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OMNICELL
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Completely dissociative; not anymore

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 29, 2020 10:33 am

Completely dissociative; not anymore....
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Im still dissociative.
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35 years. ago or more; in college; I could no longer function outside. Everything came crashing down. Agoraphobia.
I could not perform anymore; I started drumming in the window of my dorm. I could no longer handle the real world. Air drumming; from real drumming to air drumming to no drumming and then no relationship ability…. slowly getting sicker and sicker and more crazy and dissociative; until finally profs were complaining about my work ; saying I was crazy…
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Now; as my mental illness goes down; and it has been; Im still damaged. still have CPTSD. after 50 years; things are changing in my favor. Ive wanted to do something for real; not dissociatively . I. Didn't want to play air guitar for ever; but I gave up ever being in reality ever again; to many dissociative. PTSD walls trapped me.
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Here is an example of what Im talking about; Im spontaneous and would buy a guitar but never learn how to play it. And this would go on for 50 years. I played the piano; but just fooled around.
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After going to the nut house in 2006; I came out with an interest in music again after 20 years. I had forgotten or dissociatively shoved it out; it disintegrated and was no more. Then it came back.
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I started composing; it was a renaissance for me. I composed about 300 pieces; many songs and experimental stuff, piano stuff..... classical stuff.
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Ive never learned a piece of music in my life. Maybe a Bach song on piano; and thats it; because of trauma background; I never learned how to Read music at the piano; but I learned how to compose music with traditional notation by practicing and studying music theory in college. I Studied musical scores and its definitely a creative calling for me. I would listen to classical music and learned how to play the piano in classical style; I studied classical scales and arpeggios and finger exercises.
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So; I never learned a song; never played live; nothing. but I did play and learn; I had been getting relief from trauma by hiding in the drums for years; since a little boy; I never took them seriously until high school; but it was 2 late; I could not take responsibility for myself; I was 2 separated from myself.
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I never learned one song; ever... 50 years. I was not able ; not able in reality. I was a destroyed person. trying to hang on. I was so hurt. I could not handle anything; or coming into reality; impossible.
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If its not in reality; nothing will ever come of it. Only day dreams. nothing.
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I could not handle what I did not ever become. learning something would define who I had not become. I would just be a guy who had learned one song in my life; while someone else had been a college prof or scientist or Architect; I was nothing. and it would prove it if I actually learned to do something basic that would take me into reality; instead; I stayed in a dissociative dream world. Getting worse; my condition started to resemble schizophrenic condition; it wasn't schizophrenia; it was severe dissociative disorder; left me completely disabled.
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Today; things have changed. Ive been working long hours; 10s of thousands of agonizing hours. 10s of thousands... Years; decades in the recovery process to get better or just hang on...... That is a very long time....
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Today Im working on learning the lyrics of a song. its happening. 15 years ago; I tried to act; I could not memorize anything because of PTSD. And I could not memorize a long; to much reality for me; and would bring my past crashing down on me.
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Recovery work with success based thinking concepts and study; this is working for me’ and now Im starting to apply techniques to memorizing. It takes work; Lots of work....
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Im now memorizing words to a song with the goal of completing a song( not my song) and performing it and I don't mean maybe; Im different now. Im excited about finishing it and working on it. ( memorizing it). Not running from it because I wont get anywhere in life or its not a good enough example of my skills off life; not a good representation. It matters not anymore. It matters not if its a meager example of my skills in reality; what is it then; what doest it represent; it represents what makes me feel good… And that is the path of least resistance; And their is no other goal…. it is the only goal. anything else I want; I must work for; and allow the universe to teach me the processes of how to feel safe and do such things.
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The goal is to do something that makes me feel good in heart and soul and thoughts; all aligned with the universe. Meditation can get me their...
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This means letting go. Heres the deal; I never liked music because it was not engineering... I thought I had to become something like and engineer; to be something; My guidance system is already set up working with the universe. I am to become what makes me feel good. after I do what makes me feel good I will be happy; and then I can concentrate on becoming a rocket scientist if thats what I want. I can do what ever I want; but it has to be inline with my inner being. One thing at a time.
