Right now; its about visualizing my first love; re creating the narrative; Its taken another major jump. I mean it! Shes becoming clearer and more real; her memories... And how I interpret with her; interact with her is becoming easier in my imagination.
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Im feeling more solid. If I get this back; my relationship with her in my head; in my imagination; I become much more empowered; and I learn massive amounts on how to use my imagination.
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Lets see; what can I say.
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Feeling; The goal; Gods goal was for me to remember why I liked her; (pause) She was my friend and that friendship meant everything to me; I valued her so much. I wanted to be with her for ever; I absolutely loved being with her. I never told her. She wanted me but I did not respond to her... I mad about women; about how they respond; but one has to talk to them and tell them something; they must. it sucks; but if one does not tell them or ask them out; thats that; we are not talking about someone being at the hospital and getting care; we are talking about romance; and the first thing one must learn is; I must tell her up front what is going on; what I want and how I feel. One will learn this the hard way...
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So; Friendship is what God is showing me tonight. The value for her friendship; And im remembering it; in fact Im starting to gush; YES; this is good news; This means; slowly Im feeling again; I see her pictures in my head and my heart and mind just as I saw it before my mind was destroyed again. I saw her; experienced her; and wanted her... badly; no parental involvement at that time; they didnt even know. I would sneak up to her house and see her all the time after calling her all the time.. And their it is; a secret independent life developing; and thats what God wants for me; to get back to wanting something from this life. And thus; I am to remember her; to remember why I wanted her and to feel it; and that is starting tonight... today. Im seeing her and feeling her in my nervous system the way I felt her and wanted her the first time I saw her. This is O so good; a very good fantastic sign and its just starting.
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What does all this mean. I means Im getting my mind back; its my mind; what do I want to think about; and it means I would have the ability to go back up to her house when I was young and make out with her; tell her who I really am; Tell her how I felt about her and tell her how Im in trouble and tell her I wanted her and put her on my lap and ask her out and tell her I wanted her as my girlfriend and thats all I wanted from the beginning and then let her decide. And I will visualize all of this slowly from now until this situation maturates...
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Why is all of this important; do I plan to go back to her; find her on face book and propose marriage; NO!
Gods goal is to bring back many things in my life that long term PTSD destroyed.
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PTSD; as I slowly rise from its ashes... Its one of the most scariest words Ive ever seen; the absolute terror and fear that word creates in me... Pure fear and trembling terror as I rise out of it. Death; walking living death; like being chained in a dungeon deep in the basement of a prison never to surface ever again; pure fear; so much; ones mind goes and they are numb... Hell... Alive-Death/Death-alive..... Pure horror... Sadness... Death...
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So; At some point Ill finish this process of visualizing my first love and I will love her with all of my heart and never remember anything negative; it will all be pure love and I will remember when I first met her and all the pure love; all of it. And I will expand on that narrative to everything I wished I had done with her; and when its all over and Im finished with this and God is pleased; I will be much more present; much stronger and independent in my thoughts and actions. And I will start to apply it into the real world right now; And when I meet a women I like; I will be able to respond to her immediately and tell her up front how I feel about her and who I really am and what my motives are; and of course; I mean in a normal time period; one suitable for courting.... I will learn to tell them how I feel and what I want; not hide something. Not again; I'll learn. and Ill take God with me every second to help. Ill need the help; and I can already see my thoughts changing back to a more beautiful world in the here n now of a new life... I see it and feel it coming.
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Im also having a lover affair with Plastic Model Kits; the kind I built when I was a kid; cars and boats and tanks and planes and motor cycles; The kind one gets in Hobby shops.. Its great...
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So; Im learning how to remember what it felt like to love something again; just starting; I mean; just starting.. So; Ill check in as this gets more expanded.