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Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am

its been 2o years; I told myself Im going to create art exposition for a coffee shop and do my art; Ive had sincere intentions. but I never follow through; but I know it would be a good place to break through; but it never happens; I never allow anything to happen. I stay stuck in my CPTSD> dissociation. I stay mad at the world.
I ask myself; what will I get from having my art up at a coffee shop; for what. what does it mean; It means my intellect is coming out and Im taking chances in the outside world; Ive got such hardened views of things; of doing anything. I don't want to stay a bum that continues to talk about a life that could be. 2o years is a long time; Anger.
Ive been in 12 step groups; Christian 12 step groups that are not attracting the best people; and Im sick of it; but Im not in charge; it does not fit with my dissociative trauma problems; its not safe enough and Im really mad that its not safe for me; I hate it. it was a safe place to go and people are showing up and ruining it. ITs not safe for me to be around them; Im not the only one; many people have left; but now; its been taken over by people who don't play by the rules. and don't care what happens to me; what I don't understand; its not a therapists office. so; I might have to work with the universe to find a better situation for myself. People have been rude to me; but then; Its not a therapists office. Ive let things slide. I can go off; but the people playing games with me don't understand PTSD or who they are talking to; its not a controlled therapist office; I have to leave; Im not getting any recovery out of it. Im not the only one; I'm getting re traumatized.
Ive spent allot of time at 12 step groups I shouldn’t really be at. I did it out of loneliness because of CPTSD; the way its made me; and dissociative disorder and AVPD; and Agoraphobia. Ill go to the meetings and half fit in; but they don't address my mental conditions; but their are several a day I can go to and I'm never alone. But I was never a hardcore drug addict or hardcore alcoholic. I did get to a place in high school I was overdosing on drugs; but that had allot to do with my home life that did not exist. And the Alcohol became a problem because of isolation problems; so; I've had experiences with it; but not always enough to be at those meetings all the time. Ive learned to say the right things and fit in; I don't want to fit in at those places anymore; I want a real life; I want my life back. Im grateful for what I have learned; I have addict behavior and alcoholic traits for sure. But the meetings only address a small part of my daily social and mental needs; Im cant get it all from a 12 step meetings; Im avoiding real life. And a wall is up for real life.
A wall is up for real life where I was thrown away and Im now alone. ITs a very hard trauma to deal with. unfortunately, Ive been sharing personal stuff around the wrong people; and I don't like myself because of it; that was the wrong thing to do; to give out information to unsafe people. People that would trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces.
I have to keep working with the universe for something new; and new people; people of a greater sophistication.
I wish I had other places to go; so I have to change that to; wouldn’t it be nice. and work through this recent trauma and focus on what is good around me and keep going. And that is truly hard.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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