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Im getting my guidance system back and Im not shying away from my path because of what happened to me when I was younger. Im accepting things; turning toward my path and working with God and others but not running away. I have great damage and horrific train wrecks on this trail with my death many times and gouging horror and violence; and I must simply work to stay present and when I hit an obstacle; i walk away coolly and calmly and get help and work through the disaster.
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Im moving forward as my memories come back and I'm feeling again. Im learning how to feel again; and it's coming back; this time it's not about wanting to connect to parents; it's about how I actually felt independently when young; it's about sneaking out and feeling free and how I felt. It's coming from my inner being.
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Im not needing anyone else; for I was on my own secret journey no-one knew about ever.
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I was silent about who I was and my interests... My parents shuffled me to a place. and I took off and looked around and had fun and lived and laughed and met other kids my own age. Nice kids. and girls...
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I had no now hidden life before it was destroyed.
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Im getting that hidden life back because the child in me is back within me and not locked up in the past. the child is within me and living memories as he lived them at the time freely. These are my Real memories as I felt them and saw them 50 years ago. Im in line and in touch with the child within me. and he is sharing and living those memories as if he is their. and what is interesting; no one else is there. It's just me wondering around feeling everything. And how wondrous everything is; first person point of view. And it's my experience. And Im getting those experiences and dreams and thoughts back when living at my house in 1970; my dreams; they are slowly coming back... slowly; it's a tough deal tho.
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I have to feel safe and remember more; for this to happen; later events must be worked out; like bulling and abandonment and sexual abuse... and the school abusing its rights over me and throwing me away.
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back to the subject; memorizing lyrics.
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So; I could never really. do anything; PTSD would not allow me to do anything and I was never in reality. And I felt horrible about myself and with all the flashbacks and critical voices; impossible.
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I have transcended the impossible.
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Im now memorizing with the right mind set; it is the small child in me that has taken over; he was destroyed; he came back; he came to me and now he is back and growing and living again; a living being. he is still beat up but he has been resurrected; and he goes back to his house on C street. He goes into the basement and is continuing where he left off before he was destroyed; he is under Gods care and my care; and then he comes to me and lives in me and directs my interests
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He now wants to learn to sing and play; and he is. And it is him that is excited about moving forward with what he wants to do for he does not have to wait until he is in heaven; he is doing it now and he gets to do it now.
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What Im looking for; I'm looking for his memories to be my memories again with no laps. His memories become my memories; and this is happening as he learns to trust me again; We will see. its already happening. I need them all back and permission from God to get them all back and connect with them. It's up to the boy in me. It's interesting because its all the individual memories; no one else around; its all my observing when I was a child of everything; stuff that I saw and felt; no speaking; all stuff internalized; things that were important to me. And I want back what was important to me.
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Back to memorizing. lyrics.
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It's official; it's happening. And Im in to it. ITs about intellectual qualities applied. if I can memories; I can be an actor or. song writer or writer. Its that simple.... And if I can do it; it means Im willing to be these things because I believe again. And there it is. and its so much more than this.
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So; what is it like to be able to move forward; I remember this from very young. It's about accomplishing things in the present as if Im in the present functioning again; it's about working at something; ;labor; and then reaping the rewards after the hard work; and there it is.... enthusiasm; happiness; looking forward to things.
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I absolutely love music; and if I get inline with it; Ill listen too it night and day and write songs nd perform songs.. cant wait for this to break .
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if I can memorize one song; I can perform that song; its freedom ; Im free; I can do anything Because those. principles I needed to succeed in life; they must be present for me memorize one song; its like a little cosmos world; a tiny simulacra of big life.
