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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Connecting the bridge

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:30 pm

A bridge back to this life. Im not on that bridge, or, Im on the edge of that bridge.. I have to have the original memories; be connected to them. I will see them and feel them and grieve the losses. Lots of losses, lots of me caught in those past memories. When experiencing these "original me" memories, the pain of loss and abandonment comes with it. I see the memories, I also see when I tore away from those memories and the pain of many forms of that rape of self. I've been raped in many different forms... ITs a horrible thing to look back on; to see a life destroyed for no reason. This abyss( that area of most trauma) is a place of dissociation. My life's work is to get in-touch with that area, get my memories back and then head forward. That will be allot of work and processing, as I will remember what I had and what I lost. What I lost is the hardest part... That is the " gnashing of teeth, part!" section!, the place of denial. Many people are in this place in there lives.. I've found to trust God and keep going , heading toward this brook of reality. The memories, as I get close wont kill me, ( not now)…. The associates in the memories I trusted betrayed me at some point. It is hard accept to feel and see the memories with "them" in the picture. It is "them" that broke my heart, my will, my soul. These people are ( were) organized murderers; that is all they were. There love for the system, and to serve it to glorify themselves was there only cause.

They were murderess: That is all they ever were. I never knew... I thought they were nice people.

This is what Iv'e learned: Im a nice person, I need nice people around me. I don't have to be around creeps.. I need real , and I need, and I deserve decent people around me. I thought in the past that I was around real people, decent people. They were demons. I did not know, as I never rocked there boat. If I had rocked there boat at an early age, I would have seen through the facades to the real animals underneath. I loved these people, ( what a joke, the joke was on me) they did not love me, nor did they have one ounce of love or interest or worth for me. I was mistaken; just mistaken identification. I thought I was associating with decent people, I was wrong, they were nice sounding vampires... nothing more. I never knew I was in a den of black widows.. Now I see them, I see vast numbers of them.. A whole city full of " them", my eyes have been opened by God and it is saving my life. I don't care what murderers and vampires think of me, and that is the beauty of it all.

I will never be around these people again... They wont remember me. They never liked me in the first place. ( they never had any internal principles to " like" others in the first place) I never knew; I know now... they thought they were better then me, better then everyone. I never knew, I know now.. They would sell me down the river, they would buy the noose to put around my neck... They never cared as they were never friends of mine in the first place. How horrible and despicable to find this out, and have to live through it. They were never safe!, I did not know that. If I had known they were not safe I would have ran to help to get away from them. Whats decapitating is; they were never friends of mine, yet I was around them day after day, year after year. Never liked. Secretly they hated me and had contempt... My role was ever believing in them or what they believed in. Next time I believe in myself and what I believe in.... And trust God...

I have a long way to go. My mind was damaged for a long long time. I have much work to do and much connection or reconnection to establish.. All very hard and dangerous to do.

I have to remember that Im not in control, God is in control. I have to remember its one sliver of memory at a time. Those memories are so powerful in defining my self worth, I could kill myself by feeling the full impact of one such memory; very dangerous stuff. I have to take it easy... Slow the boat... Its not a race according to others or what others think I should be doing@!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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