Change is upon me. I was crazy and disabled. I'm still disabled. but not so much pain. I'm still dysfunctional; I can't remember who I am; it's like I'm a giant novocaine bottle. I'm not in so much pain.
It's hard to break into self. I'm slowly getting there. the problem is; when I attempt to think about a positive outcome; my mind switched; dissociated into a horrible negative fear-based open terror thoughts. The goal is to get my thinking back; controlled. I dissociated and am mentally disabled. I can't get into myself. My mind switches whenever I attempt to get close, but at least I'm talking about it.
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ITs no game; My nervous system as I'm writing this is watching; I won't allow doing much more before switching. the past is a horrible nightmare I could not handle, and my nervous system doesn't want me dying again. It protects the whole system by switching and not allowing me to re-experience anything.
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I'm OK, but I'm in trouble. Id likes to know how to get back to where I was as a child. Meaning, independent on track. I'm not sure how that can happen; it's too much bad information coming in from the battle lines of the past; it knocks me out; and generally, my nervous system won't allow me to go there. I have to go there to get back my personal power.
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The goal is goals; the incentive is success based thinking. My goal is to know the goal; what goals do I work on now that will get me back to what I'm supposed to be when I grow up.