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I wish I could describe this; this whole thing; the child me; is home. and so. he is now connected and doing what he wants; He is feeling again independent of PTSD. But the PTSD is still running. he’s able to finish what he wants to finish because he is home. And he is. safe; and the memories of other bad times are loosing their strength because he is back at a younger time and home. And all of these things would have happened if I took my life and he was in heaven; but God gave me a present; what I would have gone through in heaven; God has created for me down here again. I get to live it again. The more Im with my original house in my imagination; the more it comes back; the more I come back into my house on C street and nothing after it. I come back to when I was very young; and when established; I go from their into new fields of dreams in the here and now in 2020. But Im still that little boy from 1966 to 1970. I was 4 years old in 1966. I very very bright and very awake; The Vietnam war was waring and the protests were everywhere... or they will be..... And the creation of the original hippies with flowers in their hair..... and Woodstock and The Beatles and later Led zeppelin; In those days; middle class kids would put their big brothers giant Pioneer speakers out the windows or on the porch; on Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays and crank zeppelin all day long…. Or your big brother and his friends would be working on or washing their muscle cars; 67 Camero’s or Novas or Mustangs with Zeppelin cranked out the windows of the house.
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The point is; he is back functioning again; he feels safe and still traumatized but safe enough in his boyhood home in my imagination; to go to the next level. So he is coming back and he is exited about creating again in safe quarters.... and he is remembering; but the pain; it is great. And he must be careful and slow at this level as the memories. return to him; for he has been in a protective cloud for a very long time and at other times and for a very long time he vanished into thin air. He was pulled down my throat as he was disintegrating into thin air and he is no more. As I asked God to bring me back; he was materialized again. For his time had died and he was no more and had not been for a very long time and he was resurrected by God slowly; and I witnessed this resurrection. Now he is hungry and wanting something to eat. and he is awaking. And he knows what I know. And now he naturally is giving him back his home and is in his basement and he is starting where he left off for he is back in his childhood home; so the work continues and I am their with him; but my mind is mixed up and hurt and damaged. But it's happening. and I think what is happening is; as he remembers enough; we are joining together; the gap is closing and I think it will.
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I never thought about being a lead guitar player; I guess or suppose I can. I mean; I can; I will look into this…. Now that Im memorizing songs; I can do anything.
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So; back to lyrics. I am actually memorizing a song; it will take 2 months to memorize; what I would have been doing in 5th grade or second grade; I don't know; does it matter; yes; maybe; it's been a month. Im about a 3rd through and Im working hard; and this thing is really happening; Im back living again. Well; Im exercising the idea. But its more then that. Im in the present and future reality and no reason to look back. Nothing; everything I want is in the present and the future. Not bad Id say. for a guy who wanted to die most of his life... Not bad at all...
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Problems with women and dating continues until God helps me. Most of this is about me becoming the kind of person I want to meet. I have to become the person that wants to build a relationship with the right person and mentor the whole thing; get the persons trust and work with the person to trust me and help her and build with her a trust bond that builds a relationship. Im having problem; I guess I haven't met the right girl yet! Something is always wrong... I have get over women and people so I can be comfortable around women and people; something is missing. Im stuck and stopped. so; thats where the work is.. Im still to immature.
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Its about visualizing; and its happening; Im closer; my mind is on the past; that present place; but its coming back; its switching from the past to the present;’ its happening. I have to keep working on stuff. and keep working at it; not give up;’ sometimes its overwhelming. ITs about visualizing in the present…. And Im doing it. Im seeing her on my lap; However, I have to see her completely on my lap and me interacting with her and staying present in my visualization;
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I have to stay present long enough that it becomes a reality; and what am I fighting; Im fighting dissociation into the past; for when I visualize this new soulmate; it means the old is not my focus anymore; and Ive been dependent on those old tapes for a long time.
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As for the old tapes I see that are grooved into my past; think of being dependent on your mother and your like a small child ; a mothers boy. Thats what the past is; its my mother and I am safe their living in it; but its not safe anymore and its a lie and its not necessary; for I have done the work.
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So; Ive got much more work to do. I have to become the person I want to go out with. I. cant expect someone in my life but not be at the same frequency; how will I attract them…
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Im getting their; but Im not their yet. Im like a guy that wants to bench press 220 pounds; but Im only at 170; Im strong but their is a gap between where Im at and w here I want to be

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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