarier and worse!
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Why would I associate with people that have no value for me; see nothing in me! so no value! why would "I' be around this! Im not blaming them as much anymore! Im really concerned that I would find such people and attempt a relationship with them; why! what for! loneliness! Whats broken in me so badly that I would pick the wrong people to associate with at this leveL! It could be hallucination dissociative problems!
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When I think of delusion, I think of a person who wakes up on the streets but cant deal with it! they continue to act like their the president of a bank; they cant deal with how far down into poverty their life has gone! When they wake up; the reality is so brutal, They have no answers for connection and begin to delusionate into another reality because they cannot deal with the one they live in!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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