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Changes: advancement

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 17, 2013 9:19 pm

I was ruptured at 9 years old. My nervous exposed and was permanently damaged. Where parents were suppose to develop me at that age; instead, they destroyed me, got rid of me, then left and technically never came back. The reason; They were sociopaths. I was murdered.

OK, Im now 51 years old, Im slowly getting in touch with what happened to me. Im aware that at some point as my memories return and symptoms go down and I discover more of the truth, understanding it was not my fault; I find myself at a crossroads.

Im at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of this beginning just past center advancement of my recovery. Im not in the middle. Im on the outer edge of the center circle of this storm front. At this point, being at the outer edge, Im preparing. A bridge must be build from the outer edge Im standing at to the land beyond the storm front. So, Im looking down the tunnel of that storm front to see the path that will be laid. This is difficult. Or will be difficult; a difficult journey. And much grieving and sorrow will follow.

I cannot resolve what is gone. I must resolve self using substitutes that the effect remain the same and workable as if I had authentic help.

I will need lots of help! and Im afraid of this. Deathly afraid; those who I garner to help will hurt me and make me feel bad and worse then before. Im easily taken advantage of right now; PTSD problems are triggered all over the board from this situation. However, although I get passed by, or walked over, or looked over. Others more popular get the praise and attention, I am getting the deeper needs met. For example. At a meeting, a women at noon, always brings her little Dog to me to hold. And after awhile I get used to this little Dog for love.

ITs about the memories: When I get in touch with the original memories, I have a fairly good life; This life will be cut short at some point. In that good life with those memories, I want to reconnect, and add reassurance and love to that area of reconnection, then move beyond into a new life. This is a horror show of a project. It is all that I'm interested in; within this life. It is my primary goal; recovery from mutilation from others. I was mutilated and thrown away! or dumped; its that simple. Im getting prayed upon. I have to watch it! Trust God! keep going!

Im attempting to get up from where I was dumped, brush myself of and return to the world of the working and living.. Its about reconnection, relationships and activities. to be part of, to interact! to learn again.

I have hobbies: these are good. They are my development for activity into the world. However, my problems stem before this.

Before hobbies are the roots of self that are used to imagine, to play, and to feel safe.

Before the roots are development;

Self, in a vulnerable new, is at the developmental stage, this is a stage of nutriment. Self is loved by others from the outside. This love encourages self to develop. It is this encouragement that is so important during the development stage. I develop self when I believe; when I believe in life or I believe a safe enriched trail has been set before me to run on. If the plain is clear, I will begin to develop on that plain. I will be awakened to the trial from those on the outside that are leading me; who love me!

OK. I have the general idea. The roots need to be soaked in love from pre root development. Where do I get this development and who is going to love me. I feel like I have to go back to age 5.

1. God is going to love me and the groups I attend. Therefore, Im not alone!

2. The area that needs to open is closed through trauma and rupturing. Therefore, other spiritual psych muscle must be built around the ruptured area that it feel safe to open up the wound to let new blood come through. The blood flows, bringing light, healing, oxygen; human vitamins.

O, this is going to be scary if it all happens or when it happens. Lots of trauma in this area of dissociations. Dissociations have to stop before God can get in and the recovery process; that I heal. I suppose it will happen.

The problem;

And its always the problem; My parents are in my memories. If I get in touch with intense memories of self I will also get in touch with the time and place of parents. Memories of parents and false calm times bring about suicide in the present. Im working through past stuff that is no more, and I am freaked by it.

The 13 year old in me does not know its 2014. He thinks its early 1970's.

I have a whole life from O to about 9 years old that looks solid on paper! I would like to develop from that stand point. And move forward with my life and a new family. Get back to being who and what I was going to be in the beginning. Get back to people, places, and things Im suppose to be.

Right now: Im learning the beginning development of activity with PTSD problems getting in the way. If I can settle down a bit. I might get somewhere. I never feel safe just sitting with my back to the world. I feel like I can be attacked.

I have many people think Im a weakling, and they will never know anything else. I will continue to allow them to think this until I disappear. They are sociopaths; I need to take some time to remember how to deal with them, as I get better.

interacting with others;
This is getting better. The goal is proactivity. PTSD, Dissociative disorder at high ends destroys the ability to reach outward or forward. The past is still slaughtering me!

Im starting to take chances with the right people. Im walking up to them and starting conversations. Its much like 6th graders talking to each other for the first time.

Im working on the rehabilitation of self from those times; 6th grade, when I was being dismantled into nothingness and destroyed. And I was being destroyed. and The goal is to somehow deal with this demeaning horrible pain and the abandonment that goes with it; all the loss, and see it, feel it, and start over. Im close! I need more memories. And I need my memories without the bad people involved.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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