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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Changes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 07, 2014 2:12 am

Im starting to change!

The original me is under the damaged area! my memories are starting to pop out from before! its brief and hard! Im reliving many things from different times. One thing Im noticing is bullies or those in authority that I had to deal with! I was pushed around and could not fight back against a system that was trying to destroy me!

As a boy, I naturally rebelled against my mother! she was not safe! and I knew this from the beginning. I stayed with my father and felt safe and got a life out of it. When we moved into the main house; that house I would call my home. I was OK. I felt loved and protected by my father. I thought I had parents that were thinking about me, I did not. I was in the same house with them. It was much like the move 6th sense. I was a ghost to the other people in the house; I never new this until it was much latter when everything was destroyed.

The real damage came when I was moved away! I had a whole life I had built! I had no idea she would attempt to take it all away. she did; thus the work of a sadist. I was a child; what horror!

My original personality disappeared. However, the last few years, it has been awakening, and Im starting to get the memories back. Im slowly starting to integrate. This means the independent memories ( good memories of the time) are coming forward. That original person is waking up. The problem is; the horror of the end is also part of these memories, and this is why they never wake up in people. The good is mixed with the bad. My mind/brain, shut all things down! I had no memory of self. This was to protect me. However, I lost my identity. Now I, the real me is waking up and coming forward into the present personality. This is rough. Its great news!

As I wake up, it has to be different this time. I must pull back! and let me heal and get stronger. I must get healed, not stay rebellious. I must come back to reality in full and get rid of all anger and rebelliousness. This rebelliousness is fear of attack! Im trying to protect myself.

I have to heal this time! I have no idea how Im going to do this. However, all negative memories have to be worked out! all good ones coming forward.

I have been awake about 3 times in my life. The last time; age 16 and then now. Or Im heading in that direction when the dissociative disorder systems go down. I believe the beginning will be the ability to have relationships and the ability to make art everyday all day if I choose. These 2 feedback areas will tell me everything I need to know.

One important area; I will not have my parents or the original house, or brothers, or the way of life, or friends around from the past. I will have to slowly let this heart breaking tragedy go. It is O so sad what they did to me! It is at the level of Nazi Germany. What could they have been thinking! They were sociopaths; they did not think, they did not care; not about me. They had no business or right being around children!

And I will not have access to the same time periods for my hopes and dreams. At the time, as a boy, I could not wait for santa, or the school play, or stuff with my friends. or birthday parties or all the other stuff associated with growing up. Going to the lake, fishing with your father! more skiing with friends.. parties, get togethers at other friends houses. I missed everything. all things. Strangely enough. Im going to get all of these things back; and this is incredible. Its enough to make me eyes poor water from them. Cry away! Its already happening for me! Im not connected. but its happening.

Im literally watching and feeling integration on an hourly day by day basis.. Its incredible. I wish I could speed it up; I cannot...

I have to watch it! I have to make sure I do not jump to soon. I might think everything is back in order; it is not. The outside might feel OK. Deeper down, still healing must take place at large areas. The deep inner me has to be healed this time. I can't jump on life like before! I ate to big a piece of the pie lsat time! not knowing I wasn't ready and was destroyed again! I can't let that happen this time. I must have supports inline this time. I will not depend on shaky or shady people for my happiness or a place to call my home.

I will stay with God!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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