June 2025
May 2025
At the meeting tonight; my speaking; my speech; The dissociative child; Well; this child came out tonight; a bit stronger; but still weak because it was the first time this deeper issued child came out and spoke independently on his own in front of others; concerning things he witnessed as a child. In other words; the inner dissociative world; I just brought it out tonight in front of others.
.
So; what's it like to come outward.
.
Its not easy; its fumbling like being a baby giraffe standing for the first time; I witnessed that from a YouTube vid; a baby Giraffe coming from its mother for the first time; several hours later learning how to stand; its legs were wobbly, imbalanced; it slowly just stood there innocent insecure; it just stood there slowly getting used to the openness of life.
.
So; my inner child is doing the same. Im reporting where Im at as far as my life is concerned. Many of the self decided-important people in the meeting left; Those in clicks who think they are better then those of use attached to God. It matters not; They leave right when I start feeling safe and conferrable; they attack through dismissal and shame and contempt. They get up and walk out right when I need them; Or; thats what they think; thats how it appears... They are trying to make a fool out of me; its like sending a dagger through me from across the room. However, they dont understand. Im hooked to GOd; it matters not who they are or how they react. In fact; by them leaving; my message may have been to the other members of the room; it matters not; Im like a light house sending out a message for who ever its for. God helps me; I go to a meeting and I express how God has helped me.
.
So; the deeper child in me is now coming outward.... This means; more of the middle class me. And I do not know how Im going to be this person; I dont know. I do not have the strength; so; Im learning how to tell God to fight my battles for me. Because its GOds battle.
.
.
Cars;
I dont have a car; does God want me to have a car; I dont know. I tell God to fight my battles.
.
What does it mean that I dont have a car; well; I feel kind of backward and weak. And because it takes money; I will take it to God and tell God to fight my battles; What does God want to do about it or with it; its his job; not mine. I thought God wanted me to have a car; I dont know that he did or not; maybe not; but its his battle and I am to learn to like myself outside regardless. Im still the same worthwhile person regardless; Im learning not to care what others think of me but to worry about what I think of me for myself; for the betterment of myself. I have to learn; or I am learning how to stand on my own 2 feet regardless of what others do or think or dismiss me when they think they can do it and get away with it. They treat me like Im some kind of animal because they are actually the animal; Im actually the decent human being they cant stand to be with; they hate me because they hate the innocent child within me that is the real core me; and they hate the God that created that child; they want me dead; that innocent inner child dead; and God dead; They are natural enemies of GOd. And they want that inner child of mine carved up and destroyed. That child comes from God; is aligned with GOd and thus gives me power from God; and Gods enemies cant do anything about it; they cant control it; the light burns them because they are evil. Thus; at every turn they will attack if I let my guard down and its a thrill for them to see if they can get my trust to bring my guard down...
People like this worship themselves; the bad people Im talking about; they think they are Gods and they hang out with others who think they are Gods; and they worship each others; I stay away from them.. If Im in a room speaking with them; I still will let my guard down to let my message out; and usually they pull something on the side that will cause my embarrassment or shame; they have a way of finding the timing to catch me off guard. But they do not catch God off guard.
.
They see me as a free innocent piece of meet opening up as a weakling; when this happens; their fangs come out and there claws and They just cant help themselves. They seek power by destroying innocence in others; it proves to themselves and others that they are truly power houses on earth; they are pure evil. However, I am attached to God and owned by God; I am not easy bait; but that's what they think; they think Im easy bait. I am not; A chain is hooked to my heart; and it extends to Gods heart; so; Im not bait. Im am opening up to the world about what God has done for me; I am a witness to what GOd has done for me and I witness this to others freely; who ever is in the room at the time.
.
.
What happened for me tonight was the beginning of a strengthening; its as if Im now out of the womb of God; I have come forth and am now sharing and witnessing to what God has done for me.
.
Its very hard because I am very vulnerable and need to be loved and taken care of and it shows. and I will say that its always this way; its always vulnerable when starting; always; Im like a Baby Giraffe;
.
However, I say what Im suppose to say. I pray first and spit out what ever God coming through me wants me to say. Its very vulnerable and I can get hurt or bludgeoned; for those doing the harming; they put a notch on there belts thinking they have won a prize; as if Im a fool who was dumb enough to actually think they were important enough to send my energy to; That's how those monsters think. However, the reality was; I was opening up around people for the first time about deeper issues; and since I did it once; my conversation ability will now be stronger and deeper and more of the real me present and Ill continue to practice this. The universe is helping to strengthen me for relationships of some kind with someone. And; for those trying to hurt me or attack; or set up an ambush on me; THey think they got me; hurt me; exposed me with shame; In reality; no one got shamed; they shamed God; it was Gods energy coming through me; it was never me nor owned by me; and thus; these fools just tried to kill and maim the Holy Spirit of GOd; I think I read in the Bible; Thats not a good idea to play games with the Holy one of God; Thats a dangerous venture; regardless; I was just the messenger; Don't shoot the messenger!; Hes only sending a message from a higher power. So; these villeins dont matter. They think they matter; but they dont; In fact; Im sending a message to another groups of people at that moment... It matters not because the real reason of opening up is to start the practice of myself; being myself at a whole new level... Learning how to be safe being myself. ANd I can see where God is going with this; God is bringing me back socially to a higher level. With it requires more responsibility; so; Ill have allot to learn here.
.
As for my car; I don't know. But I know this; I can feel it; ( I have to own the idea of having a car). Its about being my car; it has to be "MY CAR"; not some concept I'm suppose to buy into from some past dictator in charge of my life that owned me or raped me or molested me or kidnapped me or any of a group of people that did the same to me; using me and discarding me. Those monsters cant be the ones determining my thoughts today. they decided if I got a car; today; I want to decide if i want a car; and that means; I have to feel like the perpetrators are gone and I'm in ownership of myself today.
