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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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- October 2019
Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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childhood abandonment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm

They liked me up to 5 or 6 years old then through me away.
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I then had to not only spend my time around those that abandon me; I had to spend it around people that abandon children .
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When I was young; with the house I lived in; I had a place to go while I was being neglected or abandon; especially abandonment; their was enough food; only because my father was present and because we were little kids. You are not going to show the neighbors your a sociopath or psychopath based on neglect of children; not smart psychopaths; they have a reason to hide and make everything look innocent and smooth.
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When the house and neighborhood were gone and the parents were gone; I had nothing; I did not have anywhere to go; and my back was up against a wall; and I was a child... So; I went into a state of pTSD.
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Ive been falling for a long time from the abandonment as a child; I was a little child, and being thrown away at the same time and the rug being pulled out from under me from the beginning but never knew; I was 2 young; and nothing can be done about that; I can get mad about it all I want and frustrated; but I never have a chance; not as a child; never; sure; I wish I had known that; then I could have prepared for a long journey to escape as a child; but I never knew. I know now. I would have killed myself to escape.
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Ive been falling for a long time; the idea is to land and then get up on my feet and start over; or start for the first time.
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The idea is to land on my feet; stablize and start... And thats where Im headed; its like saying; Im getting over the past and starting; I stop falling and falling and finally land and stabilize. And thats whats happening... slowly; the stabliziation process is what Im looking for; its been happening but Im also falling still; Im still falling but Im at the end of that fall because the rest of me is stabilizing ito the present; so its a combination of both. The inner me is still falling; the rest of me or part of me has allayed hit and is getting up; and another part of me has been up and stabilized for a few moments of time. Its as if Im like a stretch machine. Im not one moment in time; Im many moments of a long period of time. Some of me has landed in this time period; some time periods have not come yet; and part of me is in those time periods showing up; and others are far off. The key is; part of me has landed and stabilized; another part is waiting to land and another part is still falling; free falling; a much younger part of me.
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Im doing better; but not quite present enough; A young women walked up to me; I know her; I said hi; she said hi; I was nervous; like a little boy; she was intimidating because I wanted to have sex with her and every opportunity is an opportunity; but because thats more important then my own mind; I was not in control of my own mind. Im better; a bit more confident; but cant ask for what I want yet; not that much confidence. I stood my own ground with her kind of; I was tung tide a bit; I asked her a few questions and then it was over with; the conversation because I was shy and insecure around girls; meaning women; but I call them all girls. She stopped the conversation and told me to have a good day; but I stopped the conversation at the same time and told her to have a good day; so; Im getting a bit stronger; Im not able to tell her what I want; or express any manliness and take over the conversation and sweep her off her feet and really get her to engage in conversation with me; act like I really care because I dont; Im only thinking from a lower point of sex and fun in the sunshine. But Im to bashful to show that side and it is really really scary to work on this in front of a girl. ITs really hard to believe I deserve this; but its a part of life I have to learn to master. I could have asked her to coffee; but I would have been to week for that; not manly enough... Not yet. She would respond to me if I was manly enough; but Im not around women; Im nervous and scared; hopefully as I get better; I can slowly lean how to bring me feelings out around women; Im so bashful...
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I stood my own; on my own 2 feet. Im so used to people rejecting me; its hard to open up and practice and feel sane.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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