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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Climbing out of the black; back into reality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 01, 2016 8:09 am

Reality; pure reality, my future reality that I am creating!

privileged children from good families are taught or can be taught to create their own realities!

I am learning about it! its hard hard hard work; not because its complex or hard to understand! The hard part is learning to trust again and deal with uncomfortable feelings of visualizing a new reality in FP POV; Feeling all the defeating beliefs until they go away! Fighting all the negative feelings and thoughts! Its possible; just hard!

Success coaches suggest; this part can suck; create a visual that you normally tell yourself to give up on! and You don't! you go in the opposite direction and don't give up! you see yourself in that impossible success even tho you don't know how your going to afford it or get their! and you end up visualizing yourself doing it anyway in the face of yourself telling you every kind of defeating thought!

I see all kinds of pain! I have endure and do the work anyway! If I want a future; its up to me! Im learning; its in the thoughts; the mind!

At some point I purposely learn to get excited about that goal while Im visualizing it! I had passion and positive love and enthusiasm!

Im so use to adding negative defeatism to everything; it has become natural way of life; and easy! When I attempt to add enthusiasm; I quit rather quickly! Im not used to trusting it or the feelings associated with it! However, Im not stupid; I can see the dysfunction staring me in the face! I use to being negative; it feels pleasurable! Yet, when I try to add positive I get hit with negative rage and hatred and contempt and evil and sadness and loneliness and pain; pain from my past! I get mad and hatful and abuse feelings! So, I have my work cut out for me! However, I also have a clear direction; eliminate negative from my visualizations and replace them with positive enthusiasm! And really believe in the positive aspects of things; including trust!

If I loved doing something I would do it! If I hated doing something I would not do it!

Ive learned to hate everything! Therefore, Ive done nothing! I have an overall feeling of possible abandenment associated with everything! No wonder I want to hide under the covers of my bed and never come out! Now I wanna come out!

I can recreate a visual of what it looks like to accomplish a goal before I do it! And when I am defeated in my thinking , I can change it; and it hurts! and I have to deal with negative thoughts that defeat me and the negative beliefs that destroy everything! And whats strange! Im creating the experience in my mind; this is not reality! Im defeated and feeling defeated; and it seems real! In fact, it feels actual; like Ive been defeated! and in reality, I had not started yet; I was only visualizing! What would happen if I could work all the defeat problems out in my visual before ever started on the real quests!

Its suggested that Generals win the chess game on paper before they go into battle! if they win on paper; they win in battle! Check mate on paper; check mate in battle! Same thing in goal setting! If I visualize the whole experience before it happens; and work out the negative thoughts! and win in my mind! and I have a clear picture of my gaol! then I win period! I can go into real life and make it so!

I remember having clear goals Ive been excited about! I went strait for them; I loved it! I accomplished it! The most important stabilizing factor! I knew what I wanted! I had a specific picture of what I wanted!~ all I had to do was Go for it!

Now; I get mixed emotions about everything! I have hate defeat emotions and thoughts associated with everything! And so, I must pic something and work through the negative thoughts! Remove them from the desire chain!

For example; Im extremely creative! Yet, I wont do anything! Why! So, I start with the idea of creating a picture! I visualize the whole experience! I look at the negative beliefs associated within the process; I analyze what happened; why the negative thinking and fear! I eliminate the negative from the visualization! Next! Why am I making art! For what reason! Where do I want to put the art! Do I want it in a gallery, a coffee shop! Do I want to sell my art! What do I want! I will visualize the whole experience from beginning to end and eliminate the negatives! And come up with a created plan on what I want to do with art!

If I make a vision board of doing art; or and keep a visual in my creative mind everyday! The Universe will start putting cloths on it! it will start walking; it will start talking in a specific direction; and a creative path to the end result will form! The Universe will bend in my direction and make things happen!

God; what about God! God is the head of the Universe! I can visualize God helping me!




Im aware that everything is in the mind; Im being stopped in my mind before Im stopped anywhere else! When Im stopped in my mind; I am stopped! However, their is hope!

limiting beliefs have ruled my life to the point of saturation! Ive believed them to the end of my life! its time to believe something else!

Abandenment and an unbelievable set of horror and circumstances! Im lucky to be alive! I was subjected to the lies and torture and exploitation of psychopaths and sociopaths and generally bad people! Even the people I deemed friends were not friends; they were taking advantage of me! I never knew! I was 2 young to know! Now, Im doing everything I can to get their thoughts out of my head!

Im learning now to become emancipated from everything and every one of the past! I did not realize the scope of seriousness that the past people, places and things created! None of it was real! It was all a contrived lie! I was being exploited! Its 2 bad I was not adopted out! Nothing was real! And this can destroy and deteriorate the heart of a decent person until they kill themselves!

Psychopaths do not care or think! They do not feel; they are not thinking of my survival! They couldn't care less! If I die or live means nothing; they are not thinking of me! They are predators looking to take advantage of anyone and anything living!

So, Im at a disadvantage! I have to work through a past that will give me nothing! No foundation! I came from nothing! I was faked out!

I learned all my values from TV! I had nothing else!

I am alone in that respect! I will see no one ever again!

The brothers I had; mean nothing! They are not my friends! And have no family values! They are strangers and do not know me! They are thieves and liars!

The goal I have; to come back to my original identity! It was crushed that I may fit in to survive! Now I lift it back to its proper position! Its proper position of value!

All my talents! I died over the neglect of them! Yet, now I believe they were not destroyed! Psychopaths and sociopaths never saw them! They did not see the inner me! They did not know I had talents or intelligence or abilities or anything else! They saw me as an object; mindless and dead! Thats the way they wanted it!

So, my talents lay dormant! What do I do! I must learn to trust God and build the basics back; basics are things or foundations I would have learned and felt secure in as a kid! For legitimate reasons, they were never built! The sociopath is not going to concentrate on helping me build my talents! So, now I must go into that place! That place of pain and neglect and start the process! I must trust God and work on this interest!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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