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Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 27, 2019 1:24 am

Confidence in the places of my mental breakdowns; Im attempting to work with God in these areas to face myself and work through these areas and build back confidence.
My confidence was destroyed in areas Im dissociative; its hard or impossible to have confidence in areas Im dissociating; I think thats obvious and does not require an explanation to the reader.
Im attempting, as I get better, to explore what is “ right in front of me”, open up the box, and look around in it; the places of dissociation; the goal; stay awake and accept what I see, even laugh about it; become friends with it and move on; Im doing this because Im becoming stronger. Of course this is scary work; what caused the dissociation in the first place?; thats a very turbulent place or set of memories of shock. So; its a hard place to visit and work through; a place of grief; lots and lots of overwhelming horror that causes tons of thick melting grief; overwhelming amounts; like a polar ice cap full.
However, as I get better in one area; this recovery is crossing over with strong intention into other areas; and Im riding on the back of these strongly built intentions in a positive way. Im walking through the magic doors into new fields of broken but untouched dreams; and Ive created a clean up crew to start organizing these dead fields into living breathing fields of new possibilities.
Restoration is the name of the game.
The ability to get strong in one area and then apply it to another area is creating healing; when things start healing up and I start taking chances and rebuilding on these sites; rebuilding good things; I end up getting confidence. Im applying myself again. Im having success in my dreams again; they are showing up; Im participating again with success; and this is laying the ground work for confidence. Once confidence has been built in one area; Im heading off to another area to clean it up; reformat it; build a new structure; have success within applying myself in that structure; taking chances in that rebuilt form and thus building confidence; as more confidence grows; more old areas, or dominant negative stories are being wiped out and new confident positive stories are in its place creating new play areas to build more confidence; a domino effect.
Turbulence; its a turbulent feeling and un secure feeling to go into these places all alone; “ me and God”; and explore and clean these old battle fields; Im not sure; I never knew if demons are lurking in the old fall out shelters of my mind. I don't know who or what Im going to find; old bullies waiting to clobber me and create more humiliation and demoralization? I don't know.
So; Im facing what I have to face. unfortunately, I have only outside help for such things; I would like to have more support; but at this point I don't need it. I can go into my own mind with God and look around and start the clean up process; and start fighting and cleaning out resistance.
Its not easy; non of this; its like Im a a soldier fighting in WW2; I have to face that a battle is nearing and I have to go in and clear out the enemy.
Im oKe; but I need more reassurance. Im still to weak and afraid. I cant do this on my own; so; I must turn to the universe for help. Ill get their; more experience in these fields of battle are needed that I win a battle and come up to speed.
Im getting the bigger picture; its humiliating; Im worth more then being thrown out and thrown down to work this stuff out on my own; its all in-human stuff. However, Im not changing the past by ignoring what happened; Im learning to ignore the power the past has had on me; face it, create new fields of dreams and move on or move in.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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