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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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change: about face

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:33 am

I did it again!, I like the wrong people:

The girl at the meetings has to be grieved and let go of. She is poison. One of the worst problems is Dissociative Disorder is getting reality half right. You are half present if lucky, the remainder of the time is PTSD and numb depersonalization. This makes the interpretation of reality very difficult. When I think a girl is nice because she is staring at me; it does not make it nice, it does not make her nice. I don't know if she is nice! I know she wants attention, I know nothing more. She could be married or have a fiance or a long term boy friend. She could be lonely or seeking someone to admire her. She might like me, Yet, she might like allot of people. She might like me and be a sociopath; a sociopath that will date anyone that has something in common with her.

Im finding that the situation with the girl at the meetings is turning out as horrible as possible. ITs not a good sanctioned situation. Im finding this girl likes sociopaths better then honest people as boy friends. The present boyfriend she has, has destroyed her reputation with me. I will not go around her again; its to dangerous. If she is like the person she is dating, I will never talk to her again, or associate with her again.....

If the present boy friend is the kind of person she admires and looks up to, then she is looking up to satan while Im looking up to God. I have to get out of there.

She never admitted to anyone that she like me. She never admitted to anyone that she had any interest in me. Something is not right with that!

I was pulled in just enough to make it hurt, not enough to miss anything. A girl that cannot tell the difference between me and this other guy is not a girl I should have around me. Meaning, the girl is fine; in her own life and value system, Im sure she will be happy. However, she does not fit with me. Her soul fits with me. Her damaged soul fits with my soul... Its not enough. She has a darkened soul as well. Something is wrong. She never admits anything. She goes after what she wants and needs, not what is right... This is the major difference between us.
I can imagine she doesn't think about me at all... Im the one imagining and having a need for her. She went and found a man she likes that fits.... Im the one that has to get over her... It will take work and time to get over her, and Im hoping for others to replace her. I have been snagged by her.
The wake up call that I need; she is a lover of sociopaths, she sees nothing wrong with it, being treated like an animal in the corner of a cage, being taken care of. This is not the kind of girl that I want. This is not the kind of girl that is safe, there is nothing safe about her. Yet, Im not able to see things clearly, Im seeing everything through naive eyes.. I cant stop the naivety.. Its the alters; they want to come out and play. This is not the kind of person to play with. I need the adult in me to react and get out of there. I have a tendency to see through rose colored glasses. I create the person I want her to be. I create an image that she is a sweet innocent person that is harmless, and she likes me! When in reality she is none of the above. She might be nice, she doesn't see me!, I mean nothing to her,. While I think she is thinking about me, she is already scoping in on a new sociopath for a date. A player that smooth talks her into the sack. She's not innocent, she is really the one in control. Im the one that is innocent compared to her. And that is the truth. So, I have no need of creating someone that wont work for me. I have to let her go. Its all very difficult. I have to let her go, she is a stranger and alien to me. She is not safe. If I was in my right mind I would never take an interest in her in the first place. She was never honest in the first place. She may have thought she was honest, and she may hang out with those that think she is honest, However, she is not honest... And that is a clue for me to leave.

When I let her go, I will be looking at interacting with others. This will be hard.. I got caught up deep in this.. So deep for comfort. Im learning, but Im not learning. I think I can get partially involved with someone ; I cannot, there is no partially involved. I have to check who Im getting involved with... what Im getting involved in.

Im not perfect either; Im horribly immature and naive. I have no experience in relationships. Its all very hard for me..! So I don't feel good enough to be with someone. This makes things so very hard...

------

Old family systems:

I walked into my totaled apartment: its all messed up, clothing thrown all over the place, strung out all over the place.

My brothers int he other room waiting for me. he invited me to Christmas with him. I don't want to go. I will have to pray about it so I don't feel guilty.

A relative died.. Now my father is alone. None of my business. I have to remember this.

none of these people are my business. I will pray about all of these things, and keep praying.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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