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Consumer 6
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- August 2020
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Connecting to things in the real world

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am

My goal is to connect to knew things in the real world.
Ive lived in a dissociative protective shell or state or cocoon; of course its like being in a coffin; so life will be short for many; who can take the torture of such things; However, Im working myself out of it; or have been for a while now.
My goal is to imagine myself connecting to the right people and places and things in the outer world; what do I want.
of course; what do I want; I want to go back home where I had friends and a life and start over from their; in a protected environment; The problem; by taking an inventory of my past; it is revealed; I had no safe life or any friends; they were fair weather friends associated with the neighborhood I lived in; if I know longer live in that neighborhood; they are no longer my friends; and come to find out; their never were; but I didn't need to know that at the time; it didn't matter; I was 2 young to care; now I know better. but I could not have known better then.
I was never in protected environments; and I know that now; and realize that now; building dreams in the beginning of my life was a mistake; I needed to get out of the environment I was in but didn't know it; I was 2 young to know.
Now I know better; so Im on a path to learn how to reconnect to the world around me. In many cases of the past; this was impossible; I had been pulled out of all safety areas into bad areas and was in a state of shock with nowhere to go and no connections; nothing; lost and alone. No one cared what happened to me; no one cared about my life; it was all a came played by sociopaths and sick people who liked to abuse children and destroy others lives; sadistic.
So; the work is; Im to use my imagination and come up with the type of connections and life Im really interested in living; the real one aligned with my inner being; who am I, who was I suppose to be when I grew up; what was I suppose to do when I grew up; who was I suppose to hang out with; surround myself with; who? or what?

I was in a dream world when young; I saw others around me with money and I tried to hang around them as if I came from money; little did I know; i came from nothing; if i had known this; I could have been working on a solution very young; but I did not know this; and I had no idea I was going to be destroyed and thrown away when very young; because at that point; I was stranded and damaged and could not function for myself. I did not know this was going to happen; but the psychopaths who did this; they knew all along from the beginning.
So; I have an idea of the goal; can it be done; its about my beliefs and my ability to create faith; it can be done; its going to be hard work.
When I have good intentions but deeper bad thoughts; I get what I attract. So; I have to hang on and keep trying.
What do I really like or what kind of environments do I really like and what kind do I not like; thats what I have to find out.
I have to learn to take this seriously and not dwell on he negative; but look only at the positive; and thats is the challenge and the goal; change a PTSD based mind; but it can be done.
Something else I would say; I have to allow the humans I meet; give them a break; I doubt Im going to find the right people all at once; Ive been through this before; thinking ive found nice people; in the end; they had no interest in me or were not interested in giving me attention unless they were getting something in return; a chunk of me; and Im not for sale.
So; I have much to learn. Im not from a middle class money based situation; this scares me; but Ill have to learn.
I have to take chances and weed through life a bit until I believe I can find what Im looking for; I might have to go through a lot of judgment from immature spoiled people until I find what really turns me on. My right direction.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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