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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (954)
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- July 2019
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am

its been 2o years; I told myself Im going to create art exposition for a coffee shop and do my art; Ive had sincere intentions. but I never follow through; but I know it would be a good place to break through; but it never happens; I never allow anything to happen. I stay stuck in my CPTSD> dissociation. I stay mad at the world.
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I ask myself; what will I get from having my art up at a coffee shop; for what. what does it mean; It means my intellect is coming out and Im taking chances in the outside world; Ive got such hardened views of things; of doing anything. I don't want to stay a bum that continues to talk about a life that could be. 2o years is a long time; Anger.
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Ive been in 12 step groups; Christian 12 step groups that are not attracting the best people; and Im sick of it; but Im not in charge; it does not fit with my dissociative trauma problems; its not safe enough and Im really mad that its not safe for me; I hate it. it was a safe place to go and people are showing up and ruining it. ITs not safe for me to be around them; Im not the only one; many people have left; but now; its been taken over by people who don't play by the rules. and don't care what happens to me; what I don't understand; its not a therapists office. so; I might have to work with the universe to find a better situation for myself. People have been rude to me; but then; Its not a therapists office. Ive let things slide. I can go off; but the people playing games with me don't understand PTSD or who they are talking to; its not a controlled therapist office; I have to leave; Im not getting any recovery out of it. Im not the only one; I'm getting re traumatized.
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Ive spent allot of time at 12 step groups I shouldn’t really be at. I did it out of loneliness because of CPTSD; the way its made me; and dissociative disorder and AVPD; and Agoraphobia. Ill go to the meetings and half fit in; but they don't address my mental conditions; but their are several a day I can go to and I'm never alone. But I was never a hardcore drug addict or hardcore alcoholic. I did get to a place in high school I was overdosing on drugs; but that had allot to do with my home life that did not exist. And the Alcohol became a problem because of isolation problems; so; I've had experiences with it; but not always enough to be at those meetings all the time. Ive learned to say the right things and fit in; I don't want to fit in at those places anymore; I want a real life; I want my life back. Im grateful for what I have learned; I have addict behavior and alcoholic traits for sure. But the meetings only address a small part of my daily social and mental needs; Im cant get it all from a 12 step meetings; Im avoiding real life. And a wall is up for real life.
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A wall is up for real life where I was thrown away and Im now alone. ITs a very hard trauma to deal with. unfortunately, Ive been sharing personal stuff around the wrong people; and I don't like myself because of it; that was the wrong thing to do; to give out information to unsafe people. People that would trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces.
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I have to keep working with the universe for something new; and new people; people of a greater sophistication.
I wish I had other places to go; so I have to change that to; wouldn’t it be nice. and work through this recent trauma and focus on what is good around me and keep going. And that is truly hard.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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