Bulling; Im still freezing up around bullies; I still deal with them; they are people who want attention but have not earned it; cowards. They are stupid people. Dumb. Retards most of them.
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I pay them no mind and stay under the key; meaning; I stay harmless; suck it in; get what I need and move on strategically. I dont have time for small town people.
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Im doing better; the vail of trauma lifting somewhat. a little; but Im still dealing with bullies as I have all my life. Im not sure what to do about them; not at all; Ive confronted some of them; gotten nowhere accept it stunned them a bit that I stood up for myself; but it did not garnish them out of my space. Im not worried about bullies; Im more worried about their stupidity getting me intertwined with the law; for that reason I stay clear of them regardless.
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The stupidness of bullies subjects me to a bit of humiliation; I allow them to get away with it as Im in a covert position; trauma is what Im doing here in this area; Im attempting to work through trauma and at times need to be at places of people that are irritants but Ill manage.
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Ive learned around stupid people; dont rock the boat; they are the most dangerous people in the world; they will get me in trouble with the laws faster then anyone; they dont care and dont think. they try to catch me off guard; it works; Im caught off guard.
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Im a person of quality; I dont feel like dealing with filth; but its around and so; Im around it; I have to go around it; and I do get scared and triggered; just as I did when I was very very young; I still dont do well with bullies; not really.
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Im trying together rid of trauma; its working from all the writing Im doing. Im getting better; but he trauma from bullies is another story; Ill possibly write new stories about that; I dont know. We will see. They have no conscious; think they can come and go in my life anytime they choose; thats what they think; we will see; Im covet; or in cogito. Im working through stuff right now; and dont care about them; nothing. Ive always played a low key roll in the meetings; always; and slowly gotten better; gotten what I need. Ill keep it up and keep working with the universe.
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Right now Im working with story telling to get better. So; Ill keep it up.
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I go into freeze mode every time; and I slow down and am terrified and not sure what to do. the bully sees this and knows they have something on me; they have contempt for me because they have nothing I want. And they are sociopaths and other low level scum.
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So; Im slowly working through this; I have to remember that I have CPTSD and dissociative disorder and Im hanging out in places that can have very questionable type people to associates with. its very difficult.
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Im not happy about being triggered; I have to learn that Im not going to change fools. If I push them to far; Ill be in jail. their not smart enough to know better; their stupid fools....
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So; its up to me.
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Im getting better; I still get triggered; and flashbacks; thats a problem; because of the damage...
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Im trying to rise to a different level; Ill get their; and I want to do my Art; put it out; I have to remember who I am and what has happened to me; my nervous system; whom Im around and how it is triggered. I have to remember. Im not around safe people; I have to trust the universe and keep working toward things. not give up. keep going.
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Im angry right now; I was around people that set me off; I have to move past it and not take it personal; they are stupid people; Im mad at how I respond to them... Im being controlled because of the pTSD; my nervous system; fight or flight. Im mad that Im even in that situation; but I must look at where Im at; Im at a place where trouble rains; reigns... So; I must learn to deal with it. or leave; not blame those who are their. they wont stop bothering me I guess; but I will get stronger; Im more interested in living these days.
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Im being controlled by them; controlled by bullies; I have to learn how to deal with this and not let triggering get to me. I have to study bullies and figure out what to do; already know what to do with trouble makers. How to stay away from them. Learn how to interact with the environment and move way from them; move away; go the other direction; get out of their and go somewhere else; do something. Im just a siting target; I dont move; Im re living the past with other monsters that are taking advantage of me; why Im not awake enough to see this; I dont know; Ive been hanging out with these monsters for years.. Im not sure why; Trauma bonding is why from people way before this time period. I have to wake up and not get mad at myself; or my feelings; I have to learn to get my feelings met; not discard them. I have to let the universe bring me new people; by letting go of the old ones and thats happening.
Im getting allot of messages from the universe as I write this; lots of things waking up inside me; lots.
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I look back at all the people that turned on me; it was all of them; its hard for me to believe I had no family or friends; nothing. it was all fake; from all of them; I needed them; they took advantage of me; they did not want me around; it was all fake; all of it. all of it. Im so sorry I ever got to know anyone. Im a decent person; no one even cared. no one cared who I was. nothing, or if they ever saw me again; I was a great trusted friend; it meant nothing; they were not my friends. I did not know I was on the second tier with them; meaning, I was a second class citizen; this because I knew them; no other reason. If I had not known them; non of this would have happened. non of this.
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As for women; nothing has changed; Asian soulmate; educated; Intellectual introvert; into star trek and star trek conventions or the equivalent. A nerd; into astronomy, anthropology; things like dat...
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I dont think I can sleep with someone just because their sexy and be scared that they are like my mother inside; a sociopath. Ive had opportunities for such things; sexy girls; but I just cant. When they throw themselves at me; they will be throwing themselves at 100 other guys. Im not interested. It has to be someone I want. And it has to be someone who is submissive. and it has to be someone I can talk to about anything; including anger hatred rage; what people did to me today. everything. or I wont go out with them. they have to be friends with me; not just someone looking for someone to take care them; Im not interested; been their and Ive seen the kind of guys they pick up; its not real impressive; the guys are just dumb simps who are still living the blue pill life; they dont understand women yet. So! I watch them come and go.
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So; now I have to work on that moment I was under the pool table at my home as a boy; my mother walks into the dinning room; and announces to me that she is selling the home and then walks away; cold like, no emotion; been waiting to destroy someone like that for a long while. and I caught in the middle; and this after all the other bad stuff. So; Now; I have to learn to face that with the universes help and figure out how to face it and move through it and survive.