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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Bumping up against the log!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 15, 2016 9:43 pm

God has a direction for my life; but when the Universe and my alignment are not matching up; something seems stuck; I start getting worried and insecure! I depend on God for everything and that I have to let go and concentrate more on God!

God has the plan and the path! It's the least resistance path! And that wholly ######6 pisses me off! I don't know why! Maybe I want to be in control and I want to be God; I don't know! I need security; so, Im going to take back my pledge to God and run things myself!

Who cares about any of this; the world; Im trying to get inline with God!

If I want new people in my life; the right ones! I have to pray and ask God for help! Maybe I need to define on paper who Im looking for!

How about writing a story about my life in the future with these new people as if its already happened!

This type of imaginative writing works really well; sticks things in my memory! My memory sticks to it!

Its about alignment with God! It's a kind of laziness; sorta; kinda!# But it's not! It's a stopping place; like a jump off point!

In my thoughts; I see a drop off cliff! I look down and I start getting see sick! Vertigo!

Its this giant cliff at death valley and Im going to fall of the cliff for half a mile below!

Its this open space! It scares me! It scares me to death!

I get so scared; I turn to the wrong people for help! And they try to destroy me! They are not safe and I turn to them; first thing!

So, I have to write on all of this! Its about let down! No one is going to come and save me; or, Im not going to wake up and realize Im in a safe house as a child at home in a good home and good school, with good friends!

My childhood was rotted out; not from my doing! Im lucky to be alive!

I am a brilliant person who would have been a strait A Student! I flunked out of most of my school; even college was a horrible nightmare! PTSD and many other problems!

Ive never used my potential! I could not trust anything or anyone to let myself go long enough to trust anyone or anything! And its much worse then this!

I am seeing it; over n over! I must confront the past that is no more! and possibly, turn the present into the past I always wanted! I think this is part of my gaol!

Things are messed up; Instead of developing as a child! I was cut in half at an early age and erased! I spend the next 30 years mentally ill! Now, I want to continue back with my childhood! If this happens; by he end of my life; I will have accomplished what a 10 year old accomplishes!

Heres my point; Im back tracking to regain my life! What will I accomplish thats new! I wont have any time left in my life to accomplish anything new! I will use all my time to be hurt, die from the hurt, get help from the hurt! recovery from the hurt! make emends to myself because of the hurt, back track because of the hurt! start again because of the hurt! live my life the way I suppose to, when 10- years old; then suddenly die of old age!

When do I actually get to live the life God intended!

I must work with God the whole way!

I must work with God to unlock the unhealthy thoughts from the past! they stun and block me! they cause great fear and anxiety!

I have to learn techniques to block anxious thoughts! thoughts that cause me massive terror and fear!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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