I am waking up!
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Im still very ill mentally and weak! The PTSD worlds rule my conscious! Im not present! Im still back in 1969 receiving presents at Christmas from my father in my neighborhood! I still think Im a little boy and loved! What those people did to me was barbaric! Ive been ashamed of all this for a very long time! What happened as a boy! That I still live in the past as a boy! And have no more training then a small child!
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I go to meetings; I go to tell them Im on a disability of PTSD, and Im an addict of different sorts! Ive had problems with drugs and alcohol mixed with PTSD! Im a PTSD based alcohol user! Not now! But before for several years!
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Im no different then someone fresh of the streets do would not have a ######6 clue how to survive or function in a normal society! I have no idea! My PTSD and dissociative disorder has kept me from interacting with people!
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Letting go of the past is so very hard! In my case; we are talking about many many people; real people from my past! Who has the tools to deal with this?
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I have to grieve and let go of many people! Im learning how! I never in this world would have thought I would have to! Im a peaceful lovable type of sensitive person who was thrown out into wolves; I was literally ripped to pieces!
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Im now attempting to recovery from such situations! Im as lucky as you have ever witnessed in this life! Im not coming back to life with 2 many resentments! Its as if I was in a jungle, surviving, and now Im finally coming out of the jungle! I don't blame the jungle for being a jungle! I just want out baby! And Ill do anything and forgive everyone who is involved if I can get out of their and never go back! And it is this type of sanity that Im attempting to learn!
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The first key for me is simply to for give everyone! Get the power of never seeing them again; get it out of my system and don't worry about it! One aspect of reality I came up with! Why would no one want anything to do with me! Are they evil or good! It does not sound to me like they are good people! With enough checking and investigation I find they are people lacking in conscious! The real problem then; Why was I associating with them in the first place!
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If you have no value for me! Why would I hang around you! If you hang with me at first, then I see you don't take me seriously! Something is wrong! I might be needy, thats why Ive been around you! However, something else is wrong! At a fundamental level; something is wrong! We are not friends! Thats whats wrong! How can this be! What happened here!
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Im a nice person! And I met people that I thought liked me but were at a different economic level! I have no economic level!
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I do not need to be ashamed for the progress Ive made! those who do not like me or care about my economic problems don't need to be around me anymore! they never should have been around me in the first place! snobs! but they are worse then snobs! they are worse! God does not want them in his kingdom! they cause to many problems for to many people!
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Im attempting to make goals for myself! its very hard to interact with things! Im trying! I just want to be around people that understand!