Im starting to change; for the first time since childhood; a healing of my identity and self image; Its interesting how it happens; its just changed; I see myself as an older child or teen; I have on glasses; a sophisticated look with colored tee shirt and shorts; tennis shoes. This is an older version of myself from whence I was a child. This is not the third grader personality within me. This is a newer healed version of myself; several years older; or a few years older. But this version is the next level; a level I never actually got to in reality. This is in my imagination. What I am in my imagination I become in reality. Im slowly sweeping myself upward.
.
Im seeing a more healed version of myself; Ive moved from 8 years old to 12 years old; 11 years old; but its my look and its sunny out and Im by the college where Im going to take art classes... And I was actually going to do this when younger; I had started doing it when young. for the first time; Im seeing a new image of myself beyond that age. So; I am growing... This is where I have confidence or stability. Its from God.
.
Im learning how to be social and present again; very slowly; Im not fixed yet. Just starting again. This time; without the horrible people of the past that fooled me or were manipulating me... or abusing me...
Im dealing with abuse issues; hopefully with time I will feel safe where Im at and move on from the abuse.
Its strange to kind of come back to reality a little bit with some choices and better thoughts and not have a mother and father around or the original house or neighborhood. I have to use my imagination for all of it and my memories; Ill get their; Ill develop... Everything is going as planned; Gods plan...
As I get better; I continue to learn how to focus on those around me and not on dissociation. This will take work... it is...
Doing Art work is still aggravating; Ill have to work with God on it; Im scared to death to be at a drafting table or Art table and not be looking around to make sure Im safe.. Its hard to let go. I dont know if I can do it or not... Being open to attack; I dont like. Not at all. Still; much work in this area to be done.
.
Im a little better with people; but Im still dissociating and avoiding socially; but then im just starting in a lot of ways; I must remember this.
.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SO; I am getting better; Shame is the number one thing for me to explore; Ill have to explore it on another blog; it has to do with not being good enough to have a family; meaning; being part of a family; how I was treated and not being able to react to it; and having them do this to me as a child and behind my back ruthlessly; almost at a point of excitement.
.
Its beyond my comprehension how I was treated; I had no idea I wasn't being abused the way I was; no one was taking care of me; Nothing; had no idea. I was young and didnt know; I thought humans take care of humans; I thought the neighborhood I was being brought into was for me; they loved me and thus they brought me into a nice neighborhood because they loved me and wanted to take care of me. No way anyone would have guessed why they were actually there; I thought my father bought the house for us kids; thats the way it appeared; he was in control and made all the money... In reality; he wasn't even working half the time. His wife worked; bought the house. Why did she buy the house she did; Simply because she could walk to work. No other reason she was in that neighborhood; no other; I did not exist; and signs of that would start showing up in the first grade. Life was 2 hard for me in the first grade; I was already on my own.
.
So; Allot off anger is coming out from what they did to me and my childhood; as I take a look at what really was going on. Its really really easy to get mad at myself over this; but I have to remember; what actually happened; I was a happy go lucky nice kid making a life for myself; but I was around extremely demented mean sadistic evil murder like people I did not know a anything about. Looking back on it; Im now seeing myself with caution as I look back at the people and the houses I entered into; ventured into. Im seeing myself re create those situations with massive fear and caution as I slowly take a look at that from a top view down; and see myself slowly disappearing; slowly pulling backward. What I didnt realize as a child; I was actually not invited into those place; I was a 5 year old child playing with their 5 year old child. Thats the only reason I knew them; no other reason; had no value to them; did not know; I thought I was one of them; I was not.
.
Now I understand; they were never like me; Not the other way around. more n more; they were evil; pure evil; I had no idea until it was abruptly presented to me with hatred toward me; contempt for ever putting a foot on their property; As if they were superior to me. Now I know they were evil; pure evil; the devil. But there outside appearance; you would never believe it; they were not my friends. Thats whats most important; they were not my friends because they neither had my values nor my easy going way of life or sensitivity or kindness or connection to God; Nothing. They were fakes; I was real. I simply had no idea. And the whole outer life was like this; I did not know and I would be taken advantage of by most of them at some point and destroyed by all of them. Cowards; worthless filth... Unbelievable.
.
Ok. Lets see; I could not respond or did not respond when being bullied millions of times from every direction; Looking back; impossible. I was suppose to be taken care of; I had no idea what was going on. Now I know.
.
I have allot of shame work to do; massive amounts; Not sure the direction the universe will help me with. Lots of people taking advantage of me. over n over n over.
.
Learning how to love people. Learning how to love doing things. I was in the supermarket walking around thinking about; saying; I love this one person; over n over n over to myself; thats what and how I need to be thinking. And I am learning how to do this. I realized; when was the last time I loved doing things; I could say; I cant wait to get home so I can do what I love or be with the person that I love.
.
So; it starts with loving something; and God has already started that for me. Whats interesting is how to re connect to loving doing things. I have feel safe enough to allow this connection to occur... Its the pathway Im afraid I cant protect; the pathway between where Im at and make it across this divide into the other side; the connection for love.
.
Think about a pathway or how about a room; a big white room. And on one side is a mouse; and the other a cat. And the mouse is trying to make it to the trap door on the other side; the trap door allows the rat to come and go... So; the mouse tries to run for it or be cautious and cross the room; but the cat sees the mouse and chases the rat back up against the wall where the mouse hides in the holes in the wall where the cat cant get at it. And their it is; the mouse is trapped.
.
I am like the mouse; the mouse that has been trained never to come out into the room or the cat will always look for me; is always waiting for me to attack and chase; thus; I never get to the trap door on the other side and can escape into my life. And that is what Im working on today; I working with God for solutions to deal with the cat so I can feel safe crossing the divide through the trap door to the outside world and my new life or a life or life itself. Its happening tho.
.
Lots of guilt and un processed bulling; Lots of work here...
.
Sexual abuse and the inappropriate touching or groping of a man touching me. Im a male; men do not like another man touching them in this respect; sexually speaking; they will kill if someone does this to them; As they should kill for lesser offenses... So; as a boy; not being able to fight back against a grown man touching me like Im a girl; I cant describe this to anyone; its pure torture. Its real torture of a child. thats exactly what it is; its like setting a child loose in a maze with a man eating wolf... the child has to run and hide some how before the wolf catches him. And if I Doesnt hes eaten on or destroyed or raped... or what ever. but it never stops; the child is used as a toy... or object to destroy... its that simple. these sycophants are as bad as serial killers; same thing; same type of sadistic sociopath... or psychopath.
.
So; I have to deal with this happening to me with no escape and no place to turn; could do nothing; trapped like I was in a prison.
.
Ill have to deal with this... Not ready yet; cant solve all of this in one day. take it to God.
.
.
-----------------------
One thing at a time. Right now; Im just practicing re creating a new scene of an old relationship.
.
So; lots of guilt and massive massive shame; especially through the 80's and 90's. Had no life during that time period; and Ill look back and talk about why. And delve into it so I can reemerge with a new life and that is possible.
.
Going back into time periods before 18 years old; thats another story; thats much rougher stuff; but it will be done.
.