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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am

its been 2o years; I told myself Im going to create art exposition for a coffee shop and do my art; Ive had sincere intentions. but I never follow through; but I know it would be a good place to break through; but it never happens; I never allow anything to happen. I stay stuck in my CPTSD> dissociation. I stay mad at the world.
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I ask myself; what will I get from having my art up at a coffee shop; for what. what does it mean; It means my intellect is coming out and Im taking chances in the outside world; Ive got such hardened views of things; of doing anything. I don't want to stay a bum that continues to talk about a life that could be. 2o years is a long time; Anger.
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Ive been in 12 step groups; Christian 12 step groups that are not attracting the best people; and Im sick of it; but Im not in charge; it does not fit with my dissociative trauma problems; its not safe enough and Im really mad that its not safe for me; I hate it. it was a safe place to go and people are showing up and ruining it. ITs not safe for me to be around them; Im not the only one; many people have left; but now; its been taken over by people who don't play by the rules. and don't care what happens to me; what I don't understand; its not a therapists office. so; I might have to work with the universe to find a better situation for myself. People have been rude to me; but then; Its not a therapists office. Ive let things slide. I can go off; but the people playing games with me don't understand PTSD or who they are talking to; its not a controlled therapist office; I have to leave; Im not getting any recovery out of it. Im not the only one; I'm getting re traumatized.
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Ive spent allot of time at 12 step groups I shouldn’t really be at. I did it out of loneliness because of CPTSD; the way its made me; and dissociative disorder and AVPD; and Agoraphobia. Ill go to the meetings and half fit in; but they don't address my mental conditions; but their are several a day I can go to and I'm never alone. But I was never a hardcore drug addict or hardcore alcoholic. I did get to a place in high school I was overdosing on drugs; but that had allot to do with my home life that did not exist. And the Alcohol became a problem because of isolation problems; so; I've had experiences with it; but not always enough to be at those meetings all the time. Ive learned to say the right things and fit in; I don't want to fit in at those places anymore; I want a real life; I want my life back. Im grateful for what I have learned; I have addict behavior and alcoholic traits for sure. But the meetings only address a small part of my daily social and mental needs; Im cant get it all from a 12 step meetings; Im avoiding real life. And a wall is up for real life.
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A wall is up for real life where I was thrown away and Im now alone. ITs a very hard trauma to deal with. unfortunately, Ive been sharing personal stuff around the wrong people; and I don't like myself because of it; that was the wrong thing to do; to give out information to unsafe people. People that would trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces.
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I have to keep working with the universe for something new; and new people; people of a greater sophistication.
I wish I had other places to go; so I have to change that to; wouldn’t it be nice. and work through this recent trauma and focus on what is good around me and keep going. And that is truly hard.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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