Ive broken through to my teen years; or I and God are taking an assessment of it and are looking for a way in. The goal; re write all of junior high and high school; starting with high school I think; 10th 11 grade. Not 12; not yet; that was another time of extreme bulling everyday. I held my own silently until I was gone. Hated every useless day of it. beaming with hatred. Ill deal with this another day; it just got to close; the bullies; I didnt know what to do.... I was already destroyed from years of other problems.
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So; Ill be dealing with 10th grade and 11 grade on the social Lebel; re fixing it as if I had confidence; what would life had been like.
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Im on that edge. Imagine Im in a spaceship; Im heading to the moon; I get their; its the Apollo rocket. Its landed; I have my space suit on and Ive stepped out into the outer bay of the ship; still inside the ship; but the outer bay leads to the outside door. I open the door and take a look; but have not taken any steps yet.
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In my imagination as a child; I saw this; when I was very young; I saw this when I got older; what it would be like; but I would be taken care of by close nit family and friends; and since I dont have that...
I have 12 step fellowships and mens meetings; its a start. If I want family; Gods got to supply close nit family and friends. I have to become the kind of person for that.
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When I was young and I was innocent; im still innocent; but more wise these days; when I was younger and didnt know better I made my way into others lives and families; but they were using me and I never knew; They knew...
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So; Ill pray for the right support and experiences.
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Im suppose to have a family that protects me.
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Im suppose to be protected; so Ill pray for that and to meet new people in the right places...
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Ill keep working with God on it; Because I have no idea how this is going to be done but Im starting to see a picture of it; It looks like Ill be doing things more quietly; not popular like; more working at things and meeting new friends and women along the way; Im seeing a door open; its a street I remember as a child that led to my school; a regular street where Kids walked to school. And its a normal street for normal lives; very nice; nothing grand; but nice.
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So; Im getting a feel for it; its a quiet place and a quite safe protected life... thats where things will be done. However, must have more of the right people and I'll pray for that; and what will I be doing. I know a few things I'll be doing. But my attitude and human skills and feeling good inside and not afraid will have to change.
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Ill work with God for the courage of things... I cant think of anything more.
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I must finish the relationship I botched when young; finish it right; finish it in my imagination with Gods help; it can be done; its tying me back together.... sewing the 2 sides of self back into each other and thus a funnel for love energy to flow through to the outside world in front of me; for my soulmate. I have to be up to speed for her; And that means those high school years have to be redone and I have to feel safe again and confident; dont have a clue how thats going to be done. I don't know.
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I have to pray for this; but it's bringing me back into horror that I could not control. And I was flunking out of school because of vast trauma... no one cared and they didn't care if they ever saw me again.
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I have to stop fawning and people pleasing abusers and predators; I felt I had no choice but to do that when young; I had no support; I was all alone; had nobody; nothing. Did not know what else to do. I had nothing; no place to hide; nothing. no life; just protecting myself everyday; nothing else; nothing... nothing nothing nothing. So I have to slowly allow God to teach me another way.
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I have no idea what to expect; like being on a space ship with my space suit on; I open up the door and look outside; and have no idea what Im going into or what to expect.
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Socially; Ill be stronger and more observant and not give myself way to make friends; because usually those that respond are predictor abusers bully types; Im not interested in them or their gas lighting or manipulations or deception; they are masters of deception.
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Tonight; a predator that has bothered me before; he was in the rooms with me tonight; I made a grave mistake and sat down at the piano after the meeting and started playing; WRONG! IT was the child in me wanting to show I had something to offer; mistake; the predator came right over and listened; WRONG MOVE. WRONG! That is not who I want to attract attention from; thus an example of what has to change; the child in me has to talk to God for God to supply a quiet real family for me that is private. Something I come home to. Something for the child in me; but that brings up memories of my step father; one of them I was forced to live with. Horrible nightmare. Horrible... no one on my side; nothing. No one cared about me or even knew who I was. The goal is to not need to bring the child out around others.. But to be the adult me in control and with defenses up; get what I need; and save the open child for when at home where its safe; I have to learn how to do this; Im used to being a door mat or open rug to be walked on; at least Ill not cause any trouble and they will leave because I didnt fight back... thats what I thought when 7th grade.... and Im still the same way; thats why things have to change.
So; already; God has to taken me through new experiences to clean that time period up; That starts at age 14. I dont know what or how God is going to do this or what my first steps are; I know I have to feel safe out in the real world. So; Gods got to bring something to me before I can start. I dont get it; Ill pray for it... try to get up to speed for God to do something with me...
I see sexual abuse and Im staring to see the time periods before 14; and that is from ages 9 to 12-13. So all of that. not sure how to attempt 6th grade; will have to work with God on that. Scary...
All of these time periods opened up and re done; must work with God to see which comes first. However, Im starting to see God take me from ages 6-7 and move me to a new location and start; seeing myself moving in a different direction then what I had as a boy; we will see where that goes; bi passing everything until out of high school; but we will see.