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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Can I love a women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 22, 2019 3:44 pm

Could I love again; I can; would I; would I take the chance; If I loved a girl I could use her body and love her. I could have the best of both worlds.
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So; I think this is about facing my past; and once dealt with; I move on to women into new relationships; or focus on women in the present and re learn how to be with people. Its about me working through the past; not being scared away from the past. but working into the past. Through it and growing from it; first, I have to be honest about it.

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Im having strange thoughts of the house I came from; in one instance; Im fine; experiencing my life as a kid; but Im doing this silently; no one has any idea who I am or what Im thinking about and Im acting independently.
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On the other hand; I see myself at a friends house down the street; Im about 8 years old; and I can now feel what I was repressing then; pure evil hatred or terror. meaning; I saw the house I was living in as pure evil; and I was working my way out of that situation.. It was a reality to live their and I was working my way out of it naturally; but I can see how I actually saw that house and the occupants of that house; I was not part of them; I was just living their; and I knew; I knew they were evil; all of them; but as a child I kept it repressed. And I can see myself at my friends house down a few houses; I can see myself as I look at or think about that house...
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Its over my head; what happened to me in my childhood and beyond. I was never present and refused to be involved in the middle class shallowness of what was offered me; I clammed up and never came out of my shell for anyone. I refused.
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So; Im starting to get back my childhood before Was destroyed; Im seeing through the innocent eyes of myself when that age. Im getting this person back. And I have to allow that to happen; that I take me back; and take me back because I love me and want me back; because I am home to the child in me; and I want my child home with me because I love my child; I love me and want him back.... He has belonged to the evil witch. Now Im coming to get him and bring him home to me because I am no longer under her spell; this does not mean that Im not scared of her; I was under her control and still am; I am frightened of her and her evil power; and I have to face up to her and that evil power and take me back; and get me away from her. and bring him to me. I thought I was protected and loved by my father; I was wrong; I was under no protection; and I was owned and exploited by my father and that was all. An adult could have seen this; but not a child; a child would never know; the innocence of a child and thats why the sociopath hangs around children because they are easily manipulated.
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My father went places with me; but in reality; I went with him thinking I was invited because I was loved; not so; He used me as cover to make himself look presentable to the public; or; he used me because he was alone and needed someone to go with him; Sociopaths dont have friends; no one wants them around; thats why children show up around them; children are easily manipulated.
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The child in me realizes I had no father; he was a fraud and not safe; dangierous; had no father and went into panic mode because I had no one now; At that time I believed I had a father protecting me; and found out I was wrong; he was a sociopath; so; I didnt exist. And later I would realize I was being used the whole time.
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So; I was scared and alone. I had no one; no mother; no father; 2 monsters in this house and left me defenseless with a psychopath. And it took only a week before the destruction of my life began. The pressure of this on a small child, any child; I was alone with no one to work with; it was just me dealing with the unbelievable nightmare; the pressure on my mind and body; I cant tell you want it was like. IT was bad.
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So; this psychopath had control over me; why? she had the food and shelter and from my innocent view point; the possibility of maybe love; but I was so young; I did not know better. I was innocent.
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So; my job is to rescue Brian from the evil witch... get him out of that house and bring him back to me; and he is wanting to be rescued; he is waking up and feeling his real feelings and seeing that witch and that house through my adult eyes; and he is very quickly agreeing that I need to come in and rescue him.
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The problem is; the adult in me is also scared of that witch; for she was my mother to; And I am bashful and scared to get near her; I know how deadly this witch is. She is death; pure evil' like a serial killer; and anyone getting near her will die; they will be manipulated and melted like steal going into an acid bath.. No one gets out alive ever.
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So; I am slowly building my life back on the outside until I am strong enough to enter that place and take back what is mine; for I am going after what is mine; Im going after that little child and rescueing him. Im not man enough yet; Im still dissociating....
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And through all of this; I look at the women who have loved me or wanted my love or a relationship and Im better apt to thinking about such things; and the pleasantness of such things.
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Im not man enough yet; but Im getting closer. Im right in the middle; Im like a shy 14 year old; so; Ive grown; or 12 year old; and that was a hard brutal year; but I'm growing again; In fact; 12 years old is a good example. Im working through that 12 year old time period; with a new 12 year old time period.
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So; I have allot of time periods to re write about and learn how to be happy; face myself and put in new information. And Im having a hard time writing this right now; Im starting to dissociate; the CPTSD is taking over and twisting my mind back into that cloud where I see nothing and feel nothing. It wants to stop me from experiencing that little kids life; but Im fighting it. And Ill continue to stay awake and experience me when I was young; for the more I do this; the more I own myself at that age and not the evil fear of that time period.
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These bad times need to be broken up inside me; broken up and loose their power over me. I must face them; for they eat up my thinking; they are all I focus on; Im now learning how to focus on other things and this is forcing these time periods to break up; if I keep up the pressure; for its my mind and I dont want it thinking me; I want to think for myself; be in control of what I want to thinking. for most of my life Ive had on strain of thinking; abuse time line and thats it. Im not interested in that anymore; I want it gone and I want my fun life back and Im learning how to do that.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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