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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Confidence

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 27, 2018 9:53 pm

Something is still stopping me from being with women; a gap resides between my feeling good about myself and me feeling bad about myself because I dont have experiences that have filled in the gap from my childhood! Im getting closer and stronger to face what happened to me in my childhood; the horrendous nightmare! As I get stronger and over come this story of the past; and face what I have to face; feeling the edges and fringes of extreme pain from this situation and that fact that I lost my sanity; I will venture 4th into a real life once again!
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Face the area of the past; the playing field; seeing it, feeling it , sensing it once again! The problem is; my nervous system has a blanket steal shield over everything; its like plexiglass steal shielding; One can see through it; but not hope to bust through it! it has to be broken through on the inside! Someone has to give permission for the shields to go down!
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Confidence; thats what its about! I have to be able to interact; walk over to a women and talk to her; not dissociative because Im thinking about what she will do for me and Im insecure and stuff; stuff dragged up from my past; and Im working on it! Its a matter of time! Time will tell!
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Im really scared of my first real new girlfriend! Im scared of it; that connection interaction; Im ashamed because of it; it feels so anti masculine to be afraid like this; Im afraid of what other people will think! its horrible; goes against my image as though guy! or something like that; something I've created in my head!

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Im getting better! a gap resides between where Im at now and the confidence to stand on my own 2 feet and be present enough to approach a women and get a phone number and ask her out; a women I know will go out with me!
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Im scared; what if she is the wrong women! what if I dont like her credentials! What do I want; I want to align with source energy and allow the universe to bring the women to me! and I thought I was doing that! So; Im waiting for source energy to make it happen!
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I might see a women very close to me; physically! but its not enough; She needs to " show up"; I have to feel she is in line with me! she's got to show up! show up in front of me; inline with me! She has to!
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Im getting closer! However, Ive learned to talk about the relationship after Im in it; not when its just imagination in my head! I wont really know hows some one feels about me until Im actually going out with them!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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