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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1148)
- January 2021
Feeling an uneasy fear thats been growing.
   Tue Jan 26, 2021 7:11 am
Several things.
   Mon Jan 25, 2021 10:36 pm
Brothers in arms
   Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:32 pm
The social; or new social begins
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 11:41 pm
I cant be friends with women
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:51 am
friendships... Is that what women wanted?
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 1:30 am
Problems with women I guess? My problems ?
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 10:44 pm
Stuff about sex; and not allowing sex
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 8:48 pm
Connecting the 2 halves
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 6:00 am
Now Im starting to get it
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 3:35 am
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Bulling, voice acting, art, porn and interactions with others!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:01 am

Many things are moving slowly, but moving! Ive been practicing LOA for about 4 years! 3 years ago, I started manifesting; turning thoughts into things! Because of my desires and that I have not let them go; the universe is carving a path to them; so; how does this work; this path! I will describe what I think about it! Imagine your in the supermarket and you feel the food desire to eat oranges and apples! You enter the doors of the super market; you know the apples and oranges are at some location beyond your eye site! You will take a chance that this big store has what you want! You cant see them; the apples and oranges, nor do you know where they are! You will have to travel through this store, through this maze; and yet, your desire and the pleasure of it lead you on! First you gaze at the isle's, and you head down the cookie isle, then, cross the medical sections of the store to find yourself next to the liquor isle, you cross past the floral section and first register to find a large group of people in the main floor isle of movement; you head down this strait away! Soon, your at the other end off the store, and you find yourself in a giant open area of carrots and cabbage and lettuce and leaks! Not to much further, you find a sub isle in this produce section; and siting before you; oranges on one side of the display and apples on the other! Your quest is over! You had a desire; you trusted the universe would create a pathway you could see; and you had hope! I could not see where the destination landed! but you believed! and thus, you are now the proud owner of apples and oranges!
However, in LOA, not only do you learn to keep your desire and trust the process working with God; the second part of the question for the apples and oranges is money; Now that you know where the apples and oranges are; where do you get the money for such things; and this is another lighted pathway source energy opens for you! You don't have to worry about asking for money; you just need a strong enough desire for the apples and oranges and to keep an open mind and watch for the opportunities to show up! Soon, something happens to get you your apples and oranges! one has to learn to believe and allow!
Im at this place in my recovery where Im spending more n more time interested in my desires and how to accomplish them; Im less interested in what happened to me in the past; accept of how it effects my ability to keep a positive attitude concerning my success based interests! The anger and fear and self doubt and PTSD get in the way; low moral, low self esteem and feelings of not deserving anything; all results of abuse; child abuse and neglect!
The enemy success; doubt, limited beliefs; fear!
PTSD is a big big problem for me! Im learning to wrestle with it! Im learning to train my mind through meditation; Im learning to visualize as if I can feel my body and thank my body where it is; every and each body part; and feel its weight and under and over and side by side surroundings of where my body sits in space! Im learning to visualize the room I'm in while meditating! The idea; to see the here and now and be in the here and now! PTSD is a lie, and I force my thinking to come back to the room Im in when seeing PTSD in my head and nervous system; which is all day long!
I visualize and write as if I all ready have it!
Bulling and memories of bulling; Im working with bulling issues right now; its all very sad.! I have dissociative disorder and massive amnesia; As the amnesia has gone down; massive amounts of traced memories concerning bulling; bulling everywhere; all over the place! hundreds of incidents through my life; are returning or showing up. I was un protected and directionless! I was moving back n forth between different relatives; over n over n over; no one loved me or wanted me or cared when from ages 9-20; most of these people were sadistic! sociopathic! no cared anything about me; nothing! I went into shock from the beginning! I had no protection; I was in shock and had no life and lost everything; every bully from every direction came at me for years! I was destroyed, over n over n over again!
Im attempting to move on from the bulling; One horrendous issue with bulling; the attempt by the bully to run up and shut me down immediately upon entering a school yard or class; it was like being bullied out of existence before I started! and it was like this all the time! I was intimidated out of being able to express myself in any area! It was brutal control and shocking; caught me off guard; caught me off guard that someone could do this to someone else in a free country and I could do nothing! If I retaliated; I would go to jail and be caught up in the DOC system! If I didn't fight back; I got bullied and controlled! if I fought back, I became the criminal! I would go to jail! It was my belief that the system I lived in allowed these teenage psychopaths to roam because it showed control; the people being controlled. The people being controlled by the higher up controlling powers that be!
So, I have horrible demoralizing memories to work through! its all very hard, especially being a man that could not defend himself when a boy! However, under the circumstances; I don't know anyone that could! I had no one; no one to talk to; nothing, no help! No friends! The people I came back to town to lived with, they turned out to treat me like I was less then a sub human in a cage! They thought they were superior and I was some kind of idiot zoo animal! unbelievable! truly shocking; shocked me! sad.
So, I have allot to work through concerning what happened to me when young! The bigger picture is; most if not all these predators had a piece of me because I had no family or father to protect me! I had no chance.
Art, and music, writing are picking up!
most the processing work concerning bulling is taking place! I have desires and I must move forward within myself to greater things! Music, art, writing and I believe; different forms of acting; are my direction, or one type of direction! I have others; God is starting with the most obvious interest in my heart!
I entered a writing story contest this week; only 600 words I think or less, several paragraphs; I had to finish a story for the contest! Millions of people enter; it was not a goal to win; it was a goal to go for it and enter and finish something and post it; and I did! and this is a sign of changing things to come; meaning, things are changing in the real world; Im starting to feel good enough about myself to participate in things! And Ive been looking into music contests and art contests!
Im interested in voice acting! Im learning through success based thinking; do it, practice it, learn it, dont worry about the outcome; just enjoy it, if its my thing; use the laws of attraction on it; learn to attract interest! That is a long way off ! Im just thinking about it! but I am interested! and Im learning to follow through with things and Im learning to do things that feel good!
Porn; Porn is not a problem; lack of dating is a problem! I have dissociative disorder and this kills the ability to get close to anyone! However, things are changing, so, changes are occurring! Im the beginning stages of change with women and dissociative disorder; allowing people to get closer to me!
ITs all good stuff; the bulling is not so easy; those horrible scary sick looking arrogant faces of sociopaths breathing down my throat like they own me; just for the thrill of it; and ruining my schooling years! and I could do nothing about it! I was totally controlled!
I have to work though this; the losses of my personal life! all of it! no development! I am heading toward things, Ive been heading toward things and interacting!
Music; unbelievably, I have my drums back in my life; I have them in a vocal booth in my apartment! and I sing and play the piano, write songs, singer/song writer, and it working! and for the first time ever; Im starting to use my left hand for broken chord accompaniment in the left hand for bass! Why is this important?, when you finally mature in song writing, and your playing the piano; and your ready to take it more seriously, you start playing bass lines, simple chordal bass lines with the left hand and use the right hand for basic strong tonal structural chording! The point is! When you play the bass correctly in the left hand, you have a song you can perform! Does that make sense; your not playing games anymore; your getting real and your getting solid about your song writing and how to perform that song in front of the public; and that is happening for me!
I have the ability to practice voice acting! At some point in a persons life, they have to go for it! meaning, you have a desire, you dont just chicken out! instead you trust the universe and start; even if you have no idea where its going; and voice acting is a lot like this! As a child I wanted to be many things; an actor, an astronaut, a lawyer; and many other things! So, voice acting fits as a starting place!
Women; Lots of problems with women; the number one problem?; (pause) drum roll please;,, Im not around the right women! Im not around dating women; Im around attractive women; the wrong ones; In reality, I haven't met any dating level women! In addition Im only interested in Asian soulmates for further relationship adventure!
I need much interaction with women; I was bullied when younger, women were a part of that; they bullied in a different way! They had contempt or hated for me or exploited me for reasons, or hated me as a low life! I was never a low life! I was simply around the wrong women! In many cases, the women were my mother or grand mother or a friends mother; not good, any of it; or a friends sisters! not a good deal in this case; they hated me as if I was a loser! no good, shiftless drifter! worthless! In reality, they were worthless but had lots of money and middle class status! I had nothing, I was a throw away expendable suicidal PTSD based young person at the end of his rope and life!
Im attempting to learn to trust source energy; have a real relationship with this source of universal energy; God! goal is; I tell this energy my dreams and focus on what I want and turn to source energy, close my eyes and wait and stay with source energy as pathways are created by source energy to my desires!~ The goal is to keep my eyes only on source energy; do not look at anything in the world! reality is the not the goal; creating my own reality is the goal!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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