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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Childhood reconnection;

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

Im starting to connect to my childhood again; this is the me before I was hurt or ripped to pieces or mangled.
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Im starting to see several things; A pet store, a lake and a boat dock and a boat; A favorite Tv show; one of my childhood favorite shows. I remember H____n village; a place I visited for a week. I met a girl their; Was 7-8 years old. I fell in love with her; her name was carol; she had beautiful white like blond hair. I remember going to the meetings with the adults and speaking in groups with them; I went out of my way to do this. They thought it was great that I joined them; I was 8 sitting with adults talking about problems. I remember being on the bus that took us down to the water to the boat below that would take us to the main land; I had to say goodbye to Carol. It broke my heart; it was one of my best memories of childhood before I was destroyed.
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I remember my father and I and my brothers; after mowing the lawn; walking down the street I lived on and I remember how much hope for my future I had and how beautiful the area was; and what a great future I had and how lucky I was to be in this neighborhood.
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And I remember other things; and Im wondering what the universe has planned for me; what this is all about; but I know what its all about; Im being reprogrammed to be as I was before I was hurt and its working. Its hard work; its like brain surgery.
I remember swimming at the local indoor pool. I swam their every Saturday and Friday, and I would go ice skating every Friday night.
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This is going to be hard work, getting me back to a place where I feel stable around people.
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I realize that in the recovery process Ive been around allot of sick people, and neutral people. its had nothing to with my talents or intelligence. And soon, sociopaths or narcs take over the meeting; usually with a wife; a pair they are; and they runs things as if its a job and we all work for them; not all meetings; but most; the scum rises to the top; so, soon the meetings become corrupted.
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I know; if I could walk into a group of people and socialize at age 8 with a bunch of adults; I can do it again. I remember it; I was taking chances; taking open risks; I would like to find out what that looks like as an adult; what does risk taking look like.
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Ive found that life is not about my potential but about hiding from the trauma in my mind and nervous system.
I dont trust people; not after what I went through. And Im keen on seeing trouble when it gets close.
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Out of loneliness Ive allowed myself to be around any people regardless of how they treated me. Soon, they learned they could treat me any way they wanted to; However, Ive also learned how to deal with the sociopath; one most ghost or leave and not go back.
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So; Im learning.
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I have to keep writing my stories about what I want from my life as if I already have it.
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I have to keep up the work. also, work on stories that allow me to want to do things now; what thins right now would I dream of doing; right now; and let the universe create a path to such people and places and things. And that is a bit much for me to believe; so I write stories about it as if its all ready happened to I can learn to believe.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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