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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Coming back; no friends

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 06, 2019 3:50 am

What is it with friends; I mean; Ive got fake fair weather friends; or acquaintance friends; but not best friends; no one. I would have liked to say I had a few close friends; but I don't;
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Ive been or collected or created a situation with people to survive; what does that mean; Ive used them for my purposes indirectly and directly. It means I was friendly, I showed up. I participated; but I never really liked being their; I had higher goals. Ive been involved for one reason; to further my development; nothing more. Im in the the recovery process; did that mean I like it or I like what its doing for me; its saving my life and getting me away from the past; turning me into a newer person that can handle has own life so I don't have to go back to what I came from.
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I had plans once; it was innocent and not possible. it was all in my head; I had dreams about the future; but their was no future; I had as much future as a war child from a war torn country has a future. No future and no escape. If I did escape I would pay for it; I would be damaged in the end and no one would care. No one would care if they ever saw me again. No one would care what happened to me ever. And they didn't care if they ever saw me again; for they never cared if they met me.
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I never had friends; but didn't know. The only friends I really had were a couple of brothers who lived to the south of me; that was all. I used to go to their house; they had a trampoline in the backyard.
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I did not make a mistake when young; I was victimized; thats not my mistake; I was suppose to have human rights and American rights under my flag and the wars fought for my right to constitutional rights. However, that never happened for me; I was demolished and I was pulled apart into pieces.
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Looking back; no friends; nobody; nothing; all those dreams; all those people. nothing. no-one
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Im Ok;
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As for anyone past my childhood or 18th birthday; they don't count; its all been about death or recovery. In the recovery process; the only friend has been development; the only friend has been the universe. Ive had allot of associates; people Ive known. but I never wanted to know them. I need them to get to the next level of my recovery; and it still continues to this day. I don't hate them or like them; they are faces in the recovery process. Its a necessary evil. Its like being in a cancer ward in the hospital; I might share an area with other cancer inductees; does this mean we are best friends; no; Im their for one reason; to get the hell out of their in one piece. I dont want to know anyone enough to be committed to them; thats not why im in the hospital. I want to get better and get on with a better more independent life.
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The point is; Im getting better; Im lonely. At some point ill do something about that as I get better.
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Ive silently used people to get better. Im still doing it. I tell no one the real reasons; I just show up and get the recovery I need.
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Im at church; God has me at church for a reason; is it to entertain the others at church; no! They are strangers; Im their for much deeper reasons; to help heal and rebuild the old me or the original me.
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I dont spend my time trying to fit in; if others dont accept me as I am; I give them a few chances and silently move on. Many people dont accept me for who I am; many people are immature and dont need to know me; I dont offer them anything to know me; nothing in it for them to know me. Being myself is not good enough; nothing in it or others; and thats OK.
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Regardless of what others think of me or not think of me; Im still using all of them for a deeper purpose of development; Im working through developmental trauma disorder; and its all about that; thats why I show up around others; do they know this; no; they wouldn’t have a clue.
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Im a bit mysterious around others. they are friendly; I dont need their friendship; but I need what they’ve got. maybe I need their resources or their time or a pat on the back or a 12 step meeting. I need their acquaintance. It doesn’t mean we are not friends.
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Friends;
I have a set of acquaintance friendships; These are guys I know from mens meetings. I cant say they are deep friends; but they are kind of; a survival kind of; Bonding kind of. However, at a deeper level; I want my life back; thats why Im their.
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Heres the deal; Lions are never tamed; they are simply getting free food. As long as the food continues to roll in; they will play the part; as soon as the food stops; they go back to being lions again. Im no different.
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With my values; Im a lion that is playing tamed; and I will continue to control myself and play the tamed roll as long as it gets me what I want; I am heading toward a fountain of gold; and that has a higher priority then how others see me. The gold Im seeking is development mental restoration. And this hard to find earned restoration is happening in my life; it is showing up; a brutal amount of work goes into restructuring a foundation that I get a chance of restoration. And that is and has been developing. Or, Im believing it is possible and its been showing up. Well; more then that.
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Ill write more about that in the next blog;
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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