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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
Archives
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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childhood abandonment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm

They liked me up to 5 or 6 years old then through me away.
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I then had to not only spend my time around those that abandon me; I had to spend it around people that abandon children .
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When I was young; with the house I lived in; I had a place to go while I was being neglected or abandon; especially abandonment; their was enough food; only because my father was present and because we were little kids. You are not going to show the neighbors your a sociopath or psychopath based on neglect of children; not smart psychopaths; they have a reason to hide and make everything look innocent and smooth.
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When the house and neighborhood were gone and the parents were gone; I had nothing; I did not have anywhere to go; and my back was up against a wall; and I was a child... So; I went into a state of pTSD.
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Ive been falling for a long time from the abandonment as a child; I was a little child, and being thrown away at the same time and the rug being pulled out from under me from the beginning but never knew; I was 2 young; and nothing can be done about that; I can get mad about it all I want and frustrated; but I never have a chance; not as a child; never; sure; I wish I had known that; then I could have prepared for a long journey to escape as a child; but I never knew. I know now. I would have killed myself to escape.
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Ive been falling for a long time; the idea is to land and then get up on my feet and start over; or start for the first time.
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The idea is to land on my feet; stablize and start... And thats where Im headed; its like saying; Im getting over the past and starting; I stop falling and falling and finally land and stabilize. And thats whats happening... slowly; the stabliziation process is what Im looking for; its been happening but Im also falling still; Im still falling but Im at the end of that fall because the rest of me is stabilizing ito the present; so its a combination of both. The inner me is still falling; the rest of me or part of me has allayed hit and is getting up; and another part of me has been up and stabilized for a few moments of time. Its as if Im like a stretch machine. Im not one moment in time; Im many moments of a long period of time. Some of me has landed in this time period; some time periods have not come yet; and part of me is in those time periods showing up; and others are far off. The key is; part of me has landed and stabilized; another part is waiting to land and another part is still falling; free falling; a much younger part of me.
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Im doing better; but not quite present enough; A young women walked up to me; I know her; I said hi; she said hi; I was nervous; like a little boy; she was intimidating because I wanted to have sex with her and every opportunity is an opportunity; but because thats more important then my own mind; I was not in control of my own mind. Im better; a bit more confident; but cant ask for what I want yet; not that much confidence. I stood my own ground with her kind of; I was tung tide a bit; I asked her a few questions and then it was over with; the conversation because I was shy and insecure around girls; meaning women; but I call them all girls. She stopped the conversation and told me to have a good day; but I stopped the conversation at the same time and told her to have a good day; so; Im getting a bit stronger; Im not able to tell her what I want; or express any manliness and take over the conversation and sweep her off her feet and really get her to engage in conversation with me; act like I really care because I dont; Im only thinking from a lower point of sex and fun in the sunshine. But Im to bashful to show that side and it is really really scary to work on this in front of a girl. ITs really hard to believe I deserve this; but its a part of life I have to learn to master. I could have asked her to coffee; but I would have been to week for that; not manly enough... Not yet. She would respond to me if I was manly enough; but Im not around women; Im nervous and scared; hopefully as I get better; I can slowly lean how to bring me feelings out around women; Im so bashful...
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I stood my own; on my own 2 feet. Im so used to people rejecting me; its hard to open up and practice and feel sane.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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