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OMNICELL
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Bulling

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am

Bulling; Im still freezing up around bullies; I still deal with them; they are people who want attention but have not earned it; cowards. They are stupid people. Dumb. Retards most of them.
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I pay them no mind and stay under the key; meaning; I stay harmless; suck it in; get what I need and move on strategically. I dont have time for small town people.
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Im doing better; the vail of trauma lifting somewhat. a little; but Im still dealing with bullies as I have all my life. Im not sure what to do about them; not at all; Ive confronted some of them; gotten nowhere accept it stunned them a bit that I stood up for myself; but it did not garnish them out of my space. Im not worried about bullies; Im more worried about their stupidity getting me intertwined with the law; for that reason I stay clear of them regardless.
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The stupidness of bullies subjects me to a bit of humiliation; I allow them to get away with it as Im in a covert position; trauma is what Im doing here in this area; Im attempting to work through trauma and at times need to be at places of people that are irritants but Ill manage.
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Ive learned around stupid people; dont rock the boat; they are the most dangerous people in the world; they will get me in trouble with the laws faster then anyone; they dont care and dont think. they try to catch me off guard; it works; Im caught off guard.
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Im a person of quality; I dont feel like dealing with filth; but its around and so; Im around it; I have to go around it; and I do get scared and triggered; just as I did when I was very very young; I still dont do well with bullies; not really.
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Im trying together rid of trauma; its working from all the writing Im doing. Im getting better; but he trauma from bullies is another story; Ill possibly write new stories about that; I dont know. We will see. They have no conscious; think they can come and go in my life anytime they choose; thats what they think; we will see; Im covet; or in cogito. Im working through stuff right now; and dont care about them; nothing. Ive always played a low key roll in the meetings; always; and slowly gotten better; gotten what I need. Ill keep it up and keep working with the universe.
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Right now Im working with story telling to get better. So; Ill keep it up.
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I go into freeze mode every time; and I slow down and am terrified and not sure what to do. the bully sees this and knows they have something on me; they have contempt for me because they have nothing I want. And they are sociopaths and other low level scum.

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So; Im slowly working through this; I have to remember that I have CPTSD and dissociative disorder and Im hanging out in places that can have very questionable type people to associates with. its very difficult.
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Im not happy about being triggered; I have to learn that Im not going to change fools. If I push them to far; Ill be in jail. their not smart enough to know better; their stupid fools....
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So; its up to me.
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Im getting better; I still get triggered; and flashbacks; thats a problem; because of the damage...
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Im trying to rise to a different level; Ill get their; and I want to do my Art; put it out; I have to remember who I am and what has happened to me; my nervous system; whom Im around and how it is triggered. I have to remember. Im not around safe people; I have to trust the universe and keep working toward things. not give up. keep going.
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Im angry right now; I was around people that set me off; I have to move past it and not take it personal; they are stupid people; Im mad at how I respond to them... Im being controlled because of the pTSD; my nervous system; fight or flight. Im mad that Im even in that situation; but I must look at where Im at; Im at a place where trouble rains; reigns... So; I must learn to deal with it. or leave; not blame those who are their. they wont stop bothering me I guess; but I will get stronger; Im more interested in living these days.
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Im being controlled by them; controlled by bullies; I have to learn how to deal with this and not let triggering get to me. I have to study bullies and figure out what to do; already know what to do with trouble makers. How to stay away from them. Learn how to interact with the environment and move way from them; move away; go the other direction; get out of their and go somewhere else; do something. Im just a siting target; I dont move; Im re living the past with other monsters that are taking advantage of me; why Im not awake enough to see this; I dont know; Ive been hanging out with these monsters for years.. Im not sure why; Trauma bonding is why from people way before this time period. I have to wake up and not get mad at myself; or my feelings; I have to learn to get my feelings met; not discard them. I have to let the universe bring me new people; by letting go of the old ones and thats happening.
Im getting allot of messages from the universe as I write this; lots of things waking up inside me; lots.
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I look back at all the people that turned on me; it was all of them; its hard for me to believe I had no family or friends; nothing. it was all fake; from all of them; I needed them; they took advantage of me; they did not want me around; it was all fake; all of it. all of it. Im so sorry I ever got to know anyone. Im a decent person; no one even cared. no one cared who I was. nothing, or if they ever saw me again; I was a great trusted friend; it meant nothing; they were not my friends. I did not know I was on the second tier with them; meaning, I was a second class citizen; this because I knew them; no other reason. If I had not known them; non of this would have happened. non of this.
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As for women; nothing has changed; Asian soulmate; educated; Intellectual introvert; into star trek and star trek conventions or the equivalent. A nerd; into astronomy, anthropology; things like dat...
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I dont think I can sleep with someone just because their sexy and be scared that they are like my mother inside; a sociopath. Ive had opportunities for such things; sexy girls; but I just cant. When they throw themselves at me; they will be throwing themselves at 100 other guys. Im not interested. It has to be someone I want. And it has to be someone who is submissive. and it has to be someone I can talk to about anything; including anger hatred rage; what people did to me today. everything. or I wont go out with them. they have to be friends with me; not just someone looking for someone to take care them; Im not interested; been their and Ive seen the kind of guys they pick up; its not real impressive; the guys are just dumb simps who are still living the blue pill life; they dont understand women yet. So! I watch them come and go.
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So; now I have to work on that moment I was under the pool table at my home as a boy; my mother walks into the dinning room; and announces to me that she is selling the home and then walks away; cold like, no emotion; been waiting to destroy someone like that for a long while. and I caught in the middle; and this after all the other bad stuff. So; Now; I have to learn to face that with the universes help and figure out how to face it and move through it and survive.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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Comments

Re: Bulling

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Tue Aug 06, 2019 10:05 am

The best thing to do with bullies is to cut them out of your life if possible. If that's not possible do whatever the next best thing is.

Pete Walker has some info on his site, but maybe you know about him already.

Another weird tip: semen retention can put you in a better place to deal with bullies. Think of those boxers who avoid sex before a fight etc.
floatingtree
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