.
My car has to be mine; the time period of buying a car has to be mine; meaning; the age time period; 14 to 17? it has to be mine; its mine; and thus; my life has to be mine at that age. I have allot of work to do concerning that age; However, that is Gods battle. God; take my battle! This is Gods battle. Concerning that time age; I have a lot of work getting the missing part of me from that age period; getting it back; bringing it back; getting it aligned again and brought back into me so I am whole again and own self!
.
So; before I can have a car; God needs to bring me back to myself at that age. I need to own myself. I'm still separated from self at that age because of bulling and overwhelming trauma; and its a severe split; severe breaking away!
.
So; I have to work with GOd to get that part of myself back. WHen a child; I had dreams of what I would be like at that age; but that never happened; altho destroyed at teenage ; the real me hid withinside self and thus; I believe God will bring that part of me back. If that happen; Ill have to deal with the sexual abuse at earlier ages first; from ages 11-13... And deal with being discarded from ages 9-11-13-14-17-18-19 and so forth. It just continues and continues. ANd actually it starts when Im born. And 3-4-5-6... From 5 to 9- independent years; but around 7; things are getting thin. I cant keep up; im hiding in cartoons and Im still 5 years old inside. Vie mentioned before; by the time I was 10- I was still a 5 year old in majority.
.
.
An awareness as I'm writing; I got an answer; If I want a car; the first thing that has to happen is; I must come back to myself and own myself; not others own me. I'm still playing the victim people pleaser and; out of intimidation; Im fawning others when around them and playing into them; not standing up for myself; I want to fit in with them and I want their attention. So; Im giving myself away.
.
I don't know if I trust this information concerning a car; but it seems to resonate within me.
.
Art work; that's what this is like concerning a car; Art work; it was separated from me most of my life. I worked hard after getting into it; later part of my recovery; I worked hard at it and God rewarded me by bringing Art back to me; THe part of me that is artist was brought into me; given back to me; God brought it back to me and attached it to me; I became whole in this area gain; and thus like a small puppy; Art followed me and has been faithful to me ever since; I own it; i own that part of me that loves art; loves to create it. And I want that same experience with a car...
.
.
.
I have to make it mine again; the car concept; It was never really mine yet; I was never present after a certain age. SO; I have to become present again at teenage years; yesteryears. THose teenage years have to be recreated in safe spaces with God present.
.
For most of my life; I didnt own Art; meaning; I didnt own the part of me that creates Art; I do now! God brought it back to me after I proved I wanted it; and I fought for it. and God brought it back and landed it right in front of me; Now its intimidately mine.
.
I want this to happen with Car... because a car would do so much for me. I calculated all the places I want to go on vacations; My idea of vacations are little skirmishes locally; meaning; in my state and maybe the adjoining state next door; maybe somewhere between 30-50-150--250 miles away for these destinations; and thats that. I mean; and allot of my vacation ideas are 30 miles out of town at a nice camping swimming area with trees and grass and modern amenities. Its a wonderful place. I would go out there every week; and on the weekends its always filled up... Its great... really nice campers and area and such... I spent many moons there when a little boy...
.
.
So; ya know; I can see the desire for a car; but I dont know how to get one. So; I give this desire to GOd to for this battle and I stay out of it. Im not going to be pulled into something that can hurt me;
expectations that cause resentments; I have to give this to God and stay out of it. I dont want my my self worth destroyed over a car; I want God to protect me; protect my interests first.
.
Anyway; I did get a message; I have to own myself at that age 14-16-17; God will put me through that age again and I will relive it; but this time in safe harbors. And I think; when I get that part of myself back from dissociation and separation from self; then the idea of a car will be a personal venture; no one else's business and God will create the beginning of such things. In fact; I can feel all of this. I can feel this; this car thing. I can feel the age it was suppose to start with that age; and develop within it.
.
Girlfriend;
In order to have a girl friend;
Its the same thing with a girlfriend; that time period of having a girlfriend; when that starts; age 14 maybe; or before for most; I guess; but I would say for me; it was teenage years..
.
For me to have a girlfriend I have to get those years back; 11-15-16-17; I have to get those years back and own them; make them mine. its like a piece of me has been separated from myself and its owned by bullies and others. And I have to get it back; I dissociated to survive; and I have to get it back; when I become myself I can make a girlfriend a personal thing; all my own; my business no one elses.. That kind of thing. and it may be that that kind of thing starts out much earlier; second grade; third grade; first grade; nursery school kindergarten; All those years when I was very young; I can see not owning myself but being under stress... So; I have to own myself when a teenager; when that happens; things like girlfriends will show up and cars I think.
.
Ill work with God on all this stuff; Im not sure what the next move is; Ill attempt to create stepping platforms in my imagination and start working on it; watching myself taking steps to my goals within my imagination. Stuff like that.
.
Plastic model kits; very important to me; I've got them; just have to start taking it seriously and start building them. IVe been stopped because I have not felt that feeling of security within me and my surroundings; Ill have to take this battle to GOd as well and just get started anyway.
.
.
Goals
#1 goal; Lyrics; Just like Art; Im attempting to get ownership of my music again; my music ability.
.
Im on the step of lyric writing. Ill have to work through it; break it down into steps and work on each step.
Im really seeing the PTSD and fear and terror from 7th grade when working on lyrics and music; the thoughts and feelings are simply horrible; deplorable. Thats the best way I can describe it... Ill pray about it and keep working with God on it. This is an important step right now; lyrics.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Emm', Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Jonathanmek, sempr
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Changes occurring; First speak; stepping out.
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 4.697s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.25
Time : 4.697s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.25