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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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confidence and self worth and relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 27, 2019 3:37 pm

Trying to figure this out.
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I hate people and Im envious and jealous of them. They have more then I do; and it drives me crazy. Im a nice guy; isn’t that enough; I guess not; but more importantly; A gap resides between me and other people; so I feel like Im competing with other people; Im not going down my own journey. My journey is full of terror and pain and anger and hostility and low self esteem; I don't feel like I own my own path; someone else does. Even if I was on my own path; I dont care anymore; I just throw it away; so, hopefully I can learn to care again.
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So; what do I do; How do I stand up for my own path. I don't know; but I do know; theirs a gap of disbelief that Im waiting for the universe to fix. I dont get it. So; Ill have to reach out to the universe for more. I dont understand.
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I think Im 2 good to be with certain people; am I really? or is this just pretend. Ive had women like me; Im 2 good for them; or I dont think Im good enough and Im actually scared of people when Im close up; and I think thats closer to the problem.
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Women;

Ive had women like me but I was not man enough for them; but in reality, I was man enough for them; I wasn’t good enough for them because they were 2 shallow. they are just arrogant and a waist of my time; Ive even asked those women out; I knew they liked me but I flaked on them; I didnt really pursue them or ask them out; I asked for their phone numbers; I was practicing and wanted someone better.
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Have I ever asked out or hung out with anyone better? did I ever get invited to a place with these better people. Did I try. How am I going to get to know people if I dont start becoming a people person again.
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What is better; I wanted someone with an education; well; maybe they were getting an education; I wanted someone with money; well, maybe they’d get a good job and have money. So; I didnt really believe.
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I had my original plans when a kid; and all of it was destroyed; and I was left alone. So; How do I pick up the pieces again; what do I do.
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35 year ago, when I was going to be an artist; I didnt know what else to do; I had no other plans; I never did anything; I never created any art; I did nothing; and their it is;
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Why; if I wanted to be an artist; why didnt I be an artist and complete things and have my own shows; why; and thats what Im looking at; and their it is; and thats what Im working on right now!
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So, how do I feel about being an artist; I could do better; originally, I would have become a scientist or an architect; but that got stolen from me.
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I never address the issue; I fiddle around with the small stuff so I dont have to. To coward-ess. not going after my dreams.
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Women;
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I dont know; I saw a vid of a women artist; she had her own show on youtube; She was perfect; she just was; it was perfect; if that feels right; I should just go with that; thats what Im looking for’ someone like the art girl in the vid; her channel...
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I have to learn how to go after what I want. Im mad concerning what I want; I want to be different; I want to go after different.

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I want an art girl; like the one on youtube; I want to be set up with someone like her; so; I have to work with the universe again.
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I know what I want. but its confusing; the directions. I settle for anything because I have nothing; I dont have a house; I mean; I get hit in my mind with what I dont have; I feel like I have to have these things or I wont be accepted by women; I have to have money or I wont be accepted by women. and I dont want to go through this; but plenty of men have given up; they wont date women anymore; numerous amounts of them; is that what I want....
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When it comes to women; who do I meet. I dont know; but Im getting closer to knowing what Im looking for.
The art girl was right inline
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with me. The real me. So; Ill try for someone like that; and see if one shows up!
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I feel like a loser when it comes to women; So, if they want to see me that way; I wont have anything to do with them. But that cuts out the better women in the world. But the better women require money.
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Ive worked with the universe for a long time concerning getting to know places to meet new people; I guess Im going to have to be committed to this and go for it; thats whats missing; Im missing from the mix; but Im getting stronger and stronger. I dont trust the middle class people I remember; non were my friends; I had no friends; and they didnt care about me; nothing; it was horrible. no one cared about me or my future; nothing.
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This is not going to be easy. Maybe it will be. I have to decide what I want
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Art intellectual; She’s sensitive; as an artist. So; Ill start with that I guess. yes!
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My thinking betrays me; tells me negative things. I have to over come it.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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