The title is deceptive. Im not that far along.
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The main issue with my first love is; everything that went wrong with her has plagued my entire life; its been a repeat of the same problems over n over and over and the hurt from that situation; ive never gotten over it; let alone even started dealing with it. Maybe just maybe Im finally dealing with it; or at least willing to look at it..
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As much as my mind wants to focus on her and what she did... her betrayal and lack of value for me. And the hurt and pain that caused; sickening; The fact is. At the moment I was suppose to ask her out; I pulled back in arrogance and instead I played the situation like a cat with yarn. Like I spun yarn at her as if I was in control... I had the power and Im played her; and suddenly lost her. And their is it; thats what really happened and thats whats continued to keep happening...
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Girls like me; I play them. Its almost as if an Alter steps in and takes over... regardless I can do something about it. But what? The problem is not the other prerson; its me.
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So; atleast ive gotten that fare.
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Tha acual relationship with the person is actually over in days...
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The most important fact about that situations is;
1. That relationship was over in a day because I had no intention of asking anyone out
2. I was under massive trauma from the past and that was the real problem and all that was really on my mind... And I was scared to death from terror and buried terror and had no answers to my life as it was being stuffed out in from of me; it was to much for any human being to deal with let alone someone as young as I was. I was not being loved; I was not loved; I was thrown away mercilessly; horribly. Unbelievable.
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The fact is; it was over in a day with this person who ever they were. I didnt care who they were. they meant nothing to me. And thats the problem. I could not go beyond this into the realm of feeling again. I did start to feel things for her but that was of a person who was dead and buried deep down inside me from the past. A giant gap between them and me...
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Its no different today. The problem with women is; I have to do the work where Im cleared of the past so I can ask them out right then and move into relationship status with them on the spot.
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So; the answer is; There really is no first anything. their is just a protected child who is in deep trouble and massive trauma during that time of fear... I have no idea what to say to this girl... Shes a stranger... I have no idea what to tell her about my real life; the one underneath the mask Im wearing. She is a complete stranger; I dont know what else to do or where to turn... I have no one. I dont know what to do...
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The fact is; Their is no relationship; There was one day and thats it; for me to make a pass at her and ask her out; and thats that... thats was the timing of everything. I was not going to make a pass at her or doing anything with her; I was never at her house to do anything but to escape the house I was living at. I did not know what else to do. In fact; thats what I was doing when I was very young; going to the neighborhood people and hanging out with them.... All I got for it was used; I never knew., know one valued me.. nothing; I was a latchkey kid...
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So; Im getting somewhere and the embarrassing thing is I was trying to fool the person and the world around me that I actually cared about dating someone when in reality I just wanted to be saved by someone who could help me survive. I didnt know what that looked like. Im sure she was a nice girl; but I dropped her the second I met her and took advantage of the situation so I had a place to go. I had no interest in her because I had no interest in being with someone or dating someone in the first place; I just wanted a place to hang out other then where I was living; but thats not true; I needed another family system to live off of so I could survive; Im not talking about food; Im talking about love and warmth...
In the process I had no interest in dating her; I hardly knew her; I didnt care; I could care less. And the denial is; I didnt want a girl friend. I wanted the trauma to go away. to go down; thats what I really wanted; I wanted a friend? Maybe. I didnt care who she was. She didnt even really know me. She had no idea who I really was... I didnt know what to do; I was just they to live off them. I couldn't do anything else. I just wanted a family to live off of. I was so tired and exhausted. I thought they adopted me. But I was wrong; they didnt and I got mad and stormed out; I left. F_Ck them... And then I was completely alone...
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So; this is closer to the truth. I didnt want a girlfriend. I could careless really! meant nothing to me. And I didnt want anyone to know that because that seems so strange and unmanly and...... But the fact was; my life was on the line; thats what I was thinking about. In a way I kind of dumped her by never getting involved with her in the first place.
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I will say this; the relationship should have started that first day if it was going to start...
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Nothing has changed; im just like I was then; Im like that now; the last girl that liked me; I should have hit on her that day; no waiting; so; thats where I'm trying to get back to; finding solutions for that.
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So; Im getting closer to the truth; and its the denial or shame of all this that is to much for me to have ever dealt with any of it; but its the trauma of the past I could not deal with; what happened to me. Im truly sorry about the people I used. like this girl who meant nothing to me... She was a throw away and I felt good about that.. I liked it. I liked throwing her away. I enjoyed it; it gave me the ability too get back at my parents for what they did to me and society...
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But at a deeper level; the innocent child in me did connect with her... but I kept trying to throw her away and the innocent child in me left trying to come out and connect with her...
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But the innocent child in me was blocked... and not allowed to come out anymore... controlled.
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I blamed her for that; but it was I that did it.. And "I" and an alter of Omnicell. I am an angry Alter... Sad alter... responsible alter... I dont know my own name... I dont have a name... We dont have a name...
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I guess the goal has been to come back to normal and Ive tried but Im always getting blocked by someone or something. I dont know.
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Ill keep working with God on it.
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My main goal is to understand that I still have trauma I cant deal with and Im still blocking everything and Im still blocking the child within me who wants to connect with a women. Im blocking her from getting close to him. I want him; I dont want him being given away to anyone else this time.
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Im jealous.
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Im no different then when I was 14. Same thing.. And thats what Im trying to hide. Nothing has changed; Im just living off of family systems so I can survive; I really dont care about anything else.
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Id like to come back to normal if God could bring the right people around me. But I dont know how to do that. I dont really care. but a deeper part of me does care I guess.
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So; Im trying to look for solutions to separate this situation. Im want to separate my need for a family and my interest in having a girlfriend. They are 2 different personalities. And I dont want them eating each other alive; I want each separated from each other and going after these 2 different things independent off each other and not bothering each other.
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I want the ability to be spontaneous with a women and just go out with her now; right now and then tell her all this stuff about needing to be part of a family; meaning; Im opening up that part of myself not hiding it... I'm ashamed and embarrassed about that part of things; because I feel like a no good bum with no ambitions; but I don't have any; it was destroyed out of me completely when I was removed from my home and my life when young.
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Some how Im trying to separate these 2 issues and be responsible for both in the present... to individual situations... dealing with both...
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So; Im constantly looking for a way to ease all of this and find a solution for it.
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As for the girl; Im haunted by her because she was innocent and I used her and I got to see that in front of me and It made me look like a monster... because thats what monsters do; they harm innocent people and thats what I did; it was emotional but I set her up predatorily. And I got to see what I had done to her because she responded to me; I was shocked; I didnt mean to cause that kind of pain. I didnt mean to cause any kind of pain; and it hit me that I had walked into these strangers lives and tried to ruin them. she was innocent; she never saw that harm coming and her response was horrible. It made me out to be a monster because thats what I am,.... This alter is a monster.
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I just want help for all of this...
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I am getting some things sorted out. Stop having problems with women; go out with them or walk away... Stop leading them on for ever and ever and ever.,.
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Thats a first step I can work on.
Number 2; tell them what is going on. Let them decide if they want to continue with me...
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I am Old so; ya know; I dont know at a this point how much any of this matters... but we will see...
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I just want to be in the present again. And I think some of this will help me. Im doing the work to be more instant and not take three years on things...
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The goal in my imagination is to be able to stand in front of her; my first love; with no protruding intrusive thoughts; but to be able to be present for her and with her all the way through; thats what this exercise of visualizing is suppose to do for me; it is teaching me to be myself and stand up for myself without switching or dissociating; no flashbacks taking me. just me being present with her the whole time; that is what Im actually looking to do.