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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Confidence

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 27, 2019 1:24 am

Confidence in the places of my mental breakdowns; Im attempting to work with God in these areas to face myself and work through these areas and build back confidence.
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My confidence was destroyed in areas Im dissociative; its hard or impossible to have confidence in areas Im dissociating; I think thats obvious and does not require an explanation to the reader.
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Im attempting, as I get better, to explore what is “ right in front of me”, open up the box, and look around in it; the places of dissociation; the goal; stay awake and accept what I see, even laugh about it; become friends with it and move on; Im doing this because Im becoming stronger. Of course this is scary work; what caused the dissociation in the first place?; thats a very turbulent place or set of memories of shock. So; its a hard place to visit and work through; a place of grief; lots and lots of overwhelming horror that causes tons of thick melting grief; overwhelming amounts; like a polar ice cap full.
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However, as I get better in one area; this recovery is crossing over with strong intention into other areas; and Im riding on the back of these strongly built intentions in a positive way. Im walking through the magic doors into new fields of broken but untouched dreams; and Ive created a clean up crew to start organizing these dead fields into living breathing fields of new possibilities.
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Restoration is the name of the game.
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The ability to get strong in one area and then apply it to another area is creating healing; when things start healing up and I start taking chances and rebuilding on these sites; rebuilding good things; I end up getting confidence. Im applying myself again. Im having success in my dreams again; they are showing up; Im participating again with success; and this is laying the ground work for confidence. Once confidence has been built in one area; Im heading off to another area to clean it up; reformat it; build a new structure; have success within applying myself in that structure; taking chances in that rebuilt form and thus building confidence; as more confidence grows; more old areas, or dominant negative stories are being wiped out and new confident positive stories are in its place creating new play areas to build more confidence; a domino effect.
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Turbulence; its a turbulent feeling and un secure feeling to go into these places all alone; “ me and God”; and explore and clean these old battle fields; Im not sure; I never knew if demons are lurking in the old fall out shelters of my mind. I don't know who or what Im going to find; old bullies waiting to clobber me and create more humiliation and demoralization? I don't know.
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So; Im facing what I have to face. unfortunately, I have only outside help for such things; I would like to have more support; but at this point I don't need it. I can go into my own mind with God and look around and start the clean up process; and start fighting and cleaning out resistance.
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Its not easy; non of this; its like Im a a soldier fighting in WW2; I have to face that a battle is nearing and I have to go in and clear out the enemy.
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Im oKe; but I need more reassurance. Im still to weak and afraid. I cant do this on my own; so; I must turn to the universe for help. Ill get their; more experience in these fields of battle are needed that I win a battle and come up to speed.
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Im getting the bigger picture; its humiliating; Im worth more then being thrown out and thrown down to work this stuff out on my own; its all in-human stuff. However, Im not changing the past by ignoring what happened; Im learning to ignore the power the past has had on me; face it, create new fields of dreams and move on or move in.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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