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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Changes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 18, 2016 12:07 pm

So, the social change is occurring! Im starting to stand on my own 2 feet and reach back! I still have dissociative disorder! But hopeful I will get better and be able to forget about the 20 years of misery ive put into my recovery process! It's not exactly ivory or misery! Its like a cancer patient! They are grateful to be alive one more day! But it's not fun!

So, Im starting to remember who I am before I came to this town!

People in general or worthless as for telling the truth or being honest or caring about you as a person! They wont! I must get those things from God!

Its seems that when your better; then people respond to you; by then its to late! I don't need their responses when Im having success! I need their responses when Im struggling! No one wants to show up in the middle of the struggle; only the successes!

Im hitting a margin point with social anxiety do to PTSD and dissociative disorder! Im winning! And Im heading back to the recovery stage!

The goal 10 years ago; be able to collect 100 phone numbers! And never be alone again! And this is a huge deal for someone completely disabled through dissociative disorder and AVPD! And all the other stuff!

For me; It seemed an impossible deal! Much like the Wright brothers; " we are going to fly a plane"! It must have seemed an impossible dream, but they did it! They weren't the first or only! But they were close! They were officially the first! Legally the first! I guess! Don't quote me!

The point is; Im at that place that Im taking people out to coffee! Im taking women out to coffee! Im taking friends out to coffee! Im showing up around people; shaking hands! Not running off! People are getting closer to me!

Im not running away because someone else's behavior does not fit my behavior or they are looking at me negatively!
Learning to stand my ground with some people and let it pass; their behavior; and I'm not running away!
Fear and being scared are huge issues for me!

The people I was brought up with; these people scared me! I went to God when one of them died! God let me know I was safe! I did not want to be forced to think about or feel anything for these scum bags any longer! They were in human animals!

One important point; understanding the past! Understanding that no one is coming back for me, or cares ! And with the outside help Im getting; I no longer care or realistically need them to come back! Ive grieved a mass loss off pain and understanding from these people! What they were; what they were not! I did not need them in order to do this! Actually, God sent me back into them for a while to learn from them and about them! I saw first hand what they were and had always been! They were no friends of mine; they were strangers! Thieves and liars!

Don't get mad; forgive and run away and never return! I don't care what they did to you! Get out of their! Count your losses and never go back! Forgive them the dept.! If God wants me to have what they stole; I will get it back!

ITs better to go in Gods direction and build a new life then to waist it on creeps and criminals because they stole your money!

Life is a tricky mess; the best solution is to find the God of the Universe and do what God says!

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A head full of goals; a head full of negativity!

I have a head full of goals; where once it was full of hatred!

I have a head full of negativity Im tying to analyze and understand!

The goal is; get rid of the negative thinking down the visualization chain! When I manifest a desire; and I want a finished goal! I do not want negative blocks and limiting beliefs in the way!

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Letting go of the past; The biggest problem has been processing the past without it! Meaning; no one from the past is around to process anything! Ive had to turn to others and to God and to 12 step groups and places like this for writing!

Is still very hard! Im hardly able not to dissociate!

Im understanding that I have a head full of empty lost thoughts from the past that represent in the future, how to handle life; helplessly! So; these thoughts must go and be replaced! However, there is a feeling of loss! For these helpless useless thoughts are tide to a richer time in my life as a child before it was destroyed!

If Im going to get my life back! I must move forward! I must grieve the past and create a new future for myself with Gods help; getting all experiences back, that I lost!

I had to bury myself feelings and fears and love and life and relationships in order to survive when younger! I had no chance to fulfill my dreams! I had no one helping me!

The goal is to rebirth the dreams and re live them or live them for the first time!

A soulmate awaits me out in the world!

ITs all about negative thoughts! These thoughts must be looked at and worked through! And replaced with good thoughts and wonderful feelings!
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Overwhelming frustrations; Waking up with no facilities to do any creative work! Im stuck riding a bike down a trail! Its fine; riding a mountain bike down a trail! But Im stuck with it! I cant do anything else! Im waking up with no privilege!

I must define what I want to do when I wake up! What I really want to do! And then go find an away with Gods help; to do it; and not give up!
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My interest in a soulmate has to be at a higher level regardless! Im at a higher level! She has to be at the same level of worth! And I pray she's rich!
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The next goal is a practice room for music! This has such negative hate and disappointment and rage!

This will be my great experiment; much like the wright brothers and flight! This will be my quest for something that has caused me pain!

All I have to do is make a decision and start visualizing